By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1428

You deserved it

139

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Dangling modifier

This is us

Emergency haircut

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46563

You deserved it

3209

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By Thanks Fred

Today, I discovered why there was such a horrible stench in my bedroom. My cat had a secret stash of shit under my dresser. Along with the carcass of a rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1747

You deserved it

286

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 02:00

How d'you think?

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1531

You deserved it

156

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By squeezable - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said "Honk, honk!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44302

You deserved it

6785

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By Brenden - United States - Massillon

Today, my new neighbor moved in. Because she was fairly young, I offered to mow her grass whenever it needed cut. Her dad then tried to start a fight with me because he thought it was sexual come-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43104

You deserved it

6992

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36439

You deserved it

4828

Favorite

By VeeDubDisaster - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14242

You deserved it

28407

Favorite

By mike - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31445

You deserved it

7108

Favorite

By Anonymos_fmler - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33820

You deserved it

5275

Favorite

By brokenhearted - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34048

You deserved it

2581

Favorite

By comet5002 - United States

Today, I played a goth character in my friend's student film with goth clothes, lip ring, eyeliner, etc. We went into Starbucks at break and an elderly man came up to me and said "Your kind is the reason for all the bad stuff in this world" and then spat in my $5 drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47712

You deserved it

5442

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

59971

You deserved it

13922

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2138

You deserved it

804

Favorite

By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2174

You deserved it

122

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Utica

Today, my wife appropriated our savings to finance her crazy, midlife crisis idea of designing and marketing Cheez Whiz dildos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41563

You deserved it

3442

Favorite

By birthdaygirl - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. The only people who wished me a happy birthday were the ones who saw the "birthday boy" poster my sister plastered around school, which included a photo of me as a kid dressed up as a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44933

You deserved it

4187

Favorite

By Jen_ - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30398

You deserved it

3007

Favorite

By shea234 - United States

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27845

You deserved it

8650

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

I agree, your life sucks

17912

You deserved it

76923

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eastbourne

Today, I went to a big job interview. Everything went well at first, with the interviewer being impressed by my CV. I was then interrogated over not having a Facebook account, and practically accused of being a criminal, because people without them "always have something to hide". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27566

You deserved it

1911

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my daughter asked me to braid her hair. When I was done, she said Daddy's girlfriend does it better. I wasn't aware we had an open marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3973

You deserved it

169

Favorite

By Creep - Canada

Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

18287

You deserved it

149070

Favorite

By independant - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2647

You deserved it

531

Favorite

By booboo300

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

837

You deserved it

2203

Favorite

By shellbom - United Kingdom

Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said "how would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28715

You deserved it

3997

Favorite

By ilivehere - United States - Moline

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his parents' house. I was overjoyed. His mom hugged me with tears in her eyes. His father, who never really spoke before, hugged me a few hours later when we were alone, his hands traveling to my ass and whispering, "I can change your mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

73409

You deserved it

4383

Favorite

By cthulhu help me - United States - Cabot

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32527

You deserved it

2803

Favorite

By what even - United States - Athens

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33546

You deserved it

4821

Favorite

By Akashi - 22/7/2020 14:00

Nutfirecracker

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and his legs were on my lap. We heard a loud firework from somewhere outside our window, we both jumped and I felt the pain of him kicking me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1180

You deserved it

376

Favorite

By Jim - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1996

You deserved it

Favorite

By jojolee68 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a taxi cab while the driver listens to a radio show about sex fetishes. Can't wait to look him in the eye as I pay him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28803

You deserved it

2781

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I went in for I thought would be an interview for a promotion, but turns out there was no interview set up, and they'd already decided who would be the next manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1472

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 14:01

Living a lie

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1338

You deserved it

183

Favorite

By MegaZeo - United States - Livermore

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30607

You deserved it

3255

Favorite

By Uggghhh

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4192

You deserved it

1707

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend emotionally proposed over dinner, and I said yes. Soon after he left, he tweeted "I just fucked up...." and a few minutes later called me and claimed the proposal was a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28438

You deserved it

1870

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4358

You deserved it

433

Favorite

By valnaj1 - Denmark - Vamdrup

Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

89717

You deserved it

27666

Favorite

By machina

Today, I approached my mother for comfort, because I've been feeling depressed and unloved by anyone lately. She replied, “Honestly, I stopped loving you back when you were a toddler.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2117

You deserved it

119

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I was talking to one of my supervisors at my new job. He asked if I knew a professor at the school I recently graduated from, and I decided to babble on about how shitty of a professor he was and how much I loathed his class. He then looked at me and said, "That's my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12453

You deserved it

22389

Favorite

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7841742 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:42

To that generation, "cut the watermelon" means farting.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7841702 - Monday 9 September 2019 3:21

Did he make you go outside and fetch him a switch?

COMMENTS

By ahabsfan | 14

#7841700 - Monday 9 September 2019 2:41

Were you on his lawn at the time?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7841702 - Monday 9 September 2019 3:21

Did he make you go outside and fetch him a switch?

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7841735 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:33

Or a sammich?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7841734 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:32

So did you stop being rude?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7841742 - Monday 9 September 2019 7:42

To that generation, "cut the watermelon" means farting.