Love: Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee...

By negromancer - 11/07/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 583

You deserved it 4 352

Love

Triage

Rookie mistake

I'm not that old!

By anonymous - 16/09/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to play a murderer in an interrogation room. I got really into it and started pounding on the windows to try to "escape". The thin glass smashed. Four hours in casualty, stitches and plastic surgery pretty much sum up my mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 308

You deserved it 9 311

Overreaction much?

By brokenglass - 24/03/2021 21:30

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 52

And you like him why exactly?

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 250

By Ignorant - 07/10/2017 06:00

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 822

You deserved it 850

By bird-brain - 21/11/2009 12:19 - Germany

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 386

You deserved it 5 131

By Anonymous - 09/06/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 419

You deserved it 11 347

By anonymous - 01/11/2009 13:37 - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 415

You deserved it 2 585

By what's a rimjob between friends? - 06/09/2013 21:42 - United States - Boston

Today, at Walmart, a woman kept screaming at her husband for the most ridiculous reasons. My friend snickered that she must be on her period, prompting her to whirl around, storm over, and slap the hell out of me, thinking I was the one who said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 991

You deserved it 4 424

Burning rubber

By Anonymous - 16/05/2021 00:01

Today, I bought a car that literally caught fire seconds after I started the engine. The dealership then fobbed me off, saying I'd driven it off their forecourt (by about 3 yards), so it was entirely my problem, but they still expect my monthly payments to be on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 088

You deserved it 71

By will3000 - 12/01/2011 13:28

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 481

You deserved it 4 222

By jester777 - 22/01/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 520

You deserved it 49 299

By Noname - 11/02/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 293

You deserved it 5 469

By i believe in shaq - 19/08/2012 22:28 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my husband announced that he was fed up with us being known as the neighborhood slobs, and prepared to take down all the Christmas decorations still up from last year. He then decided it was too much effort, and that he'd leave them up to give us a three month head-start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 566

You deserved it 6 296

Murdered

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 20:01

Today, I woke up and checked my fish tank. I thought the temperature was too low, so half asleep, I turned it up. Now all my fish are dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 918

By Username - 26/09/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my mother followed me to work to see what I got up to. I'm a fitness instructor in a ground floor gym that has big windows overlooking the street. She stood outside and waved at me for half an hour, while I tried to concentrate on teaching a visibly amused class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 728

You deserved it 2 366

By facepalm - 27/02/2012 11:06 - United States

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 040

You deserved it 4 321

By looking - 25/09/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 326

You deserved it 17 598

Awkward

By Jeremy - 07/08/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 782

You deserved it 7 358

Whut?

By what did you say? - 15/06/2016 13:25

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 495

You deserved it 1 173

By Joe - 27/08/2012 13:33 - United States - Coalgate

Today, I started my new job at a fragrance store. While training, the manager had me smell all of the scents to become familiar with the products. Before my shift was over, I'd had three asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 193

You deserved it 5 720

By fatnick - 07/10/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 957

You deserved it 3 289

By gui909 - 09/12/2008 07:01 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 724

You deserved it 7 275

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 21:31 - United States

Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 834

You deserved it 5 003

Frittering it away

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 13:59

Today, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and I just found out he has an OnlyFans, on which I found he messages girls, and talks to one specifically nearly regularly all year. I have no idea how much he's spent on there, but a lot: tips, requests, di** ratings. This is only a small part, and we just got a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 134

You deserved it 121

By LennyComa - 19/03/2017 00:00

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 514

You deserved it 915

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 864

You deserved it 4 555

By midwesternpetclerk - 09/11/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 779

You deserved it 2 715

By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 2 829

By ps3isbetterthanme - 11/12/2009 16:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and my boyfriend was already awake. Feeling in the mood I slipped off my nightdress and looked him in the eye. He looked me up and down, smiled seductively, reached over... and turned his PS3 on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 796

You deserved it 4 288

By n - 04/04/2015 18:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 056

You deserved it 3 478

Laying eggs!

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 739

You deserved it 203

By Irritated - 12/09/2016 15:29 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 765

You deserved it 857

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 04:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 876

You deserved it 2 673

By FuckThis - 31/08/2015 13:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 230

You deserved it 2 512

By Anonymous - 28/01/2013 21:18 - United States - Fayette

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 189

You deserved it 2 147

By Dogs loose - 02/03/2010 12:17 - France

Today, I found out that there's nothing like having to chase a 100-something lb. Bloodhound around the neighborhood when you're 8 months pregnant, with a 3 and 4 year old in tow. Especially when she runs the other way at the sight of you coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 904

You deserved it 4 354

By chris - 14/06/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 814

You deserved it 3 857

By prince-charming - 07/11/2009 10:12 - Kuwait

Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of "Nooooo!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 610

You deserved it 3 914

By thanksforthat - 10/01/2013 23:11 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 270

You deserved it 3 841

By melean - 04/10/2010 06:37 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 594

You deserved it 3 053

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Xeciaris 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 9:58

I hate girls like her. Gold digging bitch, just waiting to find a rich old geezer to marry and divorce to loot out millions in divorce settlements. Don't even bother to go to the coffee place with her. I bet she's a STD sanctuary. Just move on.

albinoV 1

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Saturday 11 July 2009 9:58

Surely you told her where to go after that?

schinthalapuri 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 9:53

Rofl

A_Guy 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 11:58

That's not funny, that's pretty soul shattering depending on how much he liked her. I did laugh though, but it is fucked up to have said that to his face.

sexymessy 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 12:46

Well obliviously she's a total bitch,and your better off knowing NOW! And please don't tell me you still took her out after that!I hate people like that,I mean even if she didn't like you back she could have said it nicely.There's being honest and then there's being rude.

A83_fml 18

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Saturday 11 July 2009 16:47

just order a big ristretto without sugar for her, ask for the bill and run for the bathroom.

lordprash 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 17:36

The word you are looking for is "obviously." The word "obliviously" already has a meaning.

tenniskettle 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 20:11

of course he should have took her out after that, to some coffee shop, have a few muffins, more coffee, get up - say your going to bathroom and inform the waitress's his female friends picking up the cheque. also Falcon punch her....hard

mongorian 0

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Saturday 11 July 2009 23:34

That's all marriage is :) They're just theyre for the free shit...gold diggerssssssssssssssss

roflcopterzzz 0

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Monday 13 July 2009 8:39

You just won fmylife.com

Woop_Woop 0

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Tuesday 28 July 2009 13:22

can you falcon punch someone soft?

Edokun 0

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Friday 6 August 2010 21:22

yes you can actually its called make sure you havemt eaten in a few days so then your avtions shall be weak :L i only have to miss breakfast to become weak and almpst starv >.< and people call me bloody anerexic