Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and... - FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 20:54 - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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Family values

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Toxic parents

By al0406 - 22/3/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my grandpa and my sister. My grandpa looks over at my sister and says, "Wow. You're so beautiful." Right after, he turns to me and says, "And you have a nice coat." FML

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By - 20/12/2019 20:00

Christmas pictures

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

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By brownieswillneverbethesame - 4/9/2011 06:18 - United States

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 19:27 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2017 10:04 - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

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By Ash - 27/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I saw this tourist almost get hit by a cab. After he walked away I complained to my boyfriend about how idiotic people like him just deserve to die. After 5 blocks of my ranting the tourist turns around and says "I'm right in front of you bitch." I hid behind my laughing boyfriend. FML

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By Brittany - 3/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2016 05:52 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

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By Wraith - 6/11/2013 17:27 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By PmS - 8/3/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML

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By Sexy Rash - 21/2/2014 23:26 - Australia - Wallgrove

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By snitchovich - 27/5/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By loveeyou. - 8/2/2010 08:00 - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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By anonymous - 16/8/2015 03:16 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

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By kidneystoner - 14/10/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I passed my kidney stone. After thirteen hours of pain free joy, another one appeared. FML

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By fock - 7/5/2012 02:03 - Canada - Almonte

Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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By Misunderstood Waitress - 6/11/2012 22:37 - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

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By 2k16 - 17/3/2016 02:48 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 22:01

With friends like her, who needs money?

Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML

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By JulleandCici - 31/1/2009 15:03 - France

Today, I had dinner on my own. My cat came and sat on the chair on the other side of the table. We stared at each other during the whole meal. Pathetic. FML

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By 8reth72 - 11/6/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I was helping a couple come up with a name for the baby they just had. I suggested "Joshua" thinking that it was an okay name. All sudden, the room got quiet. Turns out I had forgotten that Joshua was the name of their 3 year old son who had died a couple months before. FML

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By prettyinpurple - 10/2/2009 04:54 - United States

Today, I was in a car accident. After screaming at the woman for running into me, I got in my car and drove off. As I was driving away, I was staring her down when I ended up rear ending the person in front of me. FML

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By mybackhurts - 4/2/2018 15:00

Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

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By fuuuuck - 28/1/2010 00:27 - Canada

Today, I had a very important test. Last night, I'd had such bad leg pains that I couldn't sleep, so I took two very strong painkillers and went to sleep pain-free. I apparently accidentally overdosed, because when I woke up, I couldn't see properly or even stand up. And I missed my test. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 23:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after months of busting our asses and working round the clock on our latest project, I and the whole office just got bad news: when our boss promised extremely generous bonuses for doing all this, he was point-blank lying, and intended to take credit for our work all along. FML

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By jazthefish - 12/7/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

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By Amandajean32 - 5/8/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By EMTGirl'sLife - 10/2/2015 03:15 - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

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By anon - 19/6/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:18 - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By dangit - 1/3/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:25 - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

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By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By NeverNumberOne - 23/4/2018 01:30

Friendzone 2.0

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

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By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/7/2020 02:02

Hypocrisy

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

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By shotdown - 2/12/2015 20:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

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Top comments

By dreamingloser | 0

#272540 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:24

hahahaha this guy is laughing at you because he has bigger tits than you? ha that's funny. You should have laughed and said, "yeah chubby, you do", pat his stomach and say "when are you do?" unless he's not that fat..

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#272533 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:24

I personally LOVE small tits and so do alot of guys so dont feel bad about it

COMMENTS

By Curtieeeez | 0

#272510 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:21

Unlucky XD

Reply

OffTJHook3r | 2

#3019778 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 5:50

I'll be the judge of that O.o

Reply

OffTJHook3r | 2

#3019795 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 5:52

Today I won 1st and 3rd in a wet shirt contest.

By volleyballluver | 0

#272518 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:22

hahaha

By newbieattech | 0

#272519 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:22

THIRD!!!!!!! anyway, that really sucks. as a D cup i would gladly give you the extra!

By CassT | 0

#272523 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:22

FHL, not FYL.
YDI for thinking he was going to hit on you.

Reply

ffmmllyaya | 0

#975366 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:03

why? what else do u expect when an opposite sex checks you out n sit next to you in a bar?

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#1492973 - Sunday 3 October 2010 21:18

fhl. today I was in a bar and realized that I'm such a fat lard that I bigger moobs than most girls. fml

By gcendana | 0

#272526 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:23

FYL indeed. bahah
you should get fatter then!

Reply

SupKev | 0

#1822326 - Friday 10 December 2010 9:33

your stupid

Reply

LolAtYourFail | 12

#4201436 - Thursday 22 March 2012 20:43

*facepalm* the irony.

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#272533 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:24

I personally LOVE small tits and so do alot of guys so dont feel bad about it

Reply

dandancc | 13

#879876 - Sunday 21 February 2010 21:33

Yeah, listen to him. I love small tits too. He is just a fat kid trying to be funny to fit in, but in the end all his "friends" just think of how pathetic he is and don't really care for his friendship probably.

I bet he was just feeling bad because would never be able to kiss a girl like you.

Reply

Jazze_fml | 10

#2794442 - Friday 1 July 2011 1:17

oh yeah let's go with that asumption.
i mean who could possibly like a fat person. obviously his friends must secretly hate him since he's fat... you honestly sound like one of the biggest douches ever.

Reply

Ririshi | 0

#4513798 - Sunday 3 June 2012 0:34

Totally agreed. I like small tits, too. Not that I want to say you DO have small tits..

Reply

sulitak | 26

#5531189 - Wednesday 12 June 2013 11:09

yup, guys like girls on both ends of the spectrum.
dude was being an ass.

By dreamingloser | 0

#272540 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:24

hahahaha this guy is laughing at you because he has bigger tits than you? ha that's funny. You should have laughed and said, "yeah chubby, you do", pat his stomach and say "when are you do?" unless he's not that fat..

Reply

GiddyXD | 0

#974092 - Sunday 4 April 2010 23:09

WIN.

Reply

OffTJHook3r | 2

#3019804 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 5:54

fail

Reply

KMtheDrummer | 6

#5018590 - Monday 8 October 2012 18:30

*due

Reply

patriotsfan12 | 4

#5260934 - Wednesday 19 December 2012 6:20

I hate people who correct what r u an English teacher!!!!

By yahoo4u | 0

#272541 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:24

ewwww. fat men. with breasts. fyl for having to see that.

By JStromberg | 0

#272560 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:26

FHl.

By ithedarkknight | 0

#272565 - Saturday 6 June 2009 1:27

lmfao hahaha dang u got played by a fat guy!!! he certainly gets some cool points i know he hurted your feeling or u wouldnt be like FML LOL