Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names... - FML

By Flicker - 14/5/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Hello everyone!

By monquiqui - 4/7/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I had to drive my drunk parents home from a party. They leaned out the window and barked at everyone we passed all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2012 01:06 - Canada

Today, I watched "The Vow" with my girlfriend. When the movie ended, we walked out to the theatre's lobby, and I heard her mutter, "I deserve a guy like him." FML

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By Username - 27/8/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

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By Babs - 2/1/2014 13:17 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

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By imaqtb - 9/9/2010 03:35 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

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By You Are My Sunshine - 24/2/2014 04:18 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML

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By sorethumb - 15/12/2015 23:39 - United Kingdom - Bookham

Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML

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By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

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By - 29/12/2018 12:00

Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 20:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

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By Anonyme - 29/5/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By footinmouth - 13/9/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By undineA - 18/2/2014 20:16 - Greece - Thessalon?ki

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By stinkypants - 10/11/2011 03:15 - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

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By Lisa - 24/9/2018 14:33

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

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By vistingherfamily - 25/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

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By not_dead_yet - 28/6/2009 07:54 - United States

Today, it was my first big time art show. To celebrate I went out to lunch with some people who's work was also there. When we got back police were every where. Someone had broken and stolen all of the art. All except mine. Even burglars don't want my art. FML

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By thanksgrandpa - 8/3/2016 20:08 - Canada - Concord

Today, an attractive woman sat beside me at the doctor's office. Unfortunately, on my other side was my senile old uncle who can't control his bowels, and after a few uncontrollable farts, she was on the other side of the room. FML

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By Belt issues - 9/6/2016 12:21 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2012 16:25 - United States - Bucyrus

Today, I told my mom I was finally going on a diet. She let me know how proud she is of me fighting temptation, by making my favorite cookies and dinner. FML

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By ambermcnulty - 5/1/2010 02:27 - France

Today, it was the first time my boyfriend had seen me naked. He grabs my breasts and then begins to sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts." He is 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 12:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the regional manager of my company came out to do some performance reviews. I was so nervous that my palms were sweaty, and when he reached out to shake my hand, I blurted out, "I'm sorry, you made me wet." FML

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By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 04:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

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By ReptillianFreeloader - 13/2/2017 11:00 - Australia - North Lakes

Australia? Australia.

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

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By hopefulanonymous - 20/11/2009 16:01 - United States

Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 00:01

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By Blue_Heart - 5/9/2015 18:47 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - 15/11/2012 01:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 02:30

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 01:27 - United States - Orlando

Today, my brother was telling me about my "sweet" and "pure" ex-girlfriend. Three stab wounds have already proven otherwise. FML

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By stuckonrepeat - 4/8/2010 20:17 - Ireland

Today, when I returned from holiday, I discovered my best friend taught my parrot dirty phrases for fun. I can't get her to shut up and my little niece and nephew are coming over in three days. FML

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By Tanner - 7/4/2012 02:26 - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2013 17:15 - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

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By sorry dawg - 29/8/2019 20:00

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:37 - Australia - Lane Cove

Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall". Before I could say "asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - 19/4/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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Top comments

By Matthew Eldon Berg | 2

#7403372 - Thursday 2 February 2017 20:02

What do you mean, FML? That's awesome!

Comments

By Matthew Eldon Berg | 2

#7403372 - Thursday 2 February 2017 20:02

What do you mean, FML? That's awesome!