By blahblahblah - 15/4/2020 20:00

Heart of Glass

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

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Messed up

Workaholic

Spooky

By Anonymous - 9/8/2012 14:26 - United States

Today, my dog farted so loud in his sleep that he scared himself and woke up barking. This afternoon I achieved the same feat. FML

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By Goody2shoes - 21/7/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By rioght onnn - 20/5/2011 19:38 - Canada

Today, while working at a restaurant, an elderly lady stuck my tip in my back pocket as I was walking away. I wish I knew this before I'd thrown her to the floor for touching my hiney. FML

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By oldandmarriedapparently - 2/3/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

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By stupiddog - 15/4/2014 12:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

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By UsedForSurgery - 28/10/2017 01:30

Today, after having surgery, I called my family to tell them I was out, safe, and on my way home. The first thing they asked was if they could "borrow" some of my pain meds. FML

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By anon - 1/6/2018 01:30

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2011 05:22 - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML

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By Adopted - 14/6/2016 21:22

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2017 16:38

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

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By hellangelrose - 26/8/2014 07:48 - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

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By trickortreat - 1/11/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML

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By Xx_DEXIJOKER_xX - 12/11/2014 03:16 - United States - Spotswood

Today, my father picked me up from the police academy I'm attending, and got caught speeding. The officer was my drill instructor, and I had to do push-ups on the side of the highway. FML

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By regret - 30/12/2020 01:00 - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 00:01

Freak out!

Today, I woke up with a high fever. My two year-old decided today was the day she would have one of the largest tantrums she’s ever had and threw yogurt all over the newly-refinished floor, my fiancé, myself and our cat Sebastian. Sebastian was not impressed. FML

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By happybride - 13/4/2018 01:30

Today, my wedding limo driver got high and forgot to pick us up, so the photographers gave us a ride back to the venue from the photo shoot. Three bridesmaids, a flower girl, and I, in my full wedding dress, had to fit in the back of the 1997 Toyota Camry. FML

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By LDL - 26/1/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By maisie - 22/11/2018 22:00

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

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By Donny - 4/8/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, severely tired and pulling an all-nighter, I was editing documents at work. Eventually the words blurred together and "which" began to look funny, so I corrected them. I realized too late that I'd turned in the company's brochure with every "which" spelt as "witch". FML

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By drfeelgood93 - 4/8/2010 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the cinema with a girl I like. Knowing she has a bit of a soft spot for me, I was keen to sit in the back row. Too bad her sister tagged along, insisted that we sit somewhere else, and scolded me every time I so much looked at her. I ended up paying for the unwanted guest as well. FML

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By Congrats to me - 24/5/2014 23:57 - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By wow - 12/12/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, I summoned up the courage to tell my crush how I've felt about her for the past two years. I really poured out my heart and soul, and she nodded and smiled throughout. Once I'd finished, she told me that she believes "sex is unnatural", and that she could never date a guy who wanted it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 04:48 - United States - Watertown

Today, I felt bad about rarely complimenting my mom about her cooking, so during dinner, I raved about her incredible, creamy, macaroni and cheese. It came from a box. FML

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By Dying Whale - 2/3/2017 04:00

Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML

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By adamclmns - 16/7/2011 22:52 - United States

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

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By anonymous - 22/3/2012 04:46 - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

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By Tooloud - 24/3/2013 23:21 - Canada

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

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By unlucky dudebag - 29/1/2011 07:29 - United States

Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw and wearing hockey masks. FML

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By MrDanito - 28/4/2016 06:21 - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2013 16:50 - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML

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By Tired - 13/7/2009 13:25 - Philippines

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

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By eaa145 - 3/3/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I had a soccer game. A player from the other team hit me in the face. In the next half, she was the goalie and I was determined to score on her. When I finally got my chance to, everyone cheered, until I kicked the ball into the goal post and it bounced back and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

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By Idigrespectfulattire - 18/3/2015 00:18 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML

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By Sickinbed - 7/6/2011 10:27 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By Bambi113 - 9/6/2016 19:07 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

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By Cuntface McGee - 21/2/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

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By suspended - 9/8/2014 00:16 - Australia

Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7898036 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 22:24

Of course! He's going to need to have sustenance to get with your mom to start making your replacement.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7898010 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:44

Well, you ARE his only daughter ... at the moment....

COMMENTS

By Susan Yee | 9

#7898003 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:09

Well, did you die? Or bleeding? So, no big deal.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7898010 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 20:44

Well, you ARE his only daughter ... at the moment....

By RichardPencil | 28

#7898036 - Wednesday 15 April 2020 22:24

Of course! He's going to need to have sustenance to get with your mom to start making your replacement.

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7898060 - Thursday 16 April 2020 0:54

Now you know...don't sit near the stove while someone's cooking. It's not safe.

By crsyldy | 19

#7898746 - Saturday 18 April 2020 18:10

If you’re old enough to be writing this, you’re old enough to know sitting on a stool by the stove when someone is cooking isn’t safe.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7898783 - Saturday 18 April 2020 20:07

Yeah, probably shouldn't have been sitting next to the stove while someone else was cooking. Or even if you were cooking, for that matter. I'm no cooking expert, but I didn't know you cooked stir-fry under a glass lid. Thought you used a wok, or at least left the pan uncovered.