Today, I forgot to grab toilet paper on the way home from work. Since I don't have a car and all of my friends have plans for Valentine's Day I'm now down to wiping with cotton balls. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
Today, after racing home with a jumbo package of toilet paper, I ran into my house to go to the bathroom. I then realized I'd left the toilet paper in the car. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at the mall and the toilet paper had ran out. I had to use the socks I'd just bought. FML
Today, I have to use toilet paper as a substitute for Kleenex, because I have a nasty cold and ran out. We're also snowed in where I live, so I currently can't go to the store to get some more. I think I now understand why people were hoarding this stuff. FML
Today, I was hanging out with some friends, and I had to take a dump. After I was done, I realized there was no more toilet paper, so I asked my friends to get me some. They threw in duct tape, sandpaper, and saran wrap, and told me to make a decision. FML
Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML
Today, I had just sat down and taken a dump in a public restroom when I realized there was no toilet paper. I tried to discreetly call for help, but no one heard me. My only option was to text a friend and have them bring me some. The worst part? My friend ended up texting me, "You called for backup?" as I waited in humiliation. FML
Today, I was going to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. I had awful diarrhea and was almost done, when I noticed a spider on the ground. Being terrified, I took a giant ball of toilet paper to kill it. I realized then that I had no toilet paper left to use. FML
Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML
Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML
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Top comments
LaColombianita 26
You do what you gotta do to keep your ass clean.
abbyhoneywaffles 11
That would be awful. The fluff comes off of those things so easily.. That shit must be all up in your areas.
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Comments (119)
LaColombianita 26
You do what you gotta do to keep your ass clean.
n_epic_fail 14
Another reason Valentines sucks ass, that would never happen on Easter...
SecretMe00 5
There's no connection. I've used cotton balls to wipe my ass and I've been with my man for 5 years.
thiscrazything 1
What just happened here?
Akai_fml 4
Easiest way to keep your ass clean in an emergency situation is to take a shower immediately after eliminating, then going out to buy some TP. I'm at a loss why the OP needs friends to get her TP and why anyone would consider cotton balls.
angrymexican 8
Better than sandpaper!
nikkub1289 1
Valentines day=single's awareness day
maxmex13 7
I know this isn't related to the FML, but your picture is hilarious, #1 :)
mama2b3 20
You are very resourceful!
wittygirl 8
Thank you Captn obvious.
RussianFox 13
Captain* Seriously if your going to try and sound like a smartass atleast spell correcty
RussianFox 13
At least* Correctly* dang auto correct.
PaulB123 11
Pretty sure auto correct doesn't take a properly spelt word and misspell it, so this is just pure irony. Tke ur own advisse bud.
AFCA020 4
And he probably means 'damn' autocorrect ... Irony indeed
RussianFox 13
Nope I meant dang.
StromyG2 10
Too bad auto correct didn't change "your" to "you're" add a space between "at" and "least". Seriously, if you're going to try and sound like a smartass, at least spell and space correctly.
KeyboardWarrior 10
28 I'm starting to think your name is a lie. You seem to be less witty with every comment you make.
capper44 18
#42: people like you should be kicked every day ... Its anyone's wish how they wanna spell any word, moreover why dont u jst coment on fml and mve oN!!!!
downtime 13
58, You're a sdak. That's how I spell 'dumb ****'.
Mister_Triangle 21
I once had to choose between using the leftover cardboard tube or a nearby newspaper. Wasn't really that hard of a choice
ninjuh_wingman 29
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You take toilet paper from your work? O.o
yahoowizard 16
Yeah, they have a toilet paper dispenser for the workers there
Branflakes78 13
No it says on the way home from work! Plz learn to read.
abbyhoneywaffles 11
That would be awful. The fluff comes off of those things so easily.. That shit must be all up in your areas.
jabfinch 9
God gave you two feet, and if not you've got a wheel chair. Lazy ass.
rattusrattus 19
To be fair, they're in America. It's not like Britain where you're always within walking distance of a shop that does bog roll. Or milk. Or basic stuff.
wittygirl 8
#5 is from America he's just forgot to put ok his thinking cap before applying critical thought. Happens to the best of us.
rattusrattus 19
I have heard stories of a shopping centre in the US where there are parking spaces in front of each individual shop, and people drive from shop to shop. It's probably quicker to walk in that instance. And on holidays in some parts of the North American Continent, my family and I have been stared at for our pedestrian ways. Taking a car everywhere is understandable if your house is in the middle of nowhere, but I really don't get driving around a car park.
Michael_92 20
That's cause there's nothing to get, some people are weird like that. I personally will go downtown park my truck in the middlish of everything. Unless there's rain that is.
luccmon 6
I feel like the Americans that do that are more on the elderly side. Or it's cold and you don't want to spend all of your time walking back to your car with bags in hand. But anyway Americans also make fun of the other Americans that do this sort of thing lol
jabfinch 9
I'm actually from Colorado, and there are convenient stores within in a few miles of several houses there. I applied critical thought. I'm just not lazy. Unlike the other 99.99% of Americans.
Livzii 5
Can everyone please stop being so rude to Americans?! Every country has lazy people in it, and people say malicious things about Americans because everyone else does. So even though OP is American doesn't necessarily mean that they're too lazy to get off their arse and go to the store. And before you ask, I am British.
djsamixin 3
I live in north america, but am not sure what kind of stores you write of. lol
Hopes_Reprimand 6
Why don't you just call a cab? Walk? it can't be that far to a convenience store. Use paper towels perhaps? If you're feeling really daring you could take a bus, but that's not for the faint of heart. Pick a seat next to the wrong person and you'll end up with a new story to post on fml...
thenomad 7
OP could use many things that are found around the house such as napkins, paper towels, tissues, paper, washcloths, etc.
Keebz_02 0
Sock perhaps?
rattusrattus 19
The bus is just a font of FMLs. They spew forth with vigour.
Michael_92 20
Okay am I the only person that thinks maybe walking won't work. I live in the middle of nowhere and there are no cabs, no buses, and the nearest store is 3.5 miles 1 way.
rubberduckie94 13
I am with you. No public transport here and we are ten miles from nearest store. There are a bunch of city dwellers here. ; ).
downtime 13
Specifying there is no other mode of transportation would avoid confusion.
CaliGali 9
Get in the shower and wash up before bed to make sure it's really clean
Pwib 14
Just take a shower and be sure to scrub well.
cBlackout 13
Could be worse. Imagine if you could only find duct tape -.-
Airborn0280 18
Or sandpaper.
Michael_92 20
Then I might do as 8 our 9 suggested...that's just me though.
StromyG2 10
Or your puppy.
LunaDragon 10
Better than wiping down with your phone. (Previous fml reference)
homeboyangst 17
Or two ten dollar bills! (Also a previous fml reference)