Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job,...

By ohdear. - 29/3/2014 23:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML

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Work

Boom, headshot

Gas giant

No justice

By ithinkimturningjapanese - 6/8/2015 08:33 - United States - Apo

Today, I was diagnosed with food poisoning for the third time since moving to this base in Japan. My husband keeps cooking questionable meat and vegetables from the commissary because he thinks the food from a Japanese grocery store is radioactive. FML

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By booger - 18/7/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By holy sleet - 29/11/2013 21:49 - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 06:22 - United States - Lacey

Today, I was at my class's band concert. Before the curtain was raised, I helped haul the piano to a different spot so a girl who would've had to stand behind it could be seen. I said, "There, now your mom can see you play!" She responded with, "My mom's blind." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

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By Ew - 26/5/2016 13:02 - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - London

True romantic

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. During the act, he looked deep in to my eyes before whispering, "Up the arse next time?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2019 01:00

Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML

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By joybirdnot_13 - 8/7/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

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By ThirdWheelHell - 30/6/2016 06:07 - United States - Farmville

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 07:21 - United States

Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

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By jackzz - 9/4/2015 07:55 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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By neoteck - 8/1/2009 07:55 - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By buckid310 - 3/11/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By snipsnip - 16/7/2016 01:14

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By nooooooooob - 5/10/2011 08:59 - United States

Today, after a long bike-ride home, I thought my roommate was being a douche and holding the door shut to our apartment. After about ten minutes of shoulder-slamming and name calling, I discovered that I just wasn't turning the key all the way, which I found out when my roomie came home. FML

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By awkwardballer - 24/5/2016 16:53

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 02:22 - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

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By Doubleyew1 - 2/8/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By notagoodtime - 6/2/2016 20:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

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By nothisfault - 5/12/2008 04:40 - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By ihateveganism - 22/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By cock blocked - 22/4/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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By notacashier - 3/7/2014 12:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

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By nozVail - 20/11/2015 23:52 - United States

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

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By akosirm - 25/9/2012 02:28 - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

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By max5 - 8/9/2012 18:19 - France - Casseneuil

Today, my ex-girlfriend sent me an email. I was excited that she wanted to make amends for cheating on me before I dumped her. No, the email had a photo of her making out with the guy she cheated on me with, and the caption, "What you wish you still had". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML

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By Liz0352 - 8/11/2018 04:30 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 14:41 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after two weeks of not having sex, my pregnant girlfriend and I finally fooled around. This was immediately followed by her bursting into tears and begging me to make her a ham steak. FML

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By Nirah - 26/7/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By Awie - 20/10/2011 08:26 - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

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By Stung - 3/8/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By DreDre - 12/12/2019 03:00

The charity

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2019 02:00

Office life sucks

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

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By now have a cat - 24/4/2014 20:52 - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

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By Mighty Mouse - 21/5/2017 14:00

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

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Top comments

By AUShano | 15

#5900191 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:40

Obviously a case of 100% Customer Satisfaction!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5900189 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:35

I'll have what she had.

COMMENTS

By jerryj | 27

#5900185 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:32

Well, did you find anything?

subiedude08 | 17

#5900187 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:34

Yea the sweet spot.

buckdharma | 36

#5900223 - Sunday 30 March 2014 14:40

Forbidden fruit maybe?

SgtAssCheeks | 21

#5900225 - Sunday 30 March 2014 14:43

The apple of Eden?

Llamassss | 21

#5900287 - Sunday 30 March 2014 17:36

Well, she went on her way, so nothing was found.

Stazza11 | 27

#5900522 - Sunday 30 March 2014 22:04

At least you know who to call for role play now haha.

By chocolatefrog28 | 29

#5900186 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:33

Well, at least one of you enjoyed the experience.

By Chanti_fml | 26

#5900188 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:34

Sounds like she finished too...

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5900189 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:35

I'll have what she had.

By AUShano | 15

#5900191 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:40

Obviously a case of 100% Customer Satisfaction!

Jessj958 | 19

#5900432 - Sunday 30 March 2014 19:41

Because you are great at what you do! ;) lol

By Jakob2255 | 12

#5900192 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:42

check your pocket for her number

By ClearlyImFunny | 12

#5900193 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:42

First to say YDI
give me a badge

FucYoCouch | 13

#5900207 - Sunday 30 March 2014 14:09

Clearly your username is wrong.

hellnosucka | 27

#5900302 - Sunday 30 March 2014 18:17

yea I think #8 misspelled their name quite terribly.

CrikOgresmasher | 19

#5900494 - Sunday 30 March 2014 21:04

I think it was meant to be "Clearlyimfirst". I call first to bitchslap him

By why_teh_hell | 25

#5900194 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:44

/Just her way of making the experience mutual and making you feel as awkward as you probably made her feel./ At least I'm hoping that's why.

garrett_8614 | 14

#5900595 - Monday 31 March 2014 0:06

I'm sure OP feels just as awkward feeling up people all day

why_teh_hell | 25

#5900985 - Monday 31 March 2014 8:19

Haha, true. Well I guess she made it even worse then!

By chuka81 | 27

#5900195 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:46

Maybe she was just trying to rattle you. Or maybe you have really good hands.

By Black_Knight80 | 13

#5900197 - Sunday 30 March 2014 13:53

She probably really needed the job.