Intimacy: Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee... - FML

By Username - 21/01/2011 01:41

Spicy

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 142

You deserved it 34 128

Best teeth in the game

Commando

The virus claims another victim

By Anonymous - 06/08/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 286

You deserved it 3 906

By jlee0000785 - 17/09/2012 14:15 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 988

You deserved it 2 193

By metallifreak44 - 14/11/2011 13:37 - Canada

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 958

You deserved it 3 715

By TJ - 06/04/2012 11:10 - United Kingdom - Redhill

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed. She slipped her hand under the duvet, and I got all excited thinking she was going to give me a hand job. She was actually pulling out her wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 136

You deserved it 10 355

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 050

You deserved it 7 175

By shmarf - 20/06/2015 06:00 - United States - Belton

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 573

You deserved it 19 453

By PhD student - 10/02/2016 11:57 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I worked from home to actually be able to concentrate and make a presentation about my project. My boss then sends me a long email about how he wants us to work in the office, and how important it is for team building, giving me feelings of guilt for actually getting some work done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 616

You deserved it 1 952

By fml - 27/03/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 584

You deserved it 3 345

By 13a5ic H1p5t3r - 15/08/2016 03:58 - United States - Spencer

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 480

You deserved it 1 881

By Kurt's Dad - 15/05/2019 16:04

Today, during my grandmother's funeral, my talented ten-year-old son found the church organ and began playing Smells Like Teen Spirit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 698

You deserved it 292

By OutOfLuck - 17/09/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, my professor informed me that if I didn't "show more commitment" to my choral ensemble he would give my spot to a "more interested young woman." I missed class to see my neurologist. Apparently my seizures are a symptom of lack of commitment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 298

You deserved it 2 752

By never_ending_hangover - 30/09/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend out to meet my coworkers for the first time. I really wanted to impress them, and get them to think how cool we are to hang out with, since I am new to LA. Instead, my boyfriend threw up in my boss's sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 024

You deserved it 4 800

By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 02:43 - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 980

You deserved it 3 759

By blahhhh - 09/04/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 354

You deserved it 4 981

By Anonymous - 24/08/2011 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was chased on my bike by a couple of guys in a car. I rode into a public park to cut through and try to lose them. I looked by to check if they were following me, but they had to stop. I laughed, looked forward, and rammed into a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 244

You deserved it 9 529

By happytuckerhappy - 30/12/2014 00:41 - United States - Chandler

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 638

You deserved it 3 128

By laurenmichela - 12/10/2015 21:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I coughed so much I threw up, then whilst recovering from throwing up, a fly flew into my mouth and I ate it. I then promptly threw up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 537

You deserved it 2 075

By beccaj_ilh - 06/09/2009 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 618

You deserved it 6 781

Rookie mistake

By Lokimagnus - 25/03/2020 23:05

Today, I was working from home. I felt very sleepy, so I set my online status “Active” and went back to bed. I woke up to 3 missed calls from my boss and an email from him, containing a webcam screenshot of me asleep in bed. I totally forgot he has remote access to my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 2 800

Vandals

By Interpid traveler - 07/09/2021 05:01

Today, I was woken up by my wife calling the police because our garden had been ransacked during the night. A whole row of houses has had their plants uprooted, greenhouses broken into and garden tools stolen. The cops haven't found any leads and I feel terrible for my wife, who poured her heart and soul into that garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 491

You deserved it 58

By Noname - 13/03/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I needed money to go to the movie. I asked my mom if I could reach in her purse and grab a few bucks. When I opened up her purse her phone started to vibrate. I yelled over to my mom that her phone was ringing. She said the phone was next to her. I looked in the purse. It was a vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 126

You deserved it 5 304

By alex - 14/03/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 710

You deserved it 10 046

By cul8erqtpie20 - 03/01/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 209

You deserved it 4 701

By SM - 30/10/2009 03:35 - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 754

You deserved it 2 031

By Oops - 18/11/2018 21:00 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 818

