Work: Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the... - FML

By heyyoitsapotato - United States

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50014

You deserved it

3286

Tweet

Share

Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Masterchef 2020

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 11:01

Keeping warm

Today, thanks to my habit of peeing in the shower, I accidentally peed in the bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

227

You deserved it

1155

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

94

Tweet

Share

By The_Rest_of_the_Story - United States - Effingham

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42009

You deserved it

11357

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the handle in the port-a-potty broke off, with me inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32007

You deserved it

2831

Tweet

Share

By epicc1584 - United States

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53071

You deserved it

4430

Tweet

Share

By stupidcunt - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42428

You deserved it

5325

Tweet

Share

By chumman - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58013

You deserved it

20854

Tweet

Share

By sounds good mom - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12023

You deserved it

2533

Tweet

Share

By loser - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27417

You deserved it

2509

Tweet

Share

By emilyhendrix0414 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22321

You deserved it

6554

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Death Grips

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1852

You deserved it

311

Tweet

Share

By vampire - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34288

You deserved it

3547

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I found out that you need to clean your car more often when you find a mouldy burrito under the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6136

You deserved it

34903

Tweet

Share

By single - Canada

The Boxer

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I checked the box with the ring to make sure it was still there, and saw a piece of paper in it. It said, "No." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2215

You deserved it

161

Tweet

Share

By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35146

You deserved it

6222

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

#notyourmaid

Today, at work, someone shat outside the bathroom door. Not outside the stall, but in the actual hallway. Guess who got fired for refusing to clean it up! I’m a cashier at a tool supply company and the only female employee. Four dudes refused before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5428

You deserved it

345

Tweet

Share

By -__- - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

I agree, your life sucks

38875

You deserved it

5722

Tweet

Share

By emmey - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18878

You deserved it

44757

Tweet

Share

By sihehe

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1504

You deserved it

182

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I started a new internship. I couldn't do anything until I was trained, and I couldn't be trained until I had a login. I stared at a wall for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40392

You deserved it

4347

Tweet

Share

By Gloria

Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6237

You deserved it

809

Tweet

Share

By neverdateaclosetcase - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46287

You deserved it

13487

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40636

You deserved it

5282

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Lakeville

Cash me?

Today, working in a liquor store, I had to tell a girl I couldn't sell her alcohol since she was severely intoxicated. She told me to "cash me ousside, how bow dat?" then smashed a bottle of wine and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1736

You deserved it

109

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50277

You deserved it

23921

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9421

You deserved it

1003

Tweet

Share

By dez - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13468

You deserved it

1079

Tweet

Share

By quitfuckingalready! - 4/9/2020 08:00 - United States

Let me go

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1501

You deserved it

174

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18404

You deserved it

36603

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 17:00

Decisions, decisions

Today my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1510

You deserved it

108

Tweet

Share

By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37444

You deserved it

4965

Tweet

Share

By cheerymama - United States

Today, I did my old "toe-touch" cheerleading move to try to impress my 5-year-old daughter. When I landed, I broke my toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11893

You deserved it

26038

Tweet

Share

By batman - 4/7/2020 02:02

How do magnets work?

Today, I found out I was qualified to go to a magnet school. My mom threw the papers away, claiming she thinks I shouldn't be with "rich and snobby" people. She grew up as a rich snob and has a fortune waiting for her when her parents die, and she brags about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1545

You deserved it

80

Tweet

Share

By caughtontape - United States

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93121

You deserved it

20529

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41070

You deserved it

3980

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I hired an exterminator to get the roaches out of the house I am renting. I came back from work and went to my bathroom, noticing that he used the plunger to unclog the toilet after he took a dump. After $150, there was shit all over my floor and plunger, and roaches still in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60588

You deserved it

3806

Tweet

Share

By Marissa Di Stefano - 5/1/2021 17:01

Leave me out of it

Today, my sister and mom were arguing. My sister was being really nasty to my mom, and decided to get nasty with me and drag me into the argument. Naturally, I got nasty back at her and we started fighting. My mom yelled at me for getting nasty with my sister, and kicked me out of the house for “being too nasty.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

