By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

139

Favorite

Triage

Season finale

Mind your own beeswax

By twistedelegance

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1656

You deserved it

138

Favorite

By Nicked - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50927

You deserved it

15765

Favorite

By apparentlybutch - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47101

You deserved it

4548

Favorite

By pregz - United States

Today, my hiccups got so intense that I threw up in the middle of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33333

You deserved it

2615

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 11:01

Dementia or hate? You decide

Today, I spent an hour listening to my mother-in-law go over the details of how happy my husband was at his wedding, while she went through the photo album and stared at the pictures. The wedding with his first wife. I spend several days each month with her taking care of her, and she does this kind of thing every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1581

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a repairman woke me up so he could change the filter in my furnace. This would have been fine, except he didn't wake me up until he was already in my room, where I was sleeping naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30198

You deserved it

4617

Favorite

By notsohappyniece - United States

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48811

You deserved it

3754

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 22:02 - United States - Klawock

Ross?

Today, my wife had a dream that I was in the bath with our newborn baby. In the dream, I threw the baby out like a football. She can't get the image out of her head and won't forgive me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1160

You deserved it

Favorite

By scaredypants123 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38341

You deserved it

9102

Favorite

By Snowin2007 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31095

You deserved it

7493

Favorite

By wat - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47596

You deserved it

3260

Favorite

By melikeyturtles - United States

Today, I went to work as a home health-aid, and found out that my client turns his hearing aid off on purpose because he can't stand my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25470

You deserved it

4750

Favorite

By mcd - 5/10/2020 08:01 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Rat Race

Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1234

You deserved it

Favorite

By anon - United States - Mantua

Kinda cute

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

62254

You deserved it

25906

Favorite

Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8057

You deserved it

554

Favorite

By Amanda

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1790

You deserved it

3832

Favorite

By nature

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3271

You deserved it

310

Favorite

By Lennie Mcfish

We are legion

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1050

You deserved it

533

Favorite

By Joel - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17485

You deserved it

69906

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9796

You deserved it

52449

Favorite

By e - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27365

You deserved it

4306

Favorite

By simply2010 - United States

Today, and every day, a homeless looking man walks into my work, sits down and stares. I'm new to the job so, trying to make new friends, when the guy walked in this time, I went over to a co worker I was really clicking with, and went off about how creepy he was. He replied with "Who, my dad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

11716

You deserved it

32746

Favorite

By Xandar

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3329

You deserved it

494

Favorite

By yoked - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33106

You deserved it

4607

Favorite

By FML - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38148

You deserved it

7479

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

I agree, your life sucks

3440

You deserved it

165

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17213

You deserved it

44977

Favorite

By dwellswithin - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52386

You deserved it

4529

Favorite

By what - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29882

You deserved it

2096

Favorite

By virginmary - United States

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37390

You deserved it

3170

Favorite

By cyantist - United States

Today, I'm sick. I got the flu shot for the first time ever this year and for the first time in my life, I have the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24795

You deserved it

5155

Favorite

By minaaaaajftw - Norway - Jessheim

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7706

You deserved it

37487

Favorite

By booger - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43662

You deserved it

14967

Favorite

By Sacha - 19/1/2021 08:01 - Canada

When nature calls

Today, while I was working in a grocery store, a costumer decide to take a dump on the ground after I told him he couldn’t access to restrooms because my boss closed them due to COVID restrictions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

911

You deserved it

153

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my self-esteem hit rock bottom when I was intimidated by a 10-year-old. I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30691

You deserved it

6733

Favorite

By anon - United States

Today, I was performing in an orchestra concert. My stand partner and I commented on people in the audience the whole time, saying how fat they were, etc. Towards the end of the concert, I realized we were sitting right by a microphone, and the whole audience could hear us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11059

You deserved it

103045

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I invited over 30 people to come to the park with me since the day was nice and cool. I sat there for three hours by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38302

You deserved it

5079

Favorite

By Sidney - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10023

You deserved it

41696

Favorite

By pinchy - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40873

You deserved it

4621

Favorite

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

What day is it?

Today, I caught my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5302

You deserved it

1232

Favorite

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7841742 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:42

To that generation, "cut the watermelon" means farting.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7841702 - Monday 9 September 2019 3:21

Did he make you go outside and fetch him a switch?

COMMENTS

By ahabsfan | 14

#7841700 - Monday 9 September 2019 2:41

Were you on his lawn at the time?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7841702 - Monday 9 September 2019 3:21

Did he make you go outside and fetch him a switch?

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7841735 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:33

Or a sammich?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7841734 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:32

So did you stop being rude?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7841742 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:42

To that generation, "cut the watermelon" means farting.