Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail... - FML

By needanewride - 16/11/2012 02:40 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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Family values

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The end of the road

By water fail - 28/1/2016 11:42 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

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By Joshua Sheldon - 19/9/2015 01:56 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, while working alone, I decided to just try some random impressions, and so I ended up doing a French accent when a customer walked in. To avoid embarrassment, I had to continue faking the accent as he struck up a long conversation with me. FML

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By sadness1992 - 6/11/2012 18:07 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

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By NYCproblems - 24/6/2013 14:06 - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2020 02:00

Getting the point across

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

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By Limalia - 24/1/2011 21:00 - Switzerland

Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML

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By paytonallyce - 3/10/2016 02:32 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got a bug bite on my boob. I scratched it so much it started bleeding so I put a bandaid on it. Turns out the band-aid had latex in it and I got an allergic reaction to it. The bug bite is still bleeding and the top half of my boob is swollen. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I got a text message from my ex from about a year ago, asking if my 4-day-old son was his. I don't know what's sadder - the fact that he thinks a gestation period can last 11 months, or that he's more willing to step up to the plate than the baby's actual father. FML

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By Dead_Eye - 27/9/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By InNeedOfFriends - 12/4/2013 00:00 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

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By stupidlights - 7/5/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I left my lights on in my car. I realized it at lunch, made sure to turn the lights off and tried to start it. The battery was dead, and I called my dad to jump it before I got back from my game. I come back from my game and the lights were on. He left the lights on after the jump. FML

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By ChrisD2V - 1/12/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

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By nthor - 11/3/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2013 00:53 - United States - Wahiawa

Today, I went on a run with my crush. She expressed how happy she was to have a decent running partner, because the last one kept complaining he thought he might throw up. We got to the top of the hill and I puked right in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2017 14:00

Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2014 18:16 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

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By bundie - 28/12/2009 07:02 - France

Today, my cat didn't quite manage to eat the whole turkey because it was frozen. He just licked it all over. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2018 13:00

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

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By Jbug - 31/5/2018 13:30 - United States - Stillwater

She moves quickly!

Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

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By Z - 14/11/2012 00:43 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend snapped at me for being lazy and incompetent, and declared that if I was going to behave like a child, she would be treating me like one. This includes safety-proofing the house, talking to me like a 3-year-old and slapping me with a wooden spoon when I do something wrong. FML

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By anonymous - 21/11/2009 08:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

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By -_- - 5/7/2013 21:59 - United States - Munith

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2014 20:15 - United States

Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML

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By rocks_hurt - 16/8/2018 13:00

Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2019 02:00

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

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By Sexy Rash - 21/2/2014 23:26 - Australia - Wallgrove

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

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By musicgod123 - 29/12/2010 16:56 - France

Today, I bought a $3000 HD camera. It never shipped to my house, so I was concerned. I then realized I had given the seller the address for a house in California. I live in Maine. FML

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By hnickell93 - 10/12/2012 18:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

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By JB - 7/12/2011 14:29 - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 16:32 - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 03:25 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my sister shaved a chunk of my hair off while I was sleeping. I'm getting married in three days. FML

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By Savingforplasticsurgery - 14/4/2018 19:00

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

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By fmlsomuch - 25/2/2012 20:51 - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

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By kaheera4 - 4/4/2014 22:38 - United States

Today, my mom visited, and I left her for a few minutes while I used the bathroom. While I was stuck taking a crap, she went on one of her religious rants, telling my children that Easter was off this year because their precious "pagan" Easter Bunny had been murdered. FML

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By FUCKFACECUNT - 2/8/2015 13:32 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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Top comments

By HighGTurn | 12

#5154240 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:58

You didn't bother to say anything?

By Anti666 | 17

#5154231 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:57

That's pretty gross man.

COMMENTS

By Anti666 | 17

#5154231 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:57

That's pretty gross man.

