Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the... - FML

By FlowerPower - 20/7/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

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Instadrama

All for nothing

Mr Sensitivity

By Oops - 26/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

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By jobless - 10/11/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By SuperShy - 6/9/2016 04:29 - United States - Massillon

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

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By BroadcitySF - 28/2/2016 03:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was mugged while changing my tampon. The mugger took everything, including the fresh tampon. FML

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By BoomHeadshot - 2/5/2012 02:27 - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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By Alejandroc - 20/1/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

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By lily_marleen - 24/10/2016 12:58 - United States

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

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By anonymous - 1/2/2020 20:00 - United States - Shawnee

Especially for dad

Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML

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By Guess I was wrong - 16/3/2020 06:23

Mistaken identity

Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML

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By I hate that game - 23/11/2013 16:11 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

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By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By atleasthelistened - 9/3/2016 08:04 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML

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By nobodywasthere - 12/9/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

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By jamisbetter - 11/4/2015 12:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

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By MLZ - 30/7/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2010 12:14 - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

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By too young for this - 12/4/2013 05:11 - United States

Today, my mom broke the news that my dad secretly got married two months ago, to a woman he has been dating for 15 years, and that my parents have actually been divorced for 12 years. They just lied about it this whole time. FML

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By Honestly - 9/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Measham

Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

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By doggybag - 24/9/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 03:59 - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

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By zoearcu - 17/4/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, my dad decided to wake me up by opening the shades and having the sun shine on my face. When he pulled them up, the metal holder on top broke off and fell on me. FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - 6/11/2015 22:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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By lonergirl - 18/2/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

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By Authentik8 - 16/9/2011 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that one of my university flatmates arrived early for Freshers Week, and had a party which involved the place being trashed. I'm going to lose some of my deposit for damage caused before I even arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 06:05 - United States

Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

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By just the tip, though - 28/1/2014 17:06 - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2016 19:26 - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 18:30 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

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By poolgirl789 - 3/9/2013 06:30 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Hands-on

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

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By kazmatazz - 17/5/2012 10:33 - Oman

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

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By notkatvond - 19/6/2013 18:46 - United States

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

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By crowded - 20/5/2020 23:00

Crowded House

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to his parents' house for the weekend. He didn’t tell me until after we’d arrived that all his siblings and their SO's would also be coming. His parents live in a 2 bedroom, one bath house. So far there are 16 people here and he’s refusing to drive me back home. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 15:49 - Canada

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

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By california - 14/3/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and noticed a man in ripped clothes with a cup out asking for money. I was on my way to the movies but I felt like this man needed it more that me. Right as I gave it to him, he pulled out his blackberry. FML

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By tehhotness - 27/3/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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By Quendolin - 9/11/2015 14:07 - Germany

Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML

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By Fartnonymous - 18/8/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

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Top comments

By Ichigoner | 0

#414807 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:53

Imagine the bugs.

Today i was crawling peacefully on a flower until some idiot sucked me up his nose. FML

By so_me_fml | 0

#414939 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:39

...Maybe just gently inhale the scent instead of sucking it up to your brain?

COMMENTS

By Compwiz1993 | 0

#414780 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:49

You must have a powerful nose!

Reply

iKaite | 0

#414851 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:04

'She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a mans tonsils!'

By KryptoniteKiss | 0

#414781 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:49

Oh, yuck.

By bayybee | 0

#414782 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:49

disgusting. ew.

By lich_fml | 0

#414784 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:49

oh, yuck D:

Reply

EllieMolloy | 2

#414918 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:30

I second that D:

By Ichigoner | 0

#414807 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:53

Imagine the bugs.

Today i was crawling peacefully on a flower until some idiot sucked me up his nose. FML

Reply

Ichigoner | 0

#414811 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:55

*her

Reply

divineinstrument | 2

#415950 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 13:26

No one cares if a bug's life is fucked. They're gross

Reply

mmmrabies | 0

#999070 - Thursday 20 May 2010 17:42

Lol, that was hilarious!

By plexico | 3

#414808 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:53

You coke whore!

When you smell a flower, you don't inhale as hard as when you are snorting blow.

By M13LO | 0

#414820 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 0:57

YDI for having a nose

Reply

chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#414885 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:17

haha make no sense...

Reply

CDub7888 | 0

#428912 - Sunday 26 July 2009 1:01

And hark, here we have the genuine example of the fabled "asshole".

A hermit of many sorts, one dare not come across the asshole because when one does, hostile urges begin to form.

Reply

HamsteronA | 0

#914996 - Thursday 4 March 2010 23:43

these "assholes" sound very scary. are they relatives of "trolls", "idiots", "grammer Nazis" and "twats"?

By dRose22 | 0

#414878 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:12

YDI for not checking before smelling

By Self_Induced | 0

#414920 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:30

Sexy.

By so_me_fml | 0

#414939 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 1:39

...Maybe just gently inhale the scent instead of sucking it up to your brain?

Reply

gorguz14evar | 0

#414991 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 2:15

rofl. So true !