You deserved it 233

By Tressa95 - 25/02/2018 18:30 - United States - Belleville

Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 595

You deserved it 294

By Stoopid - 07/07/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 109

You deserved it 244 880

By happyshit - 13/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 035

You deserved it 6 374

By carssuck - 02/02/2012 10:28 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket for parking in my neighbors' parking spot. I parked there because my neighbors were parked in my parking spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 357

You deserved it 2 509

Careless Whisper

By ihatejasonderulo - 02/09/2014 15:32 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Spicy

Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 570

You deserved it 9 927

By Deedee - 28/03/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 909

You deserved it 236

By iliana74 - 20/04/2016 16:07 - United States - Hamilton

Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 866

You deserved it 2 227

By anonymous - 06/09/2016 03:05 - United States - Monroe

Today, my girlfriend told me that she didn't know we were actually dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 264

You deserved it 2 199

The step before rat-licker

By Annabelle - 17/03/2021 17:01

Today, I got caught sniffing a rat, and now my boss is forcing me to be tested for the black death and is "terrified" that I made everyone sick, and says I may be fired from my job as a pediatric anesthesiologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 1 072

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 18:57 - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 769

You deserved it 13 831

Our internet works fine, dumbass

By jenni - 19/09/2021 08:00

Today, I found out my son has been ditching his Zoom classes. He claims he couldn’t connect because of "technical difficulties." I can’t believe he seriously expected me to believe that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 108

By DEDMan - 28/10/2018 17:30

Today, I found out that my 6-year-old son was named after my wife's "Favorite Uncle" because he might also be the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 881

You deserved it 204

By Puddlepop - 01/03/2016 09:20 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 120

You deserved it 1 650

By GladYoureConcerned - 30/12/2014 18:15 - United States - Glendale

Spicy

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 551

You deserved it 4 235

By Anonymous - 07/09/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 494

You deserved it 5 000

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:02

She left you right? right?

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:02

Sounds like the perfect women to me

Comments

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:02

She left you right? right?

unfortunate_13 5

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:25

what's wrong with that? it's just a good little joke to break the ice. i would have laughed.

iSitt 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:27

If you are what you eat, then I'm cheap, fast and bad for you. - bumper sticker

unfortunate_13 5

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:29

then you're also fat^^

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:30

in this economy i dont blame you.

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Friday 21 January 2011 13:34

If you are what you eat then I don't exist ;)

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Friday 21 January 2011 14:05

I eat people what does that make me a person ? no that's to easy

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Sunday 3 April 2011 18:38

It makes you a Humanitarian.

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 4:25

23 would be whatever her meal had ate. Example: If someone eats broccoli they are therefore broccoli ( you are what you eat rule in effect ). If you eat them they would be broccoli, so you would be eating broccoli and then be broccoli.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:02

Sounds like the perfect women to me

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Friday 21 January 2011 11:23

you mean a slore (slut + whore. oh yes, yes I did)? yes. yes it does.

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Friday 21 January 2011 15:57

slores are great u barley have to talk to em and they'll fuck u

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Friday 21 January 2011 17:41

Giggity

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Saturday 22 January 2011 3:09

giggolo*

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Saturday 22 January 2011 3:28

you may barely have to talk to them but prices are INSANE!!!! (even though she says she's cheap)

truthbetoldxoxo 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:02

haha! so, your cheap and easy!! get over it!!

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:04

I think he got it;)

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:05

So did you get some or not?

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 21 January 2011 14:59

Cold coffee and hot sex? Or vice versa...

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Saturday 23 July 2011 18:27

hahahaha youre a g dude

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:06

lol wonder how the rest of that night went.

xxxJORDYBEARxxx 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:15

wait y would u say that

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:29

well hellooooo

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:52

u just wanted him to know you were a whore!!! lol jk but you definitely let him know he was getting some that night

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Friday 21 January 2011 9:53

OP is a girl. they went some where and she just ordered a small coffee. then she said this

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Friday 21 January 2011 13:33

Oh wow, you're a life saver! Thanks so much for pointing out the obvious and restating the FML. You're my hero!

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Friday 21 January 2011 14:27

lmfao goobuzz

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 37

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 34