Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling... - FML

By Elle(; - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML

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Sorry…

This is fine

Roommate from hell

By Anonymous - India - Kundan

Today, my boss was fired by the board. A few days ago, he dropped several strong hints that he was going to promote me soon. FML

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By seablue - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

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By PoorCar - United States

Today, I went on a trip to DC. When I got back I found out my car was stolen. Apparently they didn't know how to drive a stick because it was only 4 blocks from my house and the engine was blown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, my mom proudly told me that she found the perfect thing to combat my B.O. Extra strength degreaser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Torrance

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

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By Annie - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was lying on a couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML

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By sonofawackjob - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is my birthday and my friends and I went to our favorite pub to celebrate. As I'm a little broke at the moment, they all offered to buy me birthday drinks. Which I later learned meant that they would order them for me and bring it to the table, but put everything on my tab. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By CoalRose - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

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By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

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By Scared - United States - Pacific

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

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By anonymous

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

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By fuck you dad - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

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By webcammistake - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By konacoffee17 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By samantha - United States

Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

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By poopcoloredeyes - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

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By fyln00b - France

Today, I was horseback riding. Somebody yelled something behind me, so I turned around. Next thing I know, I am on the ground and my head is killing me. It turns out I ran into a tree branch. The person behind me simply said, "Watch out." FML

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By loner - United States

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

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By Savannah - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

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By help me! - United Kingdom

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

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By nina - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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By StomachofTinfoil - United States - Bar Harbor

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

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By Guy - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

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By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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By babyscarface - United States - Orange

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

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By Stiffed - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

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By coldasfire - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend keeps my toenails in her deceased grandmother's prized music box. She says it's to, "Keep the box natural." I don't understand why she does this, or what she means by "natural." FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I made a delicious casserole for dinner. Just as I was about to serve it, a bowl fell from the cupboard above, exploded on the counter and made it rain tiny, sharp glass shards on my food. I can't pick them all out. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7830462 - Sunday 11 August 2019 8:17

So technically you guys had a threesome. Noice.

By HokieJ | 9

#7830577 - Sunday 11 August 2019 16:38

I'm sure there's a fetish for that!

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7830462 - Sunday 11 August 2019 8:17

So technically you guys had a threesome. Noice.

By HokieJ | 9

#7830577 - Sunday 11 August 2019 16:38

I'm sure there's a fetish for that!

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7830667 - Monday 12 August 2019 0:46

Yeah, it's called bestiality, and it's gross, and illegal, depending on where you live.

By cdaspirit | 15

#7830698 - Monday 12 August 2019 7:27

Saucy

By Kaneki Chiaki | 13

#7831120 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 19:24

Feel blessed that it wasn't a spider.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7832459 - Thursday 15 August 2019 4:15

It's kinky to use a feather and perverted to use the whole chicken. I don't know what category a lizard falls into.