By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 05:01

Who's that?

Today, after waking up beside my girlfriend to get ready to go to work, I leaned down to kiss her while she was still asleep, and she said, "Have a good day Jake." My name starts with a J, but it's not Jake. FML

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Love

Sleep

Dangling modifier

Triage

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

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27981

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Amersham

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months moved in to my apartment. I had never been to his place because his roommate was a drug addict, so it came as quite a surprise when he brought three taxidermied cats with him, insisting that I let him mount them in the living room. FML

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40794

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By gotadirtydick

Today, my neighbor's kid started learning the violin. FML

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4321

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468

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By Jen

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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11676

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608

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By Lissy - 5/1/2021 14:02

You're my mommy now

Today, and everyday since we got a puppy in March, my husband is jealous of the puppy who follows me everywhere. He was the one that wanted the puppy and now he practically hates it. FML

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788

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171

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By jitterbug - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

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32652

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By Anonymous

Today, after 20 years together and 9 years of marriage, I found out that my husband has been having an affair with my cousin for 6 years. The same cousin who came over every Friday. Who he wanted to be godmother to our 3 kids. FML

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3435

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225

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By hatelittleboys - United States

Today, I was playing FarmTown and got into a fight with a 14 year old boy. I threatened him with physical violence, and he reported me. I'm 23 years old and got banned from a virtual farming game for threatening children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8961

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By dirtbikeguy - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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31090

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1966

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By santabelly

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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9466

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By unacceptable - Australia

Today, my mum thought it was perfectly acceptable to post a status on Facebook about how well she is healing up after her hemorrhoid surgery, and tag me in it. FML

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26208

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2727

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By hmb - United States

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

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35979

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2893

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29174

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4706

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By oldlady - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

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41041

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2446

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By hhhhhhhpeterwut - United States - Bethesda

Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML

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9329

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54655

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By slicero

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

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8967

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628

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

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36565

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend repeatedly whispering in my ear, "You want to give me a blowjob". Yes, he actually thought it would work. FML

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34864

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4631

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By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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32889

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By Missy - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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30030

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By ygma - United States - Mansfield

Today, my extremely religious grandmother disowned me for watching Supernatural. FML

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26353

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2748

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By wow - France

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

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35712

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6181

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By Username - France

Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8965

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30572

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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51633

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandfather kept on asking me questions about my girlfriend and was obviously proud of the things he remembered about her. The only thing he couldn't remember is that we broke up. I had to talk with him about our 'great relationship' for over an hour. FML

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45110

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4034

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By Painful - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

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14885

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39909

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By anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

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29539

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1821

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By bad boyfriend - Canada

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

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18411

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25175

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By Sally - United States

Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML

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3699

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1263

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend road head. He closed his eyes when he came, and crashed into a pole. I have whiplash, and a very very angry father. FML

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11675

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By bob - United Kingdom - London

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

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32761

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4436

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By theregoesmyspermcount - United States

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

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69727

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5676

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By spiderlady - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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24903

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2152

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By Anonymous

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

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3832

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476

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By KaD - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was happy about finally having the time to pot up the $50 worth of reblooming iris's I bought. Until I went into the garage and couldn't find them. My husband cleaned up and threw them in the garbage. FML

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1896

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255

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

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45446

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By Eet- - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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36095

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4226

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By hipster glasses - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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47544

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with a British accent during my job interview to make me sound smarter. I'm applying for a job at McDonald's. FML

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29479

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By ChiefKoala - United States - Rockwood

Vibrate mode

Today, my stomach growled so loudly in class that my professor told us to make sure our phones were silenced. FML

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1810

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Top comments

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7971536 - Sunday 14 February 2021 11:43

Jake from State Farm?

By Chazzster | 20

#7971597 - Sunday 14 February 2021 19:56

Seriously, why not ask her when she is awake who Jake is? She’s the one who knows.

People are not responsible for their dreams or what they say when half asleep. Don’t let that be an issue for you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7971524 - Sunday 14 February 2021 9:27

After you leave, I think Jake is going to have a very good day!

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7971536 - Sunday 14 February 2021 11:43

Jake from State Farm?

By Chazzster | 20

#7971597 - Sunday 14 February 2021 19:56

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7971645 - Monday 15 February 2021 1:08

She was half asleep, probably didn't know what she was saying.

By ghostinflames | 13

#7971677 - Monday 15 February 2021 7:34

She sounds hideous

By Warp1978 | 12

#7971722 - Monday 15 February 2021 11:27

Take a half day and come home unexpectedly. If you think that this name slip is a thing otherwise let it go, with everything going on right now just do you need the extra hassle

By chyiochan | 31

#7971874 - Monday 15 February 2021 22:34

You're almost as weird as the girlfriends who break up with their BF's when they have a dream about their partner cheating. People dream and its uncontrollable.

By Malachi Malachi | 3

#7972391 - Thursday 18 February 2021 2:53

i would have woke her ass up. like "bae..... bae....BAE...😊 um gm. one question love ... WHO the F*** ! is jake?🤔🧐?