Miscellaneous: Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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Understandable

Rock, hard place

Late term

By Mike - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

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By BrokeAsAJoke - United States

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Rin - United States

Today, I found some pictures of the boy I have a crush on online. Not only is he a crossdresser, but he's also a better looking woman than I am. FML

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By ikungfuyou - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Caldwell

Today, I realized how nice it was that, after moving into my ground-floor apartment, I no longer have to worry about being too loud walking on the floor at night. Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbors do not have any qualms about shouting or stomping their feet loudly at night, either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

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By wimp - United States

Today, while I was in the doctors they told me that me and my son needed a shot, I went first to show my son that it wouldnt hurt and shots were not something to be afraid of. When they gave me my shot I started crying. My four year old son handles pain better than his 29 year old mom. FML

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By jumpy - United States

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

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By Mikimiks93 - South Africa

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By SouthPaw - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

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By fartwoman - United States

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

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By Chucho - United States - Boston

Today, my mom told me that she rather wait for the city bus all day, than allow me to give her a ride. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 02:02

Bass, how low can you go?

Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML

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By Jason199615 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I was looking through my Internet browsing history. Apparently my wife had searched "How to have an affair without getting caught". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By Lizofsmeg - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

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By Highschoolsucks - 18/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Unexpected item

Today, I was hit in the head with a football during class. Spanish class. FML

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By JimmySmoothBeans - Australia

Today, I had my 21st birthday party. My friends told me to have the party even though it had been 5 months since my actual 21st birthday. They asked me why I didn't have one originally and I jokingly told them it was because I didn't think anyone would come. Turned out nobody came after all. FML

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By fartypeepee - Australia

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

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By popemichael - United States

Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it's a site about ugly tattoos. FML

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By Snickers - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

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By Sleepless Dreams - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates told me about all the stupid and embarrassing things I did last night, none of which I remember. Drunk out of my mind? No, I just tried a new sleeping pill after weeks of insomnia. I still barely slept. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

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By morningeyes - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

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By saqmuel093 - Malaysia - Tatau

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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By womboman - United States

Today, it started pouring while I was in the middle of a pizza delivery. I had to stand out in the rain for ten minutes while an old redneck dude wearing nothing but camo boxers fumbled around for the exact change to pay the bill. I think seeing his junk was supposed to count as my tip. FML

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By Permafucked - United States

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my boyfriend's daughter asked me what would happen if she chose to stop urinating for two weeks. She wanted to know whether it would kill her or just start coming out of her mouth. She's 17-years old, and was deadly serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML

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By andibartle - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Littleton

Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML

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By Nothanks

Today, at the healthy age of 26, I broke my hip during sex. FML

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By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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By shoveless - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 29

#1920961 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:32

If you don't like not having a life, start making one. It's not like people get one on Christmas day or something, you have to actually do something for it.

By The_Dude_Abides_ | 0

#1920951 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

go bowling dude it's a great place to make friends man!!

COMMENTS

By BlahLand | 0

#1920944 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:28

then start goin out more with friends ? ahaha mom's a WIN lol

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1921028 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:52

I think you need a big cup of HTFU

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1921524 - Sunday 2 January 2011 18:46

Your fml contains the key to your cure.

By fml2943288398298 | 0

#1920946 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:29

Maybe instead of crying go hang out with your friends..

Reply

hater118 | 0

#1921607 - Sunday 2 January 2011 19:33

ikr lol

By The_Dude_Abides_ | 0

#1920951 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

go bowling dude it's a great place to make friends man!!

By rottentomatoes | 7

#1920955 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

your mom obviously has a better social life than you do.
Go have some fun with your friends, or get some friends!

By tribridags | 0

#1920957 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:31

I love juicy bawls in mah mouf

Reply

gozar_fml | 1

#1922884 - Monday 3 January 2011 9:38

You love juicy bowels?

By Doortje | 29

#1920961 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:32

If you don't like not having a life, start making one. It's not like people get one on Christmas day or something, you have to actually do something for it.

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4345408 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:22

BEST CUPCAKE EVER

By MzKylz | 0

#1920971 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:34

epic win on your mothers half lol

By DocBastard | 38

#1920979 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:36

I assume that your resolutions are as follows:

1) Stop being a fucking pussy
2) Make at least one friend
3) Get out of the house
4) Stop being a FUCKING PUSSY

Reply

Vehicle | 1

#1921054 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:03

Just don't accept their candy!!!!!!!!

Reply

Sanostol2 | 0

#1921070 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:10

yeah, that guy who's driving the free candy van isnt your friend!

Reply

tmmundy | 17

#1921388 - Sunday 2 January 2011 16:47

lmao....those vans are everywhere!!! you would think the police would catch on to their scam and shut them down.

Reply

Ran3 | 0

#1922583 - Monday 3 January 2011 7:40

don't listen to them! the guys in the van have the BEST candy!

Reply

talb1 | 7

#1923200 - Monday 3 January 2011 11:19

Ran, knows what he is talking about.

By macskapingvin | 0

#1920994 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:39

First rule of making friends: talk to strangers.

Reply

Doortje | 29

#1921019 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:48

Nooo, you shouldn't talk to strangers, that's dangerous! Geez, didn't your parents teach you ANYTHING?!

Reply

Doortje | 29

#1921034 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:53

*you. Ugh.

Reply

rbell2915 | 0

#1922129 - Monday 3 January 2011 1:20

*facepalm*
How else do you expect to make friends?
Last time I checked you couldn't buy them...

Reply

macskapingvin | 0

#1923674 - Monday 3 January 2011 14:18

Of course you can - the slave trade is still alive and well!

By Battledog5006 | 0

#1921024 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:51

get some friends you fat pussy, try chatroulette

Reply

maybaybe | 0

#1921104 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:26

No, not chatroulette. That will scar her for life.

Reply

Shaggy_92 | 5

#1921208 - Sunday 2 January 2011 14:45

kick ass shirt bro!

Reply

MnBran6 | 0

#1921473 - Sunday 2 January 2011 18:08

Your shirt should say "no chicks at all", we all know you gobble balls ya douchy taco.

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#1922486 - Monday 3 January 2011 6:23

Yeah you could do that, if you want penises for friends...