Intimacy: Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football... - FML

By JLoistheBomb - United States

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13599

You deserved it

75816

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

Dangling modifier

Not quite there yet

By TotaledBeamer

Today, I found out how much damage my neighbor's 5-year-old kid can do to my brand-new BMW with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2210

You deserved it

143

Tweet

Share

By smelly asses - 17/9/2020 07:50

Skidmarks

Today, my husband and my daughter engaged in a fart war. Guess who go to do a pile of shitty laundry, while the other texted his friends about the “hilarious” incident? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1077

You deserved it

170

Tweet

Share

By Halloweenie - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43050

You deserved it

5419

Tweet

Share

By WaltTheFuckDad - United States - Salida

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49266

You deserved it

3583

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28763

You deserved it

2120

Tweet

Share

By hail science!

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom. Apparently, my seeking medicinal treatments for my cancer is blasphemous. According to her, I should just pray my cancer away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2446

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By BlueBirdWings

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1424

You deserved it

272

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Johnson City

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13589

You deserved it

41893

Tweet

Share

By greenhide8 - United States

Today, I was playing at a bingo hall, when I got a bingo for $50. I got so excited that I accidentally yelled, "Holy fuck!" They kicked me out. I didn't get the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19972

You deserved it

45994

Tweet

Share

By halfasleep - United States - New Haven

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21615

You deserved it

14610

Tweet

Share

By oops - United States - Mankato

Today, I accidentally farted while shopping. There was an awkward silence followed by a god-awful stink and a lady's little girl bursting into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18972

You deserved it

3383

Tweet

Share

By Tygastyle - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10492

You deserved it

63124

Tweet

Share

By London - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42062

You deserved it

3374

Tweet

Share

By Not Worth a Lunch - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34485

You deserved it

2490

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25630

You deserved it

2205

Tweet

Share

By SimG - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72004

You deserved it

24117

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35515

You deserved it

19778

Tweet

Share

By Mikey - United States

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70387

You deserved it

8685

Tweet

Share

By Pissy

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2253

You deserved it

210

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53751

You deserved it

4690

Tweet

Share

By emsbuffalo - United States

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26137

You deserved it

3091

Tweet

Share

By soontobedumped - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31721

You deserved it

4837

Tweet

Share

By Mike

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55653

You deserved it

6378

Tweet

Share

By PickedOnByDamien - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33378

You deserved it

54755

Tweet

Share

By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51604

You deserved it

7939

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32786

You deserved it

17159

Tweet

Share

By Baby Bethy - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7652

You deserved it

557

Tweet

Share

By Disney - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38110

You deserved it

8413

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69540

You deserved it

7136

Tweet

Share

By elvisfreak5446 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32128

You deserved it

23323

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that her mom doesn't give us any privacy when we're at their place. I suggested that we go to my place for a change, and she agreed. Her mom called my house three times to see what we were doing. We're well beyond teenagers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48810

You deserved it

3907

Tweet

Share

By Username - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43592

You deserved it

25329

Tweet

Share

By foreveryoung - France

Today, a weird guy approached me and started asking me many questions. I didn't know how to get out of this situation, so I suddenly ran away shouting, "Stranger danger! " I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13840

You deserved it

3261

Tweet

Share

By missy - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61534

You deserved it

9560

Tweet

Share

By nullroute - Switzerland - Full

Today, I found out that while on foreign exchange for over six months now, I have been pronouncing the word for "night" in German wrong. Apparently, this whole time, the way that I have been pronouncing it in German means "naked". This explains a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20059

You deserved it

2776

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Mooroolbark

Today, the doorbell rang. I saw my incredibly overbearing mum's car outside, so I stayed quiet and tried to sneak upstairs. As I crawled through the hallway, commando style, I realised the door blinds were still out for cleaning. If scowls could kill, I'd be roasting in Hell right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44069

You deserved it

10956

Tweet

Share

By RIP job - Australia

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12132

You deserved it

1512

Tweet

Share

By AnonThoughts

Fighting fit

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1370

You deserved it

297

Tweet

Share

By Toilettrash - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30859

You deserved it

2867

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53679

You deserved it

3390

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By MCart_fml | 0

#1172 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:40

Remember only 2 shakes are appropriate in the bathroom, anything else and you deserve the embarrassment..

By FMLhilar | 0

#1170 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:35

hahahahahahaha thats just embarassing

COMMENTS

By FMLhilar | 0

#1170 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:35

hahahahahahaha thats just embarassing

Reply

Hunthas | 17

#988368 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 22:58

the same thing happened to me, except with raccoons :(

Reply

mgfootball | 0

#1038113 - Monday 21 June 2010 15:45

at least your not in the longest yard

Reply

ZTB13 | 4

#1645845 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 21:06

I think I've seen thus movie.... Doesn't end well for you pal.... :(

By MCart_fml | 0

#1172 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:40

Remember only 2 shakes are appropriate in the bathroom, anything else and you deserve the embarrassment..

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1935658 - Friday 7 January 2011 1:09

Oh Jesus, I'm so glad I'm a girl and don't have to worry about this shit

Reply

xNephilim | 18

#3416936 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 7:44

Wipe more than twice and you're playing with yourself.
My friend always used to say that to me before I went to the restroom, haha.

By BryanAU | 0

#1178 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:58

jesus christ...

By wheresdanet | 0

#1179 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:58

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. That is quality

By greenman_fml | 0

#1185 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 2:21

there is so much wrong with you. first, why swing your dick around? second, how does one get a boner from swinging a dick around? third, if you feel yourself getting a boner, why not stop whatever is inducing that boner? i just don't get it

By happygolucky | 0

#1194 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 2:57

hahhahhahahaha sucks for you, definitely.

By bradley5055 | 0

#1201 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 3:11

lol wow that really sucks to be u

By peacock_mina19 | 0

#1304 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 13:32

Nice.
Sorry but is def. your problem for doing that in a public place.

By mylifesuck1123 | 0

#1316 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 15:43

by far the funniest thing ive seen. cant say you dont deserve it tho

By borba72 | 0

#1325 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 16:40

Just try not to rub your hard dick into someone's butt.