Work: Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started...

By Anonymous - 30/09/2012 00:11 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 995

You deserved it 2 171

Work

The smell detective is on the case

Mother of the year

So compassionate

By coolest_mom - 25/11/2015 06:00

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 436

You deserved it 2 878

By Punk - 07/06/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 326

You deserved it 11 803

By All The Best People Are Crazy~ - 04/11/2016 03:49 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 934

You deserved it 1 262

Covidiots

By Anonymous - 14/01/2021 02:01 - United States - Orlando

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 100

You deserved it 152

By Anonymous - 08/04/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 156

You deserved it 38 134

By Anonymous - 23/08/2013 17:13 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 245

You deserved it 3 123

By nerd - 03/03/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 060

You deserved it 7 690

By Anonymous - 27/08/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 633

You deserved it 3 031

By Anonymous - 03/10/2013 05:24 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, my grandmother convinced me to come to a church meeting with her. My grandmother then made funny faces at me while the pastor was speaking, causing me to laugh out loud. Everyone heard me, including the pastor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 587

You deserved it 5 570

By Anonymous - 21/08/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 134

You deserved it 17 786

By icybrent94 - 05/08/2012 20:21 - United Kingdom - Arlesey

Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 170

You deserved it 40 313

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 20:14 - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 435

You deserved it 5 594

By anonymous - 06/09/2010 07:37 - United States

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 634

You deserved it 19 837

By anonYmous - 26/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, I received a phone call from my 91-year-old grandpa. He was lost driving somewhere in my town. I then spent the next few hours trying to teach him how to send his location until his phone died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 968

You deserved it 752

Another fine mess

By wow - 16/05/2019 00:05

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 708

You deserved it 314

By courtbabbbby - 12/02/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 712

You deserved it 43 681

By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 16:17 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 313

You deserved it 3 325

By VelociTheRaptor - 23/05/2017 02:00

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 152

You deserved it 753

By FYouBoyfriend - 30/08/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 530

You deserved it 16 170

By Anonymous - 07/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 274

You deserved it 209

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 21:27 - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 150

You deserved it 4 640

By JennyPenny - 17/10/2012 15:53 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I found out that even though your brother agrees to watch your dogs for a week, it does not mean that he will pick up after them. Apparently, it's okay to leave piss and shit all over the deck and floors because they're not his dogs and he shouldn't have to clean up their messes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 566

You deserved it 4 087

By buster - 13/02/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimitated by a group of 4 year olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 269

You deserved it 8 170

By girlie - 04/03/2009 23:45 - United States

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 388

You deserved it 47 418

By luroluro - 23/06/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 353

You deserved it 3 134

By DOGSNACHER - 29/12/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 303

You deserved it 2 529

By samantha - 27/01/2010 14:05 - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 670

You deserved it 4 347

By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - 07/12/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 639

You deserved it 46 956

By Username - 12/01/2010 04:03 - France

Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 001

You deserved it 28 783

For real though?

By Anonymous - 15/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Parkesburg

Today, my father was offered 85 sheep for my hand in marriage. We live in the USA, and he is literally contemplating the offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 341

You deserved it 648

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 12:38

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 259

You deserved it 4 386

By Anonymous - 15/08/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 070

You deserved it 2 893

The girl?

By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 01:00

Today, my mate was bragging about the nudes he was getting from this random girl, he proceeded to show me... It was my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 511

You deserved it 254

By Anonymous - 01/04/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was babysitting, and after the kids fell asleep I started hiding the Easter candy. They woke up when I was half-done, and it didn't take them long to figure out what was going on. They won't stop crying, and every time I go near them, they scream "LIAR!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 807

You deserved it 7 998

By organizse - 20/06/2015 14:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I went to a job interview, and my father in law's house. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed my bloody pantyliner had fallen out at one of these places. I don't know which one is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 586

You deserved it 2 804

By NO NO NO - 05/08/2013 21:42 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 357

You deserved it 5 322

By Gracie-Ann - 01/07/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 610

You deserved it 4 799

By smellslikeahangover - 29/07/2015 02:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 764

You deserved it 1 804

By geeshock1987 - 15/04/2013 05:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just remembered that I changed my Gmail display name to "Rice Ball" out of privacy-paranoia a while back. I've been using this same email to apply to several professional jobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 906

You deserved it 39 591

By whysheheartless - 03/11/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 790

You deserved it 3 040

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Top comments

kyat288 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:39

Walk up to him and whisper 'sore dicksss' and punch him in the groin

Big_lama6 7

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:40

That unemployment line isn't looking so bad anymore

182crazyking 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:37

This is the spookiest FML ever.

