By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 05:01

Who's that?

Today, after waking up beside my girlfriend to get ready to go to work, I leaned down to kiss her while she was still asleep, and she said, "Have a good day Jake." My name starts with a J, but it's not Jake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

941

You deserved it

Favorite

Love

Sleep

Proactive

Season finale

Mix and match

By crazychick - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47233

You deserved it

5134

Favorite

By stick - United States

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9325

You deserved it

171619

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22730

You deserved it

1709

Favorite

By WTF - United States

Today, I have to choose between getting a cellphone contract that I need, or a TV that I don't even want, but which my flatmates insist I contribute towards. The same flatmates who eat all my food. This increased grocery bill has left me unable to afford either the phone or TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28868

You deserved it

6516

Favorite

By Anonymous - Antigua and Barbuda

Today, I passed a car, and heard a baby crying in the back seat. It was hot and no one was around. All the doors were locked so I broke it with a rock, cutting my arm and setting the alarm off. Only to find out that it was a realistic baby doll. I have to get 7 stitches and pay for the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32887

You deserved it

9322

Favorite

By NotSteve - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57496

You deserved it

11144

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

I agree, your life sucks

71190

You deserved it

12077

Favorite

By thechimpchapter - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31370

You deserved it

7145

Favorite

By ThisChick - United States - New Orleans

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11923

You deserved it

2521

Favorite

By furball - Inchture

Today, I was at Sea World and was about to take a picture of the big walrus. I noticed my phone was still set to use the front camera, and I muttered "Oops, selfie mode." A guy next to me turned, looked at me, and said "Not like there's a difference for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56147

You deserved it

9292

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52802

You deserved it

7297

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had dinner with my family at a fancy restaurant. They kept commenting about how cold it was and asked the waitress to turn off the air conditioning. When I got home, I realized the embroidered daisies on my undershirt made it look like I have giant protruding nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25413

You deserved it

5941

Favorite

By SantaClaus - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 8-year-old came home from school crying. Apparently her teacher told the whole class to write about how they felt when they learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59481

You deserved it

5971

Favorite

By auslander - Switzerland

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58344

You deserved it

7819

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25290

You deserved it

2125

Favorite

By lifebecrazed

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32264

You deserved it

2945

Favorite

By Anonymous

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

774

You deserved it

2145

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57468

You deserved it

18687

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36209

You deserved it

4635

Favorite

By Bad Mommy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35243

You deserved it

9387

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23960

You deserved it

8202

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22838

You deserved it

70384

Favorite

By Numbnuts - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11285

You deserved it

38367

Favorite

By stupidcunt - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42428

You deserved it

5325

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fremont

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend, when his doorbell rang. He said it was his friend and that he'd be back soon. He shut off his video feed but forgot to mute his audio. A few minutes later, I heard him and some orgasm-faking girl getting it on in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27245

You deserved it

1724

Favorite

By tardspawn - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33502

You deserved it

3963

Favorite

By Friendly - United States

Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63764

You deserved it

2571

Favorite

By Debra - United States - Bloomington

Today, I had the class clown of my preschoolers oversleep our daily 15-minute nap. Not wanting to spare any more class time on his disrupting jokes, I let the headache sleep. After another 10 minutes we called an ambulance. He had a stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4879

You deserved it

967

Favorite

By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25068

You deserved it

2781

Favorite

By Charly - France

Today, I sent a text message to this girl I've been flirting with for a while now saying "How about coffee?". To which she answered "Great idea, I'll go and make myself one right now". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27097

You deserved it

3347

Favorite

By regstl - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66068

You deserved it

3304

Favorite

By grant b - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35315

You deserved it

6047

Favorite

By NoPromotionForYou

The sweet smell of success

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1389

You deserved it

568

Favorite

By tallvet

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3867

You deserved it

281

Favorite

By pissypants

Maybe he's into that...

Today, at the movies on a date, I drank all my soda and waited too long. I couldn't take it anymore and quickly got up, knocking my dates popcorn on the floor, and ran to the bathroom. I didn’t make it and went home in shame. It’s better he thinks I stood him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2072

You deserved it

3310

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15804

You deserved it

42179

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27373

You deserved it

2573

Favorite

By goodbye cruel world - United States - Salisbury

Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23384

You deserved it

41724

Favorite

By benander - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68798

You deserved it

4085

Favorite

By -_- - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38883

You deserved it

5331

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7971536 - Sunday 14 February 2021 11:43

Jake from State Farm?

By Chazzster | 20

#7971597 - Sunday 14 February 2021 19:56

Seriously, why not ask her when she is awake who Jake is? She’s the one who knows.

People are not responsible for their dreams or what they say when half asleep. Don’t let that be an issue for you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7971524 - Sunday 14 February 2021 9:27

After you leave, I think Jake is going to have a very good day!

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7971536 - Sunday 14 February 2021 11:43

Jake from State Farm?

By Chazzster | 20

#7971597 - Sunday 14 February 2021 19:56

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7971645 - Monday 15 February 2021 1:08

She was half asleep, probably didn't know what she was saying.

By ghostinflames | 13

#7971677 - Monday 15 February 2021 7:34

She sounds hideous

By Warp1978 | 13

#7971722 - Monday 15 February 2021 11:27

Take a half day and come home unexpectedly. If you think that this name slip is a thing otherwise let it go, with everything going on right now just do you need the extra hassle

By Seeya55 | 31

#7971874 - Monday 15 February 2021 22:34

You're almost as weird as the girlfriends who break up with their BF's when they have a dream about their partner cheating. People dream and its uncontrollable.

By Malachi Malachi | 3

#7972391 - Thursday 18 February 2021 2:53

i would have woke her ass up. like "bae..... bae....BAE...😊 um gm. one question love ... WHO the F*** ! is jake?🤔🧐?