Reply

StalkerChick | 13

#5154295 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:03

This is one of the few times I condone punching someone in the sack.

Reply

breathemein | 10

#5154858 - Friday 16 November 2012 14:37

Oh no I live in MA too, hopefully I won't run into that guy on the train.. Hopefully it wasn't the green line.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#5154934 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:37

MA? I live in MA! I thought this stuff only happened in Japan! Shit OP, punch that fucker in the face!

Reply

BoCo_fml | 9

#5154945 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:42

77- It probably was the green line, it's gross like that.

OP- You should really stand up for yourself. Never let someone violate you like that.

By sajupt | 17

#5154236 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:58

Shud have squeezed/punched his crotch...

Reply

MormonPornstar | 7

#5154343 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#5154358 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:17

He means either would have been acceptable solutions.

Reply

Shadow_Phantom | 26

#5154419 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:41

If you do it hard enough, you'll get the same effect.

Reply

Mideoyeo | 12

#5154617 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:58

Sqeezing his crotch may have turned him on even more, should've just stood up and kneed him.

Reply

missamberrose | 17

#5154940 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:39

I agree that what the man did was unacceptable, but he could have had dementia or some other mental illness. OP should have asserted herself and made it clear that his behavior was inappropriate. For goodness sake she doesn't have to beat the man up.

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#5155014 - Friday 16 November 2012 16:04

I'm from Detroit. His ass would off got killed. Just sayin

Reply

goose12321 | 11

#5155810 - Friday 16 November 2012 20:04

.

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#5156102 - Friday 16 November 2012 21:46

Ooh. You're from Detroit! You must be tough. Lol.

By HighGTurn | 12

#5154240 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:58

You didn't bother to say anything?

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5154405 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:37

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5154497 - Friday 16 November 2012 10:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By glki | 7

#5154265 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:00

Move seats maybe?

Reply

Charmillionaire | 10

#5154352 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:16

Key word: crowded.

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5154494 - Friday 16 November 2012 10:20

OP also said she was holding the rail, which would suggest that she was standing and probably couldn't get away from the guy. I've been in similar situations -_-

By SirFawkes | 16

#5154284 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:01

A new mode of transportation is in order! Just hope the old man doesn't follow you.

Reply

OhAidan | 7

#5154568 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:39

If he does happen to follow OP, good thing he's old.

Reply

SirFawkes | 16

#5155781 - Friday 16 November 2012 19:53

He's clingy man, he's clingy

By btstig | 11

#5154285 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:01

You should have hit the old bastard in the nose with some rolled up newspaper.

By TrueTriage | 16

#5154287 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:02

I'm so happy I dont have to worry about crowded trains or busses in my town.

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#5154363 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:20

Wow, how impressive. You must live in a fuckin' Utopia.

Reply

vannahlol | 6

#5155879 - Friday 16 November 2012 20:26

I have no idea why you're getting thumbed down into oblivion for that comment.. I live in a decently small town and I'm glad I don't have to deal with that stuff either.

Reply

datoismyname | 22

#5156087 - Friday 16 November 2012 21:41

8 you live in Alaska bro. I don't think there are trains or busses.

By HighGTurn | 12

#5154289 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By IOmnomHard | 10

#5154299 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:04

I feel like old pervy men are in abundance...Just because they're old, though, doesn't mean a kick to the nuts is off limits. (Though in old age, you might have to aim a little lower..)

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5154572 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:39

EXACTLY! Being old is no excuse for such behavior! I don't care how old someone is, if they're molesting me, I'm kicking some ass. They guy was probably deranged, but even so, you don't just let deranged people violate you.

By CeeCee_fml | 16

#5154305 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:04

And you actually stood there and let him lick you until the next stop? Should have said something the moment his crotch was rubbed against your hand.

Reply

itsgen | 16

#5154389 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:32

My thoughts exactly! Op is an idiot!! Anyone i know would have defended themselves