Work: Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job,...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 100

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 40

29/03/2014 23:07

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 896

You deserved it 4 727

Work

Weird reason to leave, but OK

There's no helping some people

Vulture

Denied

By Anonymous - 05/09/2020 02:02

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 755

You deserved it 324

29/06/2016 22:12

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 327

You deserved it 1 017

20/10/2012 22:48

Today, I purchased a brand new television. Not long after the professional who hung it on my wall left, it came crashing down on my hardwood floor. I'm now left with a busted TV, a tear in my living room wall, and a severely drained bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 982

You deserved it 2 827

26/08/2009 04:28

Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 949

You deserved it 41 094

28/11/2011 12:34

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 158

You deserved it 9 395

12/05/2015 12:53

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 283

You deserved it 4 922

02/10/2016 06:38

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 045

You deserved it 1 128

18/08/2013 00:27

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 590

You deserved it 4 823

16/12/2010 17:06

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 549

You deserved it 4 257

14/03/2010 05:04

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 863

You deserved it 36 606

26/05/2019 22:11

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 3 073

11/12/2012 02:05

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 992

You deserved it 2 165

24/07/2009 09:04

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 900

You deserved it 4 734

18/10/2010 18:02

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 188

You deserved it 4 523

08/03/2012 19:03

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 160

You deserved it 56 388

Woof woof

By kjdhfakjs - 20/05/2010 18:32

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 327

You deserved it 6 674

11/08/2009 05:52

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 132

You deserved it 46 407

03/06/2009 17:40

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 362

You deserved it 16 576

Side piece

By sideGirl - 26/09/2020 10:01

Today, I found out my boyfriend has another girlfriend when she walked into his bedroom while we were having sex. I didn't drive there, so I'm now sitting in his car while they fight. It's been two hours since she got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 174

23/06/2015 15:57

Today, my grandmother ripped her pants. We all got a big view of her pink thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 191

You deserved it 2 196

25/02/2014 21:17

Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 002

You deserved it 4 519

14/01/2013 05:52

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 829

You deserved it 3 473

27/12/2010 06:23

Today, my husband finally admitted to his mother he'd got married. No wonder she wasn't involved with the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 731

You deserved it 3 362

10/02/2009 23:06

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551 790

You deserved it 46 777

09/03/2011 02:23

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 896

You deserved it 47 466

04/03/2009 16:24

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to give me a "hickey" with a vacuum cleaner while I was passed out drunk. Not only do I have to try and explain this to my girlfriend, but we're meeting her parents for lunch this afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 896

You deserved it 22 398

30/05/2011 03:27

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 453

You deserved it 3 763

Never go public

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 20:00

Today, I learned to keep your posts private on social media. Your boss might find your Facebook status updates saying, “I hate this shitty 9-5, I want to be on a beach with a margarita.” I got a call from him saying, “You’re terminated from the shitty 9-5, so you don’t have to anymore. Enjoy the beach!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 327

You deserved it 2 141

30/01/2015 11:00

Today, I bought a small tub of coconut pieces in a bid to eat healthier snacks at work. I noticed that the chunks were a bit slimy, but thought nothing of it and kept eating. It wasn't until I reached the final few pieces that I noticed a huge black slug crawling across the bottom of the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 627

You deserved it 5 703

Dirty girl

By Alyssa - 28/08/2019 04:00

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 220

16/04/2018 19:00

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 785

You deserved it 247

01/05/2015 19:26

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 014

You deserved it 32 867

Fly me to the moon

By Anonymous - 11/08/2020 23:01

Today, I booked a long distance flight across two continents, costing me over 600 bucks. I then got a confirmation email. For a different flight. I wrote to their customer service address, saying there has been an error, and to please either change or cancel the booking. I never got any reply. At all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 163

29/09/2014 15:42

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He told me one of my lights was busted, and I couldn't help but point out that one of his was out too. He said, "Thanks, I'll get that fixed right away." then gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 357

You deserved it 6 637

26/06/2012 21:10

Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 1 997

10/03/2012 02:05

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 827

You deserved it 3 230

13/02/2012 11:32

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 028

You deserved it 2 962

31/10/2012 04:22

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 682

You deserved it 3 154

29/06/2014 00:09

Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 425

You deserved it 5 212

12/02/2012 04:25

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 753

You deserved it 35 946

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Top comments

AUShano 15

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:40

Obviously a case of 100% Customer Satisfaction!

ThomasBombadil 31

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:35

I'll have what she had.

Comments

jerryj 27

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:32

Well, did you find anything?

subiedude08 17

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:34

Yea the sweet spot.

buckdharma 36

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Sunday 30 March 2014 14:40

Forbidden fruit maybe?

SgtAssCheeks 21

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Sunday 30 March 2014 14:43

The apple of Eden?

Llamassss 21

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Sunday 30 March 2014 17:36

Well, she went on her way, so nothing was found.

Stazza11 27

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Sunday 30 March 2014 22:04

At least you know who to call for role play now haha.

chocolatefrog28 29

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:33

Well, at least one of you enjoyed the experience.

Chanti_fml 26

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:34

Sounds like she finished too...

ThomasBombadil 31

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:35

I'll have what she had.

AUShano 15

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:40

Obviously a case of 100% Customer Satisfaction!

Jessj958 19

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Sunday 30 March 2014 19:41

Because you are great at what you do! ;) lol

Jakob2255 12

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:42

check your pocket for her number

ClearlyImFunny 12

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:42

First to say YDI give me a badge

FucYoCouch 13

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Sunday 30 March 2014 14:09

Clearly your username is wrong.

hellnosucka 27

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Sunday 30 March 2014 18:17

yea I think #8 misspelled their name quite terribly.

CrikOgresmasher 19

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Sunday 30 March 2014 21:04

I think it was meant to be "Clearlyimfirst". I call first to bitchslap him

why_teh_hell 25

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:44

/Just her way of making the experience mutual and making you feel as awkward as you probably made her feel./ At least I'm hoping that's why.

garrett_8614 14

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Monday 31 March 2014 0:06

I'm sure OP feels just as awkward feeling up people all day

why_teh_hell 25

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Monday 31 March 2014 8:19

Haha, true. Well I guess she made it even worse then!

chuka81 27

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:46

Maybe she was just trying to rattle you. Or maybe you have really good hands.

Black_Knight80 13

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Sunday 30 March 2014 13:53

She probably really needed the job.