Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of...

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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Miscellaneous

Vultures

Don't give up

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 9/3/2013 01:11 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17-years old, and was deadly serious. FML

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By Loser - 4/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By footscratching - 28/1/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

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By Stumble - 17/1/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

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By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By Sh*t - 2/7/2012 21:17 - Venezuela - Caracas

Today, I was in the shower, when I heard my daughter scream and shout, "Mommy, mommy! Help! Come quick!" I panicked and rushed downstairs without even looking for a towel to cover myself, all so I could find out she'd just gotten a piece of dirt on her shoe. FML

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By Chansus10 - 20/10/2014 15:03 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By seriously wtf - 8/3/2013 03:18 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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By pist off - 5/3/2018 19:00

Classy.

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

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By Sad bitch - 18/6/2018 19:00

Today, I realized why my lavender products were no longer helping me calm down. I use lavender so much when I'm anxious that I've associated the smell with anxiety. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 10:49 - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

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By fatty - 14/8/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By doh - 10/1/2009 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off. I snoozed it, and went on to dream that I got out of bed, did my business, brushed my teeth, took my breakfast, changed into my working attire, and was ready for work that morning. My alarm rang a second time, I had to do all that over again. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 19:56 - Canada

Today, I was at the park with a friend when I said "Gotta go, sorry. I've got court in an hour." The lady on the bench next to us then loudly complained how disgusting I was for being a criminal and threw her bird seed at me, dirtying my suit. I'm a lawyer with a case in an hour, not a criminal. FML

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By trigfail - 25/9/2010 08:57 - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

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By workhoe - 20/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

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By NC - 11/2/2010 07:32 - Malaysia

Today, I spilled some milk on my laptop. I was pretty sure it would be fine as it was only a bit of milk. While cleaning the residue, I knocked a whole bucket of water into the insides of the laptop. RIP Macbook. FML

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By cman - 26/2/2010 11:17 - Romania

Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML

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By Tea_baggins - 6/8/2013 04:01 - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I woke up at 6am and went into the kitchen, where I saw a mouse in front of the fridge. Petrified, I stood in the doorway shooing it for a few minutes. My husband then walked into the kitchen, picked up the "mouse", and threw it in the bin. It was a used tea bag. FML

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By hexphoenix - 7/4/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

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By shadowfigure - 23/1/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

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By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By Anon - 13/6/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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By doilookold - 7/12/2018 05:00

Today, stopping at a rest plaza, the cashier at Wendy’s asked my best friend if I was her mom. We are only two years apart. FML

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By Karen - 31/8/2009 14:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

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By ihatethisjob - 27/9/2013 08:18 - United States - Romulus

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

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By handyjon - 1/3/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 14:29 - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2014 09:46 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my tits. He ignored it and instead sent a picture of his dog "looking blazed". FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/2/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By purpleivy - 6/9/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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By dreamdude - 20/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

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By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By Dingbat - 13/6/2013 23:59 - United States - Quarryville

Today, I started playing softball again in a league after not playing for about 5 years. My very first time at the bat I whacked a foul ball into the parking lot and hit my own car. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, my cat ran outside. As I ran around the side of my house to get her, I felt a gigantic spiderweb land on my face. I also felt a light thud on my eye and it started to tear up. I ran inside and looked in a mirror, the spider was in my eye. FML

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By Classicmen - 19/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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Top comments

By ScaryyMary | 14

#621452 - Thursday 15 October 2009 3:17

You're doing it wrong.

You're supposed to HIT on girls, not KICK on them.

Sheesh.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#621280 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:17

swing set? Was mommy standing 3 feet away cheering you on, too?

Comments

By jimgrant1 | 0

#621241 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:08

doof..

By musicninja | 0

#621243 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:09

Oooh. That sucks! But it'll be okay. Maybe she'll be nice enough to realize it was an accident. Good luck!

By Apachefire21 | 0

#621244 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:10

broo... your so dumb haha. so excited you kicked her in face? really? come on now.

DameGreyWulf | 0

#621559 - Thursday 15 October 2009 4:21

He kicked her with his third leg.

cerebellum_fml | 0

#621610 - Thursday 15 October 2009 5:03

. . . was she knocked out?

By redbluegreen | 40

#621245 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:10

Swinging into action, eh?

rawr_ima_bear | 0

#621461 - Thursday 15 October 2009 3:23

ur on fml too much arent u? ive seen u post comments on like every fml ive read

allmidnighteyes | 10

#621465 - Thursday 15 October 2009 3:25

Rachel has a stalkerr

redbluegreen | 40

#621483 - Thursday 15 October 2009 3:42

You're on quite a bit if you notice me that much. (;

FarSide | 22

#621507 - Thursday 15 October 2009 4:00

@29...

perhaps they are... but YOU are the one with the royally fucked up life.

redbluegreen | 40

#621516 - Thursday 15 October 2009 4:05

Care to explain?

FarSide | 22

#623149 - Friday 16 October 2009 19:05

@34...

I misunderstood who was being referenced by the comment. My response was intended towards OP, but it references you directly. My sincere apology, and thanks for that deserved open-palm face slap.

By YDIBITCHES | 0

#621266 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:14

6th

YDI_Whore | 0

#621400 - Thursday 15 October 2009 2:13

You may be a bitch, but Im a whore! YDI X 100!!!

By Lkdude77 | 0

#621273 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:16

Y does it always happen before something good is about to happen?

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#621280 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:17

swing set? Was mommy standing 3 feet away cheering you on, too?

NGM_47 | 0

#621316 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:25

she was the one pushing him :)

redbluegreen | 40

#621317 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:25

Totally.

And there you are Twinny! I've missed your sarcastic butt.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#621328 - Thursday 15 October 2009 1:31

There I am? Have I been lost or something? Am I wandering through limbo?

If you're wondering where I've been today, I have to illustrate 24 pages of a story in Photoshop before the 19th for my English class =/