Animals: Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of...

By BigBangrocksthenight - 03/04/2010 00:31 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 494

You deserved it 10 436

Animals

Own it

Walk the line

Bad omens all around

By Anonymous - 10/03/2014 16:38 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 384

You deserved it 6 555

By Anna Lete - 12/07/2017 21:31

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 873

You deserved it 322

By Ava - 27/04/2019 12:00

Today, a jobless person felt sympathy for me because I work retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 861

You deserved it 233

By EternalBlossom - 14/07/2015 05:03 - United States

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 448

You deserved it 23 905

By Phoebe - 18/07/2009 08:15 - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 772

You deserved it 4 140

By Anonymous - 28/03/2015 20:42 - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 412

You deserved it 2 373

By Foxy - 05/02/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 216

You deserved it 26 791

Cryptic reaction

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 03:01

Today, I found out I’m pregnant with the man I’ve been in love with for almost a year. When I told him, he got down on one knee, cuddled my abdomen and said, "Get out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 158

By ohgodwhy - 20/04/2012 20:24 - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 484

You deserved it 2 082

By sadman - 07/05/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 371

You deserved it 11 670

By Anonymous - 25/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 466

You deserved it 359

By notdrivinganytimesoon - 04/03/2015 02:35 - United States - Richardson

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 205

You deserved it 7 663

By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 300

You deserved it 3 359

By buttsmcgee - 22/11/2016 07:05 - United States - Roseburg

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 011

You deserved it 922

By Weldingtags - 28/10/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 045

You deserved it 2 937

Great customer service, thanks!

By Eli Maldonado - 29/05/2021 17:01

Today, I called customer service for my phone. We talked for a while and the man was very nice to me. Too nice. Right before hanging up, he said, “Have a good day ma’am!” He was flirting the whole time and I didn’t realize it, and he didn’t that I’m a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 132

By Anonymous - 10/02/2016 16:57 - United States - Avon

Today, there was an issue with the sewage system at work. It smelled like somebody took a turd, left it in the sun to marinate, threw up on it, then put in the air conditioning to fill the store with nauseating stink. I nearly threw up multiple times because we weren't allowed to leave early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 242

You deserved it 1 366

By julia - 01/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 368

You deserved it 3 923

By Waste Someone Else's Time - 28/06/2015 05:06 - United States

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 751

You deserved it 2 578

By good job bf - 11/01/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 111

You deserved it 2 872

By Jgfenix - 22/09/2015 00:24 - United States - Aurora

Today, I was with my girlfriend at lunch when a group of guys came over. They started calling her a whore and a bunch of other shit, so I cussed them out. Turns out she was not only cheating on me, but all the other guys too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 833

You deserved it 2 221

By soapisyourfriend - 16/02/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 846

You deserved it 1 397

Alexa, play "Never Enough" by The Cure

By guess who - 07/05/2021 13:59

Today, I made a 99 on my history test. Proud of myself, I went to tell my mom. She cut me off to say, "If it’s less than a 100, you’re fucking grounded." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 29/05/2019 00:08

Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 970

You deserved it 308

By LennyLemon - 25/08/2016 13:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was taking a shower in a hostel when the girl in the cubicle next to mine decided to blow her nose onto the shower floor. The water from her cubicle was flowing into mine and I ended up standing in a puddle of fresh watery snot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 944

You deserved it 1 062

By poupi - 25/12/2008 12:57 - France

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 441

You deserved it 6 916

By Falling off the wagon - 09/11/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 384

You deserved it 3 549

By jentown11 - 28/09/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 687

You deserved it 17 991

By Travellingluck - 20/10/2017 16:12

Today, after a week of severe gastroenteritis that required a hospital stay, I was finally feeling well enough to go in the pool at our holiday resort. My fiance slipped on the edge of the pool and we're back in the hospital. Happy vacation! FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 645

You deserved it 248

By kissless - 10/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 358

You deserved it 5 857

Friendly advice

By babydoc - 03/07/2020 23:00

Today, I visited a friend and her new baby. The baby had a tight constrictive headband and a clearly wet cloth nappy on. I tried to give some friendly advice on why this was bad, but she shot me down, saying what would I know, I don't have a kid. She's 17 and I'm a 26-year-old practicing midwife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 150

Fun for all the family

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 02:00

Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 235

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

By Charity - 20/03/2017 17:00 - United States

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 064

You deserved it 741

By Fubar0906 - 19/05/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 476

You deserved it 17 479

Not worth my time

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 15:00 - United States

Today, my dad has gone to two different relatives’ weddings in two different states this month alone. I also found out about his big birthday celebration, his BBQ and his trip to Vegas. I saw it all on Facebook. I’ve not been invited to anything, and he never visits me. I live an hour away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 106

That's so hot

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 21:00 - Australia - Bundoora

Today, I discovered that I was the catalyst for my best friend's and ex's relationship. Apparently, still being in love with him added crazy heat to their sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 100

You deserved it 102

Plebs need not apply.

By chels - 17/07/2018 19:00

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 806

You deserved it 830

By notcool - 15/12/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 437

You deserved it 8 814

By AdoKitty - 11/06/2015 03:04 - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 979

You deserved it 2 263

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the bus when an obese woman with flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 142

You deserved it 3 064

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Top comments

adamsk1 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:23

maybe if you shower daily that won't happen... ydi for being dirty

playalovegame 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:28

ydi for hiding bugs in your bra

adamsk1 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:23

maybe if you shower daily that won't happen... ydi for being dirty

STYLE_E 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:24

your making it sound good

massagenist 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 10:04

was it a BOTFLY ? see pretty examples on youtube and reply.

VeryNice329 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 10:17

no. 2...I was thinking of joking about the daily showerage. I'm just too slow, but maybe the op has decent sized boobs and a beetle or something got stuck and just waited until the right time to escape....

adamsk1 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 11:03

no way!! she would feel that! seriously, think about it! anytime you've had a bug crawling on you haven't you felt it and kinda freaked out a little? I'm deathly afraid of spiders so even if my hair falls out and brushes my neck or arm I'm lookin for a spider. seriously all she needs is a shower. haha I wasn't trying to make it sound good. I would have said dirty girl if it was a sensual comment. but this is just plain nasty dirty.

Jessi_Rose96 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 14:45

Botflies are disgusting little creatures. My teacher showed us the video. Ugh, yuck.

BABiiRAWr 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 16:50

I bet the bug killed the mood :(

parker330033 0

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Sunday 4 April 2010 4:35

ha ha!!! that's funny!

debiasio69696969 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:23

gnarley if I was him I'd get checked don't wanna run into more bugs ;)

winterharte 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:26

There's no 'e' in gnarly >.>

debiasio69696969 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:26

your point?

kcarty01 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:29

there can be an 'e' in gnarley/gnarly if you want. either way its a weird-ass looking word haha

kcarty01 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:32

technically that would be a spelling lesson but..thats alright (: haha

dumbbitchhater2 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:41

god damn nobody knows how to speak/spell correctly in this thread

robdoggstge 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:41

dummmmmbbbb. haha that suks op

kcarty01 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:43

excuse you 22. rude. :|

HarmDis 3

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:49

You don't capitalize the first letter of every sentance lol. Very few people here can speak/spell correctly.

BearNick 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:56

Oh the irony 29.

kcarty01 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 9:57

clearly thats not spelling or speaking. that would be considered typing, writing, or possibly punctuating.

imdeborah 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 12:29

I don't understand why so many people demand perfect grammar on here. Its FML .com . Why do you care? Unless you cant understand what the person typed there's no need to go bitching. (This is to everyone in general, not just one person in particular)

massagenist 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 13:29

i resemble that remark. alot of fmlers have brained thier damage from smoking jinga.

TaliTubi 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 13:52

#57 you're as stupid as you look.

skullbashd 3

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Saturday 3 April 2010 17:00

he looks like guy from no country for old men with the silenced shotgun maybe it is him

aznbitch 0

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Saturday 3 April 2010 23:29

agreed 58.

eukaryote101 0

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Sunday 4 April 2010 2:48

Why WOULDN'T you spell correctly? It's basic stuff. Now idm the odd apostrophe being left out, but please, speak in a coherant fashion. Unless you want to sound like an idiot, and consequently, be treated like one.