Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail... - FML

By needanewride - 16/11/2012 02:40 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML

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Everyone's an expert

Caught red-handed

Nice neighborhood

By nerdygirl101 - 13/3/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2014 18:24 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

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By Disgusted - 4/2/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my house's fly infestation is worse than I thought. I now have maggots crawling and dropping from my ceiling. I have to sleep under them. FML

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By Sarah - 25/8/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

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By weirdedout - 24/5/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2013 19:38 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

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By workwork - 5/8/2019 14:00

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

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By annoyed teen - 13/4/2014 03:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I had to work at the restaurant instead of going to the prom, which nobody asked me out to. For five hours, I got to shamefully greet and seat people on their way home from the prom, all of whom knew I was too lame to get asked out. FML

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By socksoffire - 17/3/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

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By arsenic660 - 30/7/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

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By NoColor - 29/10/2014 13:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

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By lisa321 - 2/4/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, I went to Starbucks to get coffee. The employees told me that there was no more coffee. I started cursing at them and told them that I am in a really big hurry, and that I need coffee every day. They had been yelling back the whole time. Little did I realize, they were saying April Fool's. FML

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By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By Henry - 13/10/2019 13:00

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By poopboy - 16/1/2017 10:49

Today, I sat next to this really hot guy in my writing class. We struck up a conversation, and it was going well, until he began describing, in excruciating detail, his IBS and fiber problems, and how he always has to poop. Good to know. FML

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By queenariii - 28/6/2016 05:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By Colby - 15/11/2013 16:59 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

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By CoalRose - 11/9/2016 20:33 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2016 20:13 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

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By saltynutz20 - 7/4/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

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By IMSERIOUS - 22/1/2014 19:23 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

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By SlappyMcGee - 8/1/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By CheeseyPotatoes - 11/4/2011 13:16 - United States

Today, I wore a fake wedding ring on my left hand when buying a pregnancy test so the cashier at Walmart wouldn't think I'm a slut. FML

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By Jimii Liu - 11/3/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

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By thedogkisser - 6/6/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML

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By toothpastecat - 13/5/2011 15:41 - Canada

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

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By yournick - 31/1/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By thwack - 24/5/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, my mother had 'the talk' with me about sex. I spent the entire time confused as to what brought this up, until she mentioned she had found a used condom in the backseat of the car. I haven't had any action in it, and have no idea whose it was. FML

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By dadisgoatboy - 11/6/2011 06:37 - Switzerland

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

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By Honey Badger - 8/3/2012 05:47 - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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By 123roomielover - 26/1/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2014 02:42 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my vagina. He replied, "What's that?" FML

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By crushed dreams - 16/6/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

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By trev - 30/5/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML

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By - 9/1/2020 20:00

Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By rydawg79 - 30/8/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

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By unluckiestperson - 29/8/2010 15:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 31/8/2018 20:30

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By Iman - 4/5/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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Top comments

By HighGTurn | 12

#5154240 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:58

You didn't bother to say anything?

By Anti666 | 17

#5154231 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:57

That's pretty gross man.

Comments

By Anti666 | 17

#5154231 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:57

That's pretty gross man.

Reply

StalkerChick | 13

#5154295 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:03

This is one of the few times I condone punching someone in the sack.

Reply

breathemein | 10

#5154858 - Friday 16 November 2012 14:37

Oh no I live in MA too, hopefully I won't run into that guy on the train.. Hopefully it wasn't the green line.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#5154934 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:37

MA? I live in MA! I thought this stuff only happened in Japan! Shit OP, punch that fucker in the face!

Reply

BoCo_fml | 9

#5154945 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:42

77- It probably was the green line, it's gross like that.

OP- You should really stand up for yourself. Never let someone violate you like that.

By sajupt | 17

#5154236 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:58

Shud have squeezed/punched his crotch...

Reply

MormonPornstar | 7

#5154343 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

wallandpiece | 16

#5154358 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:17

He means either would have been acceptable solutions.

Reply

Shadow_Phantom | 26

#5154419 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:41

If you do it hard enough, you'll get the same effect.

Reply

Mideoyeo | 12

#5154617 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:58

Sqeezing his crotch may have turned him on even more, should've just stood up and kneed him.

Reply

missamberrose | 17

#5154940 - Friday 16 November 2012 15:39

I agree that what the man did was unacceptable, but he could have had dementia or some other mental illness. OP should have asserted herself and made it clear that his behavior was inappropriate. For goodness sake she doesn't have to beat the man up.

Reply

NuTrees | 9

#5155014 - Friday 16 November 2012 16:04

I'm from Detroit. His ass would off got killed. Just sayin

Reply

goose12321 | 11

#5155810 - Friday 16 November 2012 20:04

.

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#5156102 - Friday 16 November 2012 21:46

Ooh. You're from Detroit! You must be tough. Lol.

By HighGTurn | 12

#5154240 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:58

You didn't bother to say anything?

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5154405 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:37

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sens3sfailing | 24

#5154497 - Friday 16 November 2012 10:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By glki | 7

#5154265 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:00

Move seats maybe?

Reply

Charmillionaire | 9

#5154352 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:16

Key word: crowded.

Reply

spaboolly | 26

#5154494 - Friday 16 November 2012 10:20

OP also said she was holding the rail, which would suggest that she was standing and probably couldn't get away from the guy. I've been in similar situations -_-

By SirFawkes | 16

#5154284 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:01

A new mode of transportation is in order! Just hope the old man doesn't follow you.

Reply

OhAidan | 7

#5154568 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:39

If he does happen to follow OP, good thing he's old.

Reply

SirFawkes | 16

#5155781 - Friday 16 November 2012 19:53

He's clingy man, he's clingy

By btstig | 11

#5154285 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:01

You should have hit the old bastard in the nose with some rolled up newspaper.

By TrueTriage | 16

#5154287 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:02

I'm so happy I dont have to worry about crowded trains or busses in my town.

Reply

Dixbfloppin | 11

#5154363 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:20

Wow, how impressive. You must live in a fuckin' Utopia.

Reply

vannahlol | 6

#5155879 - Friday 16 November 2012 20:26

I have no idea why you're getting thumbed down into oblivion for that comment.. I live in a decently small town and I'm glad I don't have to deal with that stuff either.

Reply

datoismyname | 22

#5156087 - Friday 16 November 2012 21:41

8 you live in Alaska bro. I don't think there are trains or busses.

By HighGTurn | 12

#5154289 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By IOmnomHard | 10

#5154299 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:04

I feel like old pervy men are in abundance...Just because they're old, though, doesn't mean a kick to the nuts is off limits. (Though in old age, you might have to aim a little lower..)

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5154572 - Friday 16 November 2012 11:39

EXACTLY! Being old is no excuse for such behavior! I don't care how old someone is, if they're molesting me, I'm kicking some ass. They guy was probably deranged, but even so, you don't just let deranged people violate you.

By CeeCee_fml | 16

#5154305 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:04

And you actually stood there and let him lick you until the next stop? Should have said something the moment his crotch was rubbed against your hand.

Reply

itsgen | 15

#5154389 - Friday 16 November 2012 9:32

My thoughts exactly! Op is an idiot!! Anyone i know would have defended themselves