TurtleSmile 14

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:13

Hardly. Perhaps if he had whipped it out whilst whispering to OP and continued this daily then maybe that breaks the top 100.

BunchieRules 31

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:30

I'd say the one from a few days ago is creepier, when OP saw someone running from their backyard. Or the one where OP kept hallucinating a llama in their room. (Yes, the llama was me.)

skyenoelle 15

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:38

I didn't realize that "horse dicks" is such a spooky thing to be uttered by the words of OP's boss. I definitely wouldn't say that it's the scariest FML ever. OP's boss might just have a very weird sense of humor.

SwaggerMelon 6

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Sunday 30 September 2012 15:15

I think 1 was trying to make a pun about how horses get "spooked" when they're scared.

BeforeItWasCool 12

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Sunday 30 September 2012 17:10

Nah, the one where they heard someone scream outside when they live in the middle of nowhere was worse.

Llamassss 21

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Sunday 30 September 2012 23:17

22- The llama was me.

GuessWhatKids 13

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Tuesday 2 October 2012 0:43

Troll lvl: Master

Inediblepeaches 15

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 2:03

1- Thumb up only because Miku....

KM96 24

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:38

Talk about being unlucky and definitely uncalled for! Sorry for you OP

kyat288 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:39

Walk up to him and whisper 'sore dicksss' and punch him in the groin

kyat288 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 11:56

Most thumbs up out of all the comments on this fml... Cool :)

kyat288 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 12:05

Lol

Silver996 2

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Sunday 30 September 2012 15:16

Women don't realize how much it sucks to get socked in the balls.

SenselessPattern 12

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Sunday 30 September 2012 19:15

#29, I can turn your 2 comments into 1 using magic. Observe: #29 You got the most thumbs down on the FML. Lol. Tada.

onlychildFTW 33

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Sunday 30 September 2012 19:26

Comment 29 and 30 combined get -100 votes. Comment 3 was +99. So to see what his average thumbs number is we do -100 + 99 = 0 Therefore he has a bad thumbs average of -1 thumbs.

onlychildFTW 33

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Sunday 30 September 2012 19:29

Dammit. Ran out of time to fix it. It's now -2 thumbs and it shouldn't = 0. Damn.

SenselessPattern 12

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Sunday 30 September 2012 21:23

Holy shit, I didn't even realize it was the same commenter replying twice to himself. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

kyat288 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 21:49

Ha, I knoww... That was only to see how many comments my phone would let me post on one fml

kyat288 9

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Sunday 30 September 2012 21:51

So guys, calm downn

Big_lama6 7

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:40

That unemployment line isn't looking so bad anymore

Mister_Triangle 21

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Monday 1 October 2012 10:47

I'll gladly trade with OP

then000bster 16

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:40

I'm really interested in what he would say the next day you work. Whispers, "Bunny Balls...."

djxerxes9000 18

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:43

whisper "mule minge" in his.

ynaynd 6

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:43

Mr hands?

lebronesque73091 12

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:45

Just pretend you didn't hear it. Your boss probably won't continue if you don't acknowledge it.

lacespace 8

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:46

Welcome to the jungle.

marcranger 28

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:46

You work for Catherine the Great?

syki 22

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:09

Actually, the old story about her death is completely false. It was spread around by her political opponents of the age, who did not appreciate a female ruler. Certainly not one was also sexually liberated, behaving in much the way her male counterparts did. It's unfortunate that the myth persists to this day, to the degree that that's all that most people remember her for. She wasn't called 'the Great' for being a horse-fucker, you know.

Epikouros 31

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Sunday 30 September 2012 17:43

Way to ruin a good story, syki. Do you have pointy ears?

syki 22

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Sunday 30 September 2012 21:59

No, Captain, but I have a functioning brain and a decent education. I don't think it's a particularly good story when one of the greatest women in history is reduced to a patriarchal giggle about bestiality.