Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling... - FML

By Elle(; - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1866

You deserved it

216

Tweet

Share

Sorry…

Mother of the year

QUIET PLEASE

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52876

You deserved it

4344

Tweet

Share

By Teylot - Canada

Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39875

You deserved it

13529

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9202

You deserved it

69366

Tweet

Share

By Don’t Think About It.

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1342

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 23:59 - New Zealand - Wellington

Empathy

Today, I had a miscarriage. My partner doesn't understand why I'm upset, saying, "It wasn't even a real baby yet." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

107

Tweet

Share

By

Today, I went scuba diving for the first time. The diver took me down some 3 meters and I started showing the thumbs up. He thought I was excited. My breather wasn't working and I was using the sign he told me to use to go up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6696

You deserved it

747

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41373

You deserved it

4944

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I found out my roommate has been using my bed for months because he didn't want his sheets to "smell like gay sex" when his mom washed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3684

You deserved it

305

Tweet

Share

By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68060

You deserved it

34202

Tweet

Share

By jynxisadouchebag - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was doing laundry, so I decided to wash my cat's blanket. He chased me down the stairs into the basement, and I slightly closed the door behind me so he wouldn't follow me. He pushed the door shut, which automatically locks. I was trapped down there for 3 hours until my mom came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29283

You deserved it

5788

Tweet

Share

By Jen - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2357

You deserved it

255

Tweet

Share

By Teddy Bear

Today, while working in a kids' shop, I absent-mindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then hear a deep man's voice say "I'm not a little man." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2091

You deserved it

540

Tweet

Share

By Shamed - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27515

You deserved it

4919

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Vicious bastards

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

803

You deserved it

121

Tweet

Share

By Unwanted - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16092

You deserved it

34710

Tweet

Share

By all puked out - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51591

You deserved it

4311

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I went to go see my granddad in the hospital and asked if he needed anything. He replied, "I need you to get out and send that hot nurse in, I may be old but I still got it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50607

You deserved it

6579

Tweet

Share

By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1396

You deserved it

259

Tweet

Share

By tina - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41083

You deserved it

4087

Tweet

Share

By TrappedInSchool - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3611

You deserved it

478

Tweet

Share

By bringthemback - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49754

You deserved it

4212

Tweet

Share

By hopeless cluts - Canada

Today, as I was crossing the slush covered street to catch the bus, I slipped and fell right in the middle of the road. A woman in a car rolled down her window. She didn't ask if I was okay but just laughed and took a picture of me covered in cold, wet slush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29021

You deserved it

2367

Tweet

Share

By sleepless

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1749

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

By OwMyBalls

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35941

You deserved it

6452

Tweet

Share

By Ned - United States

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48363

You deserved it

3855

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1789

You deserved it

175

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40354

You deserved it

6118

Tweet

Share

By AznKoreanGuy - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50794

You deserved it

4665

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54754

You deserved it

6162

Tweet

Share

By fmfb - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into my Facebook and changed our relationship status to single just to see which of my friends would "like" it. After revealing to me what she did, she now says I can no longer be friends with anyone who liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43549

You deserved it

6246

Tweet

Share

By Bhrugu - 30/4/2021 04:00 - India - Hyderabad

Get tested, people

Today, I found out that people in the apartment to the left, in the one to the right and in the one above mine all tested positive for Covid, a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

802

You deserved it

93

Tweet

Share

By Idle_Twin - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14899

You deserved it

33221

Tweet

Share

By Anyonymous_101

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1688

You deserved it

80

Tweet

Share

By redcherries90 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31608

You deserved it

3983

Tweet

Share

By StupidBerk - United Kingdom

Today, my nitwit son infected our family computer with some sort of mad bastard virus after getting fooled by the promise of some non-existent Hannah Montana nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27518

You deserved it

3140

Tweet

Share

By phatkroger10 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13062

You deserved it

66639

Tweet

Share

By Rai - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

69784

You deserved it

5978

Tweet

Share

By Yeahyeahyeah - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9688

You deserved it

821

Tweet

Share

By highfive - United States - Dedham

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43284

You deserved it

7089

Tweet

Share

By Jaymail - 11/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Chicago

Tourism

Today, I was stuck in backed up traffic because of construction for so long that my phone actually listed where I was stuck in traffic as a place I visited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1020

You deserved it

57

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7830462 - Sunday 11 August 2019 8:17

So technically you guys had a threesome. Noice.

By HokieJ | 9

#7830577 - Sunday 11 August 2019 16:38

I'm sure there's a fetish for that!

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7830462 - Sunday 11 August 2019 8:17

So technically you guys had a threesome. Noice.

By HokieJ | 9

#7830577 - Sunday 11 August 2019 16:38

I'm sure there's a fetish for that!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7830667 - Monday 12 August 2019 0:46

Yeah, it's called bestiality, and it's gross, and illegal, depending on where you live.

By cdaspirit | 15

#7830698 - Monday 12 August 2019 7:27

Saucy

By Kaneki Chiaki | 13

#7831120 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 19:24

Feel blessed that it wasn't a spider.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7832459 - Thursday 15 August 2019 4:15

It's kinky to use a feather and perverted to use the whole chicken. I don't know what category a lizard falls into.