Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I... - FML

By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Assumptions

Don't give up

By vsf - 2/8/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 22:13 - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Unknown - 15/12/2016 22:49 - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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By StuckInCollegeLimbo - 30/8/2017 19:30 - United States - Riverside

Today, after going through months of registration and orientation to transfer to a university, I was told that my application was denied because I didn't meet the minimum credit requirement. You couldn't tell me this before? FML

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By unlucky - 11/12/2014 13:26 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 23:05 - United States

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

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By NiquetChrome - 14/4/2013 23:18 - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

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By shameonme - 1/4/2016 19:46 - United States - Nampa

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 12:49

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

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By Matt - 30/4/2019 02:00

Today, I got a call saying I was successful in my interview to be a pizza delivery driver. As I picked up my contract and got in my car, I reversed sideways into a pole and ripped off my front bumper. The manager came out and helped jam the bumper in so I could make it home. FML

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By painful - 24/7/2011 08:55 - Norway

Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML

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By Farva - 24/1/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML

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By CityGirl - 17/7/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 21:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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By abbacjt - 16/1/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

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By no one - 2/6/2020 14:00

Crucial information

Today, I was at work at McDonald's, at the front counter when an elderly lady came up to me and whispered, "I just shit everywhere in your restroom," then turned around and walked out the door. FML

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By keiler - 6/8/2018 01:30

She'll be single for a looong time...

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was conceived during a conjugal visit. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 17:39 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I was at the local grocery store. I've had really bad gas lately, and I accidentally let one go while standing in line. The woman behind me thought it was her kid, and smacked him for farting in public. FML

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By Anonymoose - 25/12/2011 11:39 - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 18:59 - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

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By Tabby - 6/8/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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By rozziepop - 30/3/2012 05:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

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By booty backfire - 1/5/2014 17:31 - United States

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

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By Ghost - 14/12/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 10:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm so out of shape, I started wheezing on my way to check my mailbox. Not my physical mailbox, either; my email inbox on the phone I'd left on the table at the bottom of the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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By wtf - 10/1/2014 16:47 - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 03:17 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

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By Timetoloseweight - 11/11/2009 16:03 - France

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

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By BelleCharmante - 14/7/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

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By Sorry Not Sorry - 1/11/2016 14:01

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 19:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

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By tina - 17/8/2010 12:30 - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By anonymous - 20/3/2012 22:33 - Canada - Saint John's

Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML

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By Help Me - 18/1/2015 03:45 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I saw a little old lady trying to cross the street. I went over and tried to help her. Turned out she was actually just a really short young woman. As soon as I took her arm, she screamed in front of everyone and accused me of trying to molest her. FML

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By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - 24/1/2013 07:19 - United States

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

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By DDubs - 8/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I have fallen for the most amazing girl. She's good looking, has a great personality, she's funny and is a hit with all my friends but she doesn't seem to realise she has a body odor problem. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 28

#1920961 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:32

If you don't like not having a life, start making one. It's not like people get one on Christmas day or something, you have to actually do something for it.

By The_Dude_Abides_ | 0

#1920951 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

go bowling dude it's a great place to make friends man!!

Comments

By BlahLand | 0

#1920944 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:28

then start goin out more with friends ? ahaha mom's a WIN lol

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1921028 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:52

I think you need a big cup of HTFU

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1921524 - Sunday 2 January 2011 18:46

Your fml contains the key to your cure.

By fml2943288398298 | 0

#1920946 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:29

Maybe instead of crying go hang out with your friends..

Reply

hater118 | 0

#1921607 - Sunday 2 January 2011 19:33

ikr lol

By The_Dude_Abides_ | 0

#1920951 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

go bowling dude it's a great place to make friends man!!

By rottentomatoes | 7

#1920955 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:30

your mom obviously has a better social life than you do.
Go have some fun with your friends, or get some friends!

By tribridags | 0

#1920957 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:31

I love juicy bawls in mah mouf

Reply

gozar_fml | 1

#1922884 - Monday 3 January 2011 9:38

You love juicy bowels?

By Doortje | 28

#1920961 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:32

If you don't like not having a life, start making one. It's not like people get one on Christmas day or something, you have to actually do something for it.

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#4345408 - Monday 23 April 2012 22:22

BEST CUPCAKE EVER

By MzKylz | 0

#1920971 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:34

epic win on your mothers half lol

By DocBastard | 38

#1920979 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:36

I assume that your resolutions are as follows:

1) Stop being a fucking pussy
2) Make at least one friend
3) Get out of the house
4) Stop being a FUCKING PUSSY

Reply

Vehicle | 1

#1921054 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:03

Just don't accept their candy!!!!!!!!

Reply

Sanostol2 | 0

#1921070 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:10

yeah, that guy who's driving the free candy van isnt your friend!

Reply

tmmundy | 17

#1921388 - Sunday 2 January 2011 16:47

lmao....those vans are everywhere!!! you would think the police would catch on to their scam and shut them down.

Reply

Ran3 | 0

#1922583 - Monday 3 January 2011 7:40

don't listen to them! the guys in the van have the BEST candy!

Reply

talb1 | 7

#1923200 - Monday 3 January 2011 11:19

Ran, knows what he is talking about.

By macskapingvin | 0

#1920994 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:39

First rule of making friends: talk to strangers.

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1921019 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:48

Nooo, you shouldn't talk to strangers, that's dangerous! Geez, didn't your parents teach you ANYTHING?!

Reply

Doortje | 28

#1921034 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:53

*you. Ugh.

Reply

rbell2915 | 0

#1922129 - Monday 3 January 2011 1:20

*facepalm*
How else do you expect to make friends?
Last time I checked you couldn't buy them...

Reply

macskapingvin | 0

#1923674 - Monday 3 January 2011 14:18

Of course you can - the slave trade is still alive and well!

By Battledog5006 | 0

#1921024 - Sunday 2 January 2011 12:51

get some friends you fat pussy, try chatroulette

Reply

maybaybe | 0

#1921104 - Sunday 2 January 2011 13:26

No, not chatroulette. That will scar her for life.

Reply

Shaggy_92 | 5

#1921208 - Sunday 2 January 2011 14:45

kick ass shirt bro!

Reply

MnBran6 | 0

#1921473 - Sunday 2 January 2011 18:08

Your shirt should say "no chicks at all", we all know you gobble balls ya douchy taco.

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#1922486 - Monday 3 January 2011 6:23

Yeah you could do that, if you want penises for friends...