Work: Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For... - FML

By TimeForANewJob

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

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Season finale

There's no helping some people

Serious times

By Nosmie

Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By screwedwoman27 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

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By Fffhjno - United States - Providence

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

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By AGeeksWife - United States - Saukville

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

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By Lockedinroom - United States

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

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By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old used the word "crap". When I told her that she mustn't use that word because it's rude, she simply replied, "Mother, you should hear the words I use at school." FML

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By kennyjhynes - United States

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

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By funyfunkid - United States

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

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By Madison43097 - United States

The Three Bears Conundrum

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

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By tired - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, it's my mom's birthday. I woke up at midnight to be the first to tell her happy birthday. When I awoke in the morning, I decided to bake her a cake. Little did I know my whole family was going out to lunch to celebrate. I wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

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By cynical - 5/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

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By superb12345 - United States - Cascade

Today, my parents posted nasty comments about each other on Facebook. I think they might secretly be 12 year-olds. FML

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By windsoffate - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - United States - Houston

Eat the rich

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

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By somerandomchick - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By vargasm - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

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By ljajjanaa - 4/4/2021 11:00

For Those About to Rock…

Today, I had to politely request that my floormate not blast heavy metal music at 4 a.m. His response? "It’s the weekend," followed by him slamming the door in my face and turning the music up. I work weekends. FML

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By OweLotsaMoney - United States

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

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By Ghost - United States

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

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By tuck87 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By SBae - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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By whoops

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By Lizzie - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went into my fridge and someone had drank all the beer. Only my 8-year-old son lives with me. FML

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By :( - United States

Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

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By sad_unicorn - Australia - Yagoona

The Intruder

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Calexico

Today, I decided to turn my life around and start exercising more. I didn't even make it out the door before I tripped and fractured my ankle. FML

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Top comments

By jcash52426 | 5

#7390008 - Monday 16 January 2017 18:38

When you say new job do you mean in the company or somewhere else. If it in the company maybe your not doing a great job and there're trying to find you something different so you don't get fired. If outside the company then I let they see what they can get you it might better job.
At least there sort of looking out for you

By xx000o | 27

#7390116 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:19

Return the favor.

COMMENTS

By Cali | 54

#7389996 - Monday 16 January 2017 18:06

<p>So helpful, right?</p>

By jcash52426 | 5

#7390008 - Monday 16 January 2017 18:38

When you say new job do you mean in the company or somewhere else. If it in the company maybe your not doing a great job and there're trying to find you something different so you don't get fired. If outside the company then I let they see what they can get you it might better job.
At least there sort of looking out for you

By xx000o | 27

#7390116 - Monday 16 January 2017 21:19

Return the favor.

By 28actress | 22

#7391588 - Wednesday 18 January 2017 16:29

Sorry Dwight, but Jim and Pam are only trying to do what's best for you ?