Ya winning, son?

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

Today, I walked in on my son teabagging his sister over a video game. FML

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

Today, while I was cutting myself some watermelon, my mom walked in. I could tell she hadn't taken her medication in a while because she freaked out, grabbed the knife, and burst into tears before yelling at me, saying I could have cut myself and bled out. FML

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

Today, I walked in on my mother using a razor to shave my dad's cream-covered testicles. FML

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML