Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/9/2015 13:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

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Rock, hard place

Headache

Mixed signals

By BobbyMalone - 17/1/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML

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By daddysboy123 - 6/8/2009 15:40 - United States

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

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By Betchsadface - 13/7/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, while I was going down on my girlfriend, she fell asleep. She said she was too tired to fake it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2016 01:29

Today, I am starting a new job. Only problem is, I haven't been told what my duties are, who my line manager is or who to ask if I need help. FML

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By lbailey32 - 4/2/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By KieRendan - 25/5/2012 19:59 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 00:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2020 06:01

Gentrification strikes !

Today, I actually can't choose what's worse, hearing my direct neighbour having really loud sex on a regular basis, including furniture breaking, or hearing people cheering and playing the piano in the same room. Upper-class fantasy? FML

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By Dirtisgood - 24/8/2018 00:00

Today, my in-laws told me, in all seriousness, that my child was going to become paralyzed because I let him play on grass. FML

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By really - 22/5/2016 02:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I realized my boyfriend's right hand gets more action in a week than I do in a month. FML

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By cold - 15/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Phoenix

Gasp

Today, I canceled all my plans because my boyfriend wanted to go on a date. He didn't mean with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2014 19:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

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By Boobs McGee - 31/10/2016 02:48

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

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By IMSERIOUS - 22/1/2014 19:23 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

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By peepeepainter - 7/1/2014 02:25 - United States - Jasper

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

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By OnlyAvailableID - 8/2/2015 08:35 - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

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By achoooo - 7/11/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

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By MrsCasillas - 26/9/2013 06:24 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 18:27 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

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By Crash44 - 8/7/2019 02:03

Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML

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By BeastieHouse - 14/2/2019 00:00

Today, I dropped a brand new jar of molasses into the corner of my completely white kitchen. FML

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By driver - 6/1/2010 14:55 - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to renew my license. When I gave the woman behind the desk my name and social security number she looked confused. She then called over her manager, who did the same thing. Getting nervous, I asked what was wrong. Apparently according to the state of Illinois I'm dead. FML

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By Niquesha - 23/4/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2012 20:53 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML

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By ticketed - 2/7/2017 00:00

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

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By I hate retail - 17/10/2016 22:12 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

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By Jjay08 - 26/4/2016 21:17 - United States - Miles City

Today, I discovered a purple BMX bike abandoned in my front yard. I wondered why it was there, until I looked over to discover that my own bike had be stolen. I guess they liked mine better. FML

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By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

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By wtffireworks! - 26/5/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

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By reasonablysingle - 11/6/2016 03:27 - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I'm taking care of my 12-year-old daughter because my ex-wife thought she could cure our daughter's lactose intolerance by sneaking milk into her soy breakfast. The milk had expired. FML

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By Jessie - 25/11/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

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By Superdumb - 26/11/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

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By jigglepuff - 9/2/2014 17:00 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 14:46 - Australia

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 19:14 - United States

Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML

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By pissed out pants - 18/1/2015 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, just to win a bet against my mum that he could make me scream like a bitch, my dad faked his own suicide. He went the whole mile: fake blood everywhere, fake gun, yelling "Goodbye!" and playing a loud gunshot sound effect from his PC, everything. My dad won; my underwear lost. FML

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By Gabi - 20/2/2012 14:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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By Liz - 6/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

He Tried?

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

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By stupid voicemails - 28/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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Top comments

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6409996 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:10

I hope whatever was on your plate ended up in his face.

By LifelessStars | 22

#6409995 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:10

They're just another waste of oxygen. Keep your head up.

COMMENTS

By LifelessStars | 22

#6409995 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:10

They're just another waste of oxygen. Keep your head up.

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6410086 - Monday 14 September 2015 1:31

That's when you get up and royally kick their ass.

By XxDanno316xX | 27

#6409996 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:10

I hope whatever was on your plate ended up in his face.

Reply

brenton490 | 19

#6410103 - Monday 14 September 2015 1:58

Or just let them know that you're crying because your eyes hurt from glancing at them.

Reply

FitFriday | 32

#6411118 - Tuesday 15 September 2015 8:44

Or go up to them and say at least my personality isn't as fuck-ugly as yours

By lvg_fml | 10

#6409997 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:10

Both assholes. Sorry you have a lot of stuff going on that's making you cry look for somebody better though who can support you through those times

By jqmalang | 17

#6410009 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:15

Woah, you better have stopped liking that guy on spot after what he said. That's just cold. Sorry OP.

By OysterPearls | 33

#6410010 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:15

People who feel the need to put down others to make themselves look better are the ugliest people of all, OP. I hope things get better for you soon.

Reply

heirofhope | 38

#6410049 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:42

I agree. They're disgusting. I can't ever imagine laughing at somebody who is crying, it just doesn't feel right, and there's nothing funny about it.

Reply

hastisc | 2

#6410367 - Monday 14 September 2015 8:59

It depends on the circumstances, i.e. if they killed your family and you cut off their dick and they're crying from pain, feel free to laugh; if you're laughing at some random person crying in the cafeteria, than you deserve nothing more than hell

By PandaSmile | 24

#6410016 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:16

Talk to someone at uni OP. The student support teams can be really helpful if you are feeling stressed out! It gets better, keep going :)

By megansheeran | 21

#6410017 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:17

Anyone who treats you like that is not worth having feelings for. Don't let them get you down, OP. I'm sure you're beautiful inside and out.

By cooltatgar | 30

#6410019 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:17

I guess you don't like him anymore now.

By Aquila_Umbrae | 26

#6410034 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:27

Assholes will be assholes

By mads_fml | 7

#6410040 - Monday 14 September 2015 0:34

Who the hell is that mean and immature in college? Don't mind them, OP! In the meantime is there counseling you can go to help with the crap going on?

Reply

NightOwI | 9

#7467935 - Friday 9 June 2017 22:32

Sadly, some people never grow up...