You do what you gotta do to keep your ass clean.

Another reason Valentines sucks ass, that would never happen on Easter...

There's no connection. I've used cotton balls to wipe my ass and I've been with my man for 5 years.

What just happened here?

Easiest way to keep your ass clean in an emergency situation is to take a shower immediately after eliminating, then going out to buy some TP. I'm at a loss why the OP needs friends to get her TP and why anyone would consider cotton balls.

Better than sandpaper!

Valentines day=single's awareness day

I know this isn't related to the FML, but your picture is hilarious, #1 :)

You are very resourceful!

Thank you Captn obvious.

Captain* Seriously if your going to try and sound like a smartass atleast spell correcty

At least* Correctly* dang auto correct.

Pretty sure auto correct doesn't take a properly spelt word and misspell it, so this is just pure irony.
Tke ur own advisse bud.

And he probably means 'damn' autocorrect ... Irony indeed

Nope I meant dang.

Too bad auto correct didn't change "your" to "you're" add a space between "at" and "least". Seriously, if you're going to try and sound like a smartass, at least spell and space correctly.

28 I'm starting to think your name is a lie. You seem to be less witty with every comment you make.

#42: people like you should be kicked every day ... Its anyone's wish how they wanna spell any word, moreover why dont u jst coment on fml and mve oN!!!!

58, You're a sdak. That's how I spell 'dumb fuck'.

I once had to choose between using the leftover cardboard tube or a nearby newspaper. Wasn't really that hard of a choice

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Yeah, they have a toilet paper dispenser for the workers there

No it says on the way home from work! Plz learn to read.

That would be awful. The fluff comes off of those things so easily.. That shit must be all up in your areas.

God gave you two feet, and if not you've got a wheel chair. Lazy ass.

To be fair, they're in America. It's not like Britain where you're always within walking distance of a shop that does bog roll. Or milk. Or basic stuff.

#5 is from America he's just forgot to put ok his thinking cap before applying critical thought. Happens to the best of us.

I have heard stories of a shopping centre in the US where there are parking spaces in front of each individual shop, and people drive from shop to shop. It's probably quicker to walk in that instance. And on holidays in some parts of the North American Continent, my family and I have been stared at for our pedestrian ways.

Taking a car everywhere is understandable if your house is in the middle of nowhere, but I really don't get driving around a car park.

That's cause there's nothing to get, some people are weird like that. I personally will go downtown park my truck in the middlish of everything. Unless there's rain that is.

I feel like the Americans that do that are more on the elderly side. Or it's cold and you don't want to spend all of your time walking back to your car with bags in hand. But anyway Americans also make fun of the other Americans that do this sort of thing lol

I'm actually from Colorado, and there are convenient stores within in a few miles of several houses there. I applied critical thought. I'm just not lazy. Unlike the other 99.99% of Americans.

Can everyone please stop being so rude to Americans?! Every country has lazy people in it, and people say malicious things about Americans because everyone else does. So even though OP is American doesn't necessarily mean that they're too lazy to get off their arse and go to the store. And before you ask, I am British.

I live in north america, but am not sure what kind of stores you write of. lol

Why don't you just call a cab? Walk? it can't be that far to a convenience store. Use paper towels perhaps?

If you're feeling really daring you could take a bus, but that's not for the faint of heart. Pick a seat next to the wrong person and you'll end up with a new story to post on fml...

OP could use many things that are found around the house such as napkins, paper towels, tissues, paper, washcloths, etc.

Sock perhaps?

The bus is just a font of FMLs. They spew forth with vigour.

Okay am I the only person that thinks maybe walking won't work. I live in the middle of nowhere and there are no cabs, no buses, and the nearest store is 3.5 miles 1 way.

I am with you. No public transport here and we are ten miles from nearest store. There are a bunch of city dwellers here. ; ).

Specifying there is no other mode of transportation would avoid confusion.

Get in the shower and wash up before bed to make sure it's really clean

Just take a shower and be sure to scrub well.

Could be worse. Imagine if you could only find duct tape -.-

Or sandpaper.

Then I might do as 8 our 9 suggested...that's just me though.

Or your puppy.

Better than wiping down with your phone. (Previous fml reference)

Or two ten dollar bills!
(Also a previous fml reference)