766

You deserved it

167

Tweet

Share

By DoubledTrouble - United States - Washington

Today, my kids overheard me talking about cleaning the fuel system in our RV before we go to Disney World. They were so eager to get there, they decided they'd clean the fuel system themselves while I was at work, namely by pouring Tide into the gas tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15099

You deserved it

1273

Tweet

Share

By what the fuck - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45305

You deserved it

2707

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2858

You deserved it

439

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Bano360 | 25

#5514791 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:47

Main reason I do not want to have kids. 4 siblings is enough.

By sleepwalker13 | 25

#5514796 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:49

Kids these days have no manners

COMMENTS

By Bano360 | 25

#5514791 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:47

Main reason I do not want to have kids. 4 siblings is enough.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5514832 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:59

The way your kids turn out is up to you as a parent, it's not hard to understand that.

Reply

fishstick557 | 14

#5515270 - Friday 31 May 2013 18:00

Why didn't you move

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#5515598 - Friday 31 May 2013 22:16

It'd be your fault if they turned out like little shits.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5515858 - Saturday 1 June 2013 4:12

See kids today have no respect. They have no respect because their parents have no respect.

By sleepwalker13 | 25

#5514796 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:49

Kids these days have no manners

Reply

Bakarra | 22

#5514860 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:12

Parents have a big role in this as well. On another note, this is why I don't use public pools

Reply

allie2590 | 30

#5514933 - Friday 31 May 2013 14:08

I'm sure kids have always been taking dumps/pissing where they're not supposed to, not just "these days."

By Wizardo | 33

#5514800 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:50

So the kid wanted to be an ingredient of a massive poo stew and be marinated in the juices of someone else's faeces and everyone else's griminess... good luck.

Reply

cmayer | 20

#5515665 - Saturday 1 June 2013 0:24

Wow you made me actually gag..

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5514801 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:51

At least he peed on our feet which were underwater.... he could've peed on your head

Reply

Bakarra | 22

#5514856 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:10

That's the silver lining to this story? That's just sad...

Reply

Danielle7994 | 18

#5514859 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:11

The fml says OP was standing "at" the shallow end, not "in". He/She was probably standing on the cement. That child is purely evil lol.

Reply

MsConfusedd | 27

#5514886 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:38

17- true but even so of all places to be peed on, feet are probably the least horrifyingly awful

By isallwaysme | 27

#5514802 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:52

a mentally challenged kid pooped his pants at a pool here, then slipped and landed in it. making it shoot out is pants. i feel your pain.

By profoundkisses | 18

#5514811 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:54

Kids these days

Reply

Squirrel1256 | 15

#5515245 - Friday 31 May 2013 17:35

I could understand if it was an accident for the first kid, but the second kid should be bannned from the pool. Maybe then he would learn.

Reply

truth_teller23 | 11

#5515288 - Friday 31 May 2013 18:24

I'm pretty sure kids have been pooping and peeing in pools since the invention of pools. The child who peed on OP's feet needs to be taught by his parents.

By Lennes | 12

#5514812 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

Aaaaaand I'm reminded why I hate most kids. I'm sorry op, it seems like the latter kid needs to learn respect for the people who work.

By BigMatt803 | 18

#5514821 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:56

Some kids just have no respect or discipline. If I had done that and my parents were around, sitting down would have been difficult

By ozpunker | 20

#5514823 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:56

Put his head under until the bubbles stop.

Reply

elephantsarecute | 16

#5515685 - Saturday 1 June 2013 1:07

It's not funny to joke about drowning children, even horribly behaved ones.

Reply

clemsi | 20

#5517227 - Sunday 2 June 2013 6:13

Welcome to the internet, prepare to be extremely pissed off, or in OP's case pissed on.

By rita0ral | 8

#5514824 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:56

Nice job