Intimacy, Health and Holidays: Today, my wife and I got back from our cruise ship holiday. It... - FML

By ouchy - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, my wife and I got back from our cruise ship holiday. It was intended to be ten nights of relaxation and romance. The first five nights she had her period, and the next five nights I had painful welts on my tip from the mess in my swim shorts. Ten days later, no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3045

You deserved it

449

Tweet

Share

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

Reliable

By princessbbee - United States

Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25700

You deserved it

7114

Tweet

Share

By ForgottenKid - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35823

You deserved it

2563

Tweet

Share

By "PineappleOfMyEye"

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

I agree, your life sucks

1926

You deserved it

2412

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

First dates suck

Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1438

You deserved it

282

Tweet

Share

By john - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37762

You deserved it

5129

Tweet

Share

By peachmelba - Denmark

Today, I spent most of the day doing a project for school. When I finished, I got a call from my project partner. She couldn't finish her part because her internet didn't work. When I finally finished everything, I went on Facebook. She was on Facebook too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47684

You deserved it

4673

Tweet

Share

By nadette - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72581

You deserved it

3955

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Palmer

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25546

You deserved it

2622

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks

3903

You deserved it

306

Tweet

Share

By someonevexed - Germany

Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38955

You deserved it

10160

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25324

You deserved it

13298

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I figured out why my name is Ashley. In order to tell my older sister about getting a new little sister, my parents thought it would be a good idea to make her imaginary friend "Ashley" real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32534

You deserved it

3154

Tweet

Share

By whywasitthere - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5997

You deserved it

1023

Tweet

Share

By imgoingtofreakout

Cheers

Today, my Christmas present from my boyfriend was chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5387

You deserved it

629

Tweet

Share

By Mick - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

860681

You deserved it

94306

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Don't do drugs, kids

Today, I've been awake for nearly three days due to homework and my mom's wedding preparations, so I took some Adderall to keep me awake at school. I took too much, totally zoned out in class, became hopelessly fascinated by my own hand, and was accused of doing drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40700

You deserved it

22345

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4207

You deserved it

310

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23954

You deserved it

2261

Tweet

Share

By RedWaters - United States

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61360

You deserved it

15848

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4774

You deserved it

247

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was online and had no plans. I felt extreme happiness knowing he had no life. Then I realized that I was online and had no plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10832

You deserved it

37435

Tweet

Share

By

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2361

You deserved it

477

Tweet

Share

By Jeremy - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27192

You deserved it

86956

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Woodside

Dazed and Confused

Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6238

You deserved it

484

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, we've hit day 4 with no hot water in my apartment. Today is also day 4 of the office insisting that the plumber is "on his way". My neighbor just got arrested for screaming at them. Looks like we'll be entering day 5 soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6457

You deserved it

421

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 11:01

Keeping warm

Today, thanks to my habit of peeing in the shower, I accidentally peed in the bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

227

You deserved it

1158

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40901

You deserved it

11081

Tweet

Share

By Marfo101 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29284

You deserved it

13354

Tweet

Share

By wowzers0889 - United States - New York

Today, I was sent to a customer's house to switch out a washing machine. My boss had assured me that everything I'd need was already in the truck. Halfway there, I ran out of gas and I realized I didn't have the gas card. My boss says it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22652

You deserved it

7498

Tweet

Share

By Wtf - United States - Peoria

Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5890

You deserved it

797

Tweet

Share

By Alice - United States

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66339

You deserved it

10823

Tweet

Share

By outie - 13/9/2020 02:02

Genetics

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1457

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30291

You deserved it

3572

Tweet

Share

By Urinal Fresh - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24105

You deserved it

4354

Tweet

Share

By anonyme - France - Grenoble

Today, the left side of my head has officially declared its independence. Half of my hair is now curly, the rest is totally flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43535

You deserved it

4624

Tweet

Share

By WetWetWet - India

Today, I returned to work after a restful week-long holiday. Before I left, I'd finished a huge assignment which is due this week. I walk in to find a water pipe has burst just above my desk, flooding our office with water and ruining my computer. Happy New Year to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27913

You deserved it

2594

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34176

You deserved it

5539

Tweet

Share

By trappedinmyownhome

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28419

You deserved it

2816

Tweet

Share

By mee - 10/10/2020 05:01

Messed up

Today, I started new meds because I’ve been emotionally numb since I was 14. I never learned how to manage real feelings and I’m on a rollercoaster that involves crying over nothing, feeling jealous of my husband’s Xbox, and getting angry at inanimate objects. Is there a return policy on this? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1750

You deserved it

268

Tweet

Share

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Not for me

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

577

You deserved it

1061

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By julfunky | 29

#7693688 - Saturday 15 September 2018 3:41

Dear God, I hope you meant “the mesh” because otherwise... *shudders*

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7693709 - Saturday 15 September 2018 4:29

I was literally over here thinking so hard about what "mess" you couldve possibly had in your pants to irritate your penis. sand perhaps? menstrual blood? ... then I realized you probably meant mesh.

COMMENTS

By julfunky | 29

#7693688 - Saturday 15 September 2018 3:41

Dear God, I hope you meant “the mesh” because otherwise... *shudders*

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7693769 - Saturday 15 September 2018 8:40

I never would have figured this out on my own. Thank you.

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7693709 - Saturday 15 September 2018 4:29

I was literally over here thinking so hard about what "mess" you couldve possibly had in your pants to irritate your penis. sand perhaps? menstrual blood? ... then I realized you probably meant mesh.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7693711 - Saturday 15 September 2018 4:39

When she’s on her period, you can always get blowjobs on credit.

Reply

wrhapsody | 10

#7694140 - Sunday 16 September 2018 7:23

not true. literally the last thing I want to do while my uterus is assaulting me from the inside is to suck on a dick.

By nubs | 22

#7693715 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:15

Well maybe it will be much nicer sex once you finally can do it again? So it’s not all bad. 😅

Reply

griddy24 | 17

#7809864 - Thursday 6 June 2019 23:26

Yeah , a break from sex always makes me super horny , which then makes sexy times more fun.

By zip2dwess | 12

#7693718 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:26

Period doesn’t always mean no sex.. too bad for you guys!

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7693720 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:35

You need to avoid stingrays in the future.

By T1A2Z3 | 34

#7693723 - Saturday 15 September 2018 5:45

Why didn't you have sex on her period?

By MakuHaki | 3

#7693894 - Saturday 15 September 2018 16:15

Most people would change their bathing suit if they had a "mess" in it

By slkeithh | 12

#7693901 - Saturday 15 September 2018 16:36

You and your wife aren't intimate while she's on her period? YDI then.

By thelittlem | 15

#7694114 - Sunday 16 September 2018 4:42

why does everyone think you cant have sex on your period? grab a condom and a towel then shower after.

Reply

Stephanie Claire | 12

#7694703 - Monday 17 September 2018 13:39

Or just start in the shower to begin with