Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when...

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5299

You deserved it

725

Favorite

Intimacy

Understandable

Basic Instinct

I don't need to see this

By Anonymous

Lee Trevi-not

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

614

You deserved it

1381

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Growing old gracefully

Today, I found out that as I get closer to 40, I often need to wipe my arse when I fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5641

You deserved it

621

Favorite

By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25688

You deserved it

2331

Favorite

By angry mama

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1651

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24736

You deserved it

8540

Favorite

By keimA

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1181

You deserved it

334

Favorite

By Sally - United States

Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3715

You deserved it

1268

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6772

You deserved it

1570

Favorite

By Lexi801 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44784

You deserved it

2875

Favorite

By HellaBomber91 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11049

You deserved it

40549

Favorite

By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2282

You deserved it

1505

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14715

You deserved it

25473

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6236

You deserved it

1567

Favorite

By skinnybitch

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1620

You deserved it

196

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Roller coaster ride

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

934

You deserved it

1622

Favorite

By blueberry_hill - United States

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28729

You deserved it

6102

Favorite

By "Brain_fart" - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3134

You deserved it

339

Favorite

By angry girlfriend - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47171

You deserved it

5640

Favorite

By lifebecrazed

Today, an elderly gentleman came into my store complaining of a toothache, so I showed him where the Orajel was located. He then insisted on making a big scene, claiming that I really had the magic touch and if I would just stroke his cheek all his pain would go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32264

You deserved it

2945

Favorite

By Allen - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10884

You deserved it

40372

Favorite

By em - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48169

You deserved it

5888

Favorite

By taxed - United States

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32928

You deserved it

4920

Favorite

By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4158

You deserved it

2425

Favorite

By Garcia2284

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2876

You deserved it

139

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14423

You deserved it

893

Favorite

By mperh - United States

Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42794

You deserved it

3227

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a homeless man asked me for money in a train station bathroom. When I told him I had no money he left. He then returned only to pour a bottle full of urine on my head while I was in the stall. I use a metro card. I honestly had no money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34656

You deserved it

2153

Favorite

By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - United States - Dodge City

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41300

You deserved it

6634

Favorite

By deerslayer559

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2641

You deserved it

397

Favorite

By stillhungry - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29316

You deserved it

3946

Favorite

By Spongebob Garypants - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11171

You deserved it

2051

Favorite

By KrissyBearr - United States

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I love him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49131

You deserved it

9951

Favorite

By STOPattheSIGNbitch

Tonight, on Idiots in Cars…

Today, a woman in an SUV rolled a stop sign and hit me, resulting in simultaneously twisting my foot in my bike and being knocked into oncoming traffic. Her excuse before I went to the ER? The sun was in her eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1608

You deserved it

127

Favorite

By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

I agree, your life sucks

302

You deserved it

925

Favorite

By Anon - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14115

You deserved it

1671

Favorite

By CutestBoysEver - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31633

You deserved it

2902

Favorite

By awkwardbf - United States

Today, I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and we were hanging out, talking, and enjoying each other's company. Then he looked into my eyes and right when I thought he was going to kiss me, he said "I can feel your heartbeat on my dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25749

You deserved it

4812

Favorite

By belladonna1025 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10201

You deserved it

799

Favorite

By clumsy

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35163

You deserved it

4685

Favorite

By MommyLovesMe - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

I agree, your life sucks

44602

You deserved it

3327

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By MyLifeAintThatBad | 10

#7533980 - Saturday 26 August 2017 1:39

did you go to the hospital?? honest question

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7533982 - Saturday 26 August 2017 1:42

This sounds like the start of a new sitcom.

COMMENTS

By MyLifeAintThatBad | 10

#7533980 - Saturday 26 August 2017 1:39

did you go to the hospital?? honest question

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7533982 - Saturday 26 August 2017 1:42

This sounds like the start of a new sitcom.

coolmike699 | 26

#7533999 - Saturday 26 August 2017 3:34

Cockjaw.

Coming this fall!

By jfsiv | 17

#7533986 - Saturday 26 August 2017 2:06

pics or it didn't happen.

By rgetting | 24

#7534001 - Saturday 26 August 2017 3:52

How did that come out?

vandj8 | 9

#7534902 - Monday 28 August 2017 19:04

Painfully?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7534012 - Saturday 26 August 2017 5:09

That sucks.

By LeoCor | 18

#7534015 - Saturday 26 August 2017 5:13

Kinky

By dedanjel | 33

#7534041 - Saturday 26 August 2017 8:03

How did your girlfriend "suddenly" come down with tetanus?

mitolit | 12

#7534055 - Saturday 26 August 2017 8:14

Lockjaw can be caused by many things... MDMA especially, as well as some other diseases besides tetanus.

mayalee713 | 7

#7534084 - Saturday 26 August 2017 9:40

Or TMJ? My sister will be eating like normal when out of nowhere her jaw will lock in place or pop loudly (and painfully). It doesn't happen daily or even weekly but when it does happen she just has to let it pass.

By Zanquis | 22

#7534105 - Saturday 26 August 2017 11:28

Sounds like a lot of BS to me, at the very least a big portion of exaggeration is in place...

It means that the whole time basically your penis should be staying erect, that is a long time to stay up while in pain unless you get off on that...

Minuet Stephens | 3

#7534113 - Saturday 26 August 2017 12:09

A man says he just had the worst blowjob ever. His mate asks - "How was it?" He replies "Bloody fantastic!" (But yes, if she was clamped down to the point he couldn't get out when soft then he would have serious damage after an hour....)

By willmc18 | 5

#7534239 - Saturday 26 August 2017 19:31

Sounds like what happened in the movie "The Sweetest Thing" only in that instance it was a piercing causing the problem...

By UDIRTYMUFFINS | 8

#7534310 - Saturday 26 August 2017 23:19

how long did you have her there to begin with for her to get lock jaw...? must not be that good lol