Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I... - FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Trip Advisor says no

Boom, headshot

By oouchh - 24/7/2011 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML

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By fish killer - 8/2/2013 03:58 - Canada

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

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By who_could_it_be - 6/8/2009 13:35 - Canada

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

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By Megan - 26/3/2013 19:04 - United States

Today, after my boyfriend promised he wasn't cheating on me, I ran into him at our favorite coffee shop with the girl I suspected him of cheating with. When I confronted them, he acted like he didn't know me. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2014 16:36 - Germany - Ammerndorf

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 20:19 - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

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By FlabbyPants - 6/1/2015 02:51 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 19:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after having a shower, I walked back into my room butt naked. As I looked up I saw the window cleaner staring right at me. I looked. He looked. And without thinking I dropped straight to the floor to hid myself, then realized my naked butt was still staring right at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2019 05:00

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

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By DumpedHisAss - 14/10/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

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By Username - 9/5/2011 07:38

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

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By sarahmoon - 5/5/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

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By Daughter of a Dork - 14/9/2018 17:30 - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

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By great - 25/1/2013 20:36 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

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By looser - 10/8/2016 00:48

Today, I pronounced FAQ as 'fuck' to my boss. I'm not a native speaker. FML

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By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

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By namhtor - 28/9/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

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By adamclmns - 16/7/2011 22:52 - United States

Today, after a stressful week, I spent my last few dollars on some comfort food. Later, my roommate's girlfriend came over and helped herself to my juice, drinking it straight from the bottle. I'm such a germaphobe, I can't bring myself to even take a sip. It's a full bottle. FML

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By "breejanai" - 11/4/2017 04:00

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chicken pox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

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By markyvilla - 15/4/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By Droolgirl - 26/5/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

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By snow - 22/9/2009 09:12 - Australia

Today, I found my biological father, who I have never met, on facebook and decided to message him. He blocked me. FML

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By loon - 28/10/2008 11:13 - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 17:01

Abuse

Today, I was taking Zoom classes. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, which means I could hear my mom and dad fighting. I didn't notice that my mic wasn't muted. Everyone in my class now thinks that CPS needs to be called to my house. FML

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By candymansvan17 - 17/8/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

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By Snowtoe - 14/1/2017 14:00

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2011 05:58 - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

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By partycats - 23/7/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Lepisma - 27/11/2016 07:22 - United States - College Station

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

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By FathersDay - 22/6/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By anonymous - 5/4/2012 21:53 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

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By dukemisery - 12/12/2016 09:33 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after being trapped in an elevator for 4 hours, I really had to pee. Just when I decided to pee in the elevator shaft, the lift doors opened. FML

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By Just an Exam - 14/12/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By Bisounours - 22/7/2011 11:23 - France

Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 23:38

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

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By help me - 16/3/2016 01:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

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By Chloe - 20/12/2010 18:08 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By jab43 - 23/7/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 28

#1920961 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:32

If you don't like not having a life, start making one. It's not like people get one on Christmas day or something, you have to actually do something for it.

By The_Dude_Abides_ | 0

#1920951 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

go bowling dude it's a great place to make friends man!!

COMMENTS

By BlahLand | 0

#1920944 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:28

then start goin out more with friends ? ahaha mom's a WIN lol

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1921028 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:52

I think you need a big cup of HTFU

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1921524 - Sunday 2 January 2011 18:46

Your fml contains the key to your cure.

By fml2943288398298 | 0

#1920946 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:29

Maybe instead of crying go hang out with your friends..

Reply

hater118 | 0

#1921607 - Sunday 2 January 2011 19:33

ikr lol

By The_Dude_Abides_ | 0

#1920951 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

go bowling dude it's a great place to make friends man!!

By rottentomatoes | 7

#1920955 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

your mom obviously has a better social life than you do.
Go have some fun with your friends, or get some friends!

By tribridags | 0

#1920957 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:31

I love juicy bawls in mah mouf

Reply

gozar_fml | 1

#1922884 - Monday 3 January 2011 9:38

You love juicy bowels?

By Doortje | 28

#1920961 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:32

If you don't like not having a life, start making one. It's not like people get one on Christmas day or something, you have to actually do something for it.

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4345408 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:22

BEST CUPCAKE EVER

By MzKylz | 0

#1920971 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:34

epic win on your mothers half lol

By DocBastard | 38

#1920979 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:36

I assume that your resolutions are as follows:

1) Stop being a fucking pussy
2) Make at least one friend
3) Get out of the house
4) Stop being a FUCKING PUSSY

Reply

Vehicle | 1

#1921054 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:03

Just don't accept their candy!!!!!!!!

Reply

Sanostol2 | 0

#1921070 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:10

yeah, that guy who's driving the free candy van isnt your friend!

Reply

tmmundy | 17

#1921388 - Sunday 2 January 2011 16:47

lmao....those vans are everywhere!!! you would think the police would catch on to their scam and shut them down.

Reply

Ran3 | 0

#1922583 - Monday 3 January 2011 7:40

don't listen to them! the guys in the van have the BEST candy!

Reply

talb1 | 7

#1923200 - Monday 3 January 2011 11:19

Ran, knows what he is talking about.

By macskapingvin | 0

#1920994 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:39

First rule of making friends: talk to strangers.

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1921019 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:48

Nooo, you shouldn't talk to strangers, that's dangerous! Geez, didn't your parents teach you ANYTHING?!

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1921034 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:53

*you. Ugh.

Reply

rbell2915 | 0

#1922129 - Monday 3 January 2011 1:20

*facepalm*
How else do you expect to make friends?
Last time I checked you couldn't buy them...

Reply

macskapingvin | 0

#1923674 - Monday 3 January 2011 14:18

Of course you can - the slave trade is still alive and well!

By Battledog5006 | 0

#1921024 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:51

get some friends you fat pussy, try chatroulette

Reply

maybaybe | 0

#1921104 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:26

No, not chatroulette. That will scar her for life.

Reply

Shaggy_92 | 5

#1921208 - Sunday 2 January 2011 14:45

kick ass shirt bro!

Reply

MnBran6 | 0

#1921473 - Sunday 2 January 2011 18:08

Your shirt should say "no chicks at all", we all know you gobble balls ya douchy taco.

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#1922486 - Monday 3 January 2011 6:23

Yeah you could do that, if you want penises for friends...