Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she... - FML

By NoWedding - 10/2/2009 22:30 - United States

Today, I made a joke about having a wedding to my mom and she told me not to joke about something that will probably never happen. FML

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Understandable

DINOSAURS!!

Tidy your room

By milkymoo - 30/5/2011 01:45 - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By disturbedgd - 3/4/2017 20:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It contained the Power Rangers. FML

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By UnpredictableSurface - 17/3/2017 22:00

Today, a tattoo artist send me home without tattoo because the acne on my back has gotten so bad, he refused to work on such an 'unpredictable surface'. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

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By Wronged - 21/9/2009 10:53 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

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By rmo1776 - 6/4/2009 06:16 - United States

Today, I went to a very nice reception at a hotel. I glanced inside the ballroom and saw that no one else was in there and, not wanting to be the first one there, I walked past and into the stairway. Turns out, I had walked into the emergency exit stairs and had to set off the alarm to get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By Bostonian - 2/12/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I told my long distance girlfriend I will be coming half way across the country to visit here since I have not seen her in a month, I gave her my flight information so she could pick me up at the airport. She responded with "That's when The Office is on, can you take a cab?" FML

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By Soap0015 - 16/8/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

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By Eric - 18/5/2019 06:10

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because I added an old high school friend on Facebook. She claims this person is getting in the middle of our relationship. I haven't talked to him in years, and he lives across the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 02:20 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, with whom I'm still madly in love, called me and begged me to come back to him. In shock, I asked, "Is this some kind of joke?" He giggled, said yes, and then promptly hung up. FML

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By Screw My Parents - 22/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 01:19 - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By AFGirlfriend - 28/3/2011 19:10 - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn't deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

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By Brandee - 5/3/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, a guy commented on a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook, and said to please stop 'testing' him. He also messaged me saying how he wishes he could get a girlfriend like me, that I'm gorgeous, and that he wants to go out with me. I'm his cousin. FML

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By merrymary - 7/1/2012 11:11 - United States

Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML

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By Nasu Johi - 6/9/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By tylah - 23/6/2012 15:11 - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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By Username - 6/4/2011 03:26

Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML

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By TooYoungForThis - 3/9/2019 20:00

Benjamin Button

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2012 12:36 - Netherlands

Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML

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By got to be kidding me - 2/5/2019 14:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By halza - 30/5/2016 11:03 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 6/7/2020 14:02

Bosom buddies

Today, while caring for my drunk girlfriend, she confessed that she cheated on me 3 different times with my sister. Now I know why they are always spending time together. FML

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By Nicki - 21/12/2011 12:30 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

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By Anon - 18/12/2019 14:00 - Australia - Brisbane

At the top of desire

Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML

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By hairy - 8/3/2012 14:30 - Serbia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently my nose hair scares him. FML

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By nattnatt73 - 10/9/2016 07:07 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

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By inpain - 17/3/2016 04:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

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By good_job_john - 20/7/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By lice - 28/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By LTJFP - 26/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

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By zanaruka - 19/5/2020 05:00

The customer is always an ass

Today, an angry customer rubbed her hand all over my face, all while showing me her positive COVID-19 test results. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

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By goner - 1/5/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

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By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By "Luke Payne" - 30/12/2019 14:00

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when I realised that I hadn't got my headphones in and was blasting Eminem whilst walking past a bunch of 5 year olds. He said the 'N' word at the same time. I guess I'm not going to that bus stop any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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Top comments

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#1152 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 0:55

And then people wonder why their kids don't like them...

By bradley5055 | 0

#1151 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 0:51

nice way to have a supportive family

COMMENTS

By bradley5055 | 0

#1151 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 0:51

nice way to have a supportive family

Reply

rcbarnes | 24

#4112832 - Friday 2 March 2012 3:54

Time for emancipation, I think...

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#1152 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 0:55

And then people wonder why their kids don't like them...

Reply

ihaterats | 0

#2644616 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 22:34

haha

Reply

4wow4 | 0

#4012198 - Thursday 9 February 2012 6:31

*sigh* My mom blames all my actions on drugs! Silly mom.

By z_vet | 0

#1165 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 1:21

+1 #3

Reply

duke_nukem_25299 | 0

#1103826 - Sunday 18 July 2010 0:33

-1 #4

Reply

ironmany_fml | 23

#6245483 - Saturday 28 March 2015 6:33

yo this aint google plus man

By sheajl19 | 0

#1181 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 2:09

Thats so something my mom would say me too, then laugh. Then later question why I have no self-esteem.

By no_problems | 0

#1236 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 5:10

yeah my parents tell me that. its cuz i'm picky and i get over girls fast.
but i'm young, def. not near that time in my life were i need to get serious.

Reply

DiscoRanger | 0

#4287392 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 3:12

You should always consider the future...
No matter how young you are.

By suyci | 0

#1415 - Thursday 12 February 2009 0:00

dang that sucks.. but dont think that everyone relying on you getting married the first of everyone from you age is a cool thing.. expecially when ur having ur first date on ur 17th.. (this saturday xD)

By alwaysalady | 0

#1616 - Thursday 12 February 2009 18:56

When I got married, no one thought it would last. we got a used blender with no top.

By quiksta | 0

#2149 - Saturday 14 February 2009 15:40

tell her she's an idiot because her retort doesn't even make sense. don't joke about something that will never happen? why? in case it doesn't happen? silly noobs

By thinkpink | 0

#2544 - Monday 16 February 2009 5:48

I would've been like, well YOU found someone Mom, so there's definitely hope for me!

By Chaoticman | 0

#7514 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:04

Ouch man. I do hope it does so that your mom can eat them apples!