Love: Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 35

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 135

17/02/2009 08:30

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 803

You deserved it 13 420

Sorry…

BO Central

Cujo, but for cats

24/08/2009 11:33

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 569

You deserved it 8 909

30/12/2014 17:24

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 089

You deserved it 2 510

10/10/2009 12:52

Today, I finally plucked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of 7 months. I took her out to the park where we had our first kiss, I got down on one knee, and before I could say "Will you marry me" a bird shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 845

You deserved it 7 515

16/09/2013 20:30

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 440

You deserved it 44 791

28/08/2012 14:16

Today, I wrote the girl I love a long, gushy letter to convince her to be with me instead of her abusive ex. Later on, I asked her what she thought. She said she can't read cursive. She chose the ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 549

You deserved it 4 415

24/08/2016 14:26

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 192

You deserved it 1 451

Birthday Girl

By Anonymous - 14/05/2009 17:43

Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412 413

You deserved it 21 706

12/05/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 681

You deserved it 434

29/08/2009 20:42

Today, the guy I've been dating tells me that I need to stop hanging on him in public because it's ruining his game with other girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 197

You deserved it 6 053

03/01/2010 23:59

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 549

You deserved it 6 531

12/09/2012 21:58

Spicy

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 524

You deserved it 33 136

Wrong sort of poking

By Anonymous - 22/09/2013 05:40

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 067

You deserved it 9 712

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

By EyupItsLucas - 24/03/2020 13:35

Today, there’s been birds nesting in my wall since mid winter. They’ve recently started scratching at the wall as if they wanted to get through. This morning, they made their entrance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 243

21/10/2009 16:40

Today, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I tried to soothe it with some Ramen, which helped for a while. Later on, I felt worse and threw up the soup. Noodles came out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 796

You deserved it 7 347

The nerve of some people

By evecharneco - 25/05/2021 14:01

Today, it's been a few months since got fired from a job I'd spent two years at. Before getting fired, I trained the entire new staff, and to this day they still message me for help, even though I was fired months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 77

10/06/2010 00:46

Today, I had to drive 300 miles to a town where I thought I'd forgotten my purse the night before. When I got to the hotel I had been staying at, I found out it was actually in the trunk of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 279

You deserved it 45 677

19/06/2019 12:23

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 476

You deserved it 290

The Talk

By Ken - 10/05/2021 20:01

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 781

09/12/2016 17:01

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 977

You deserved it 11 944

06/10/2009 04:32

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 309

You deserved it 3 709

Backwards

By bad sis - 23/09/2019 05:01

Today, my family got very upset with me when I advised my brother’s girlfriend to take the kids and leave. They’re more upset with me telling her that, than the fact that my brother is an abusive serial cheater and a raging alcoholic, who hits her and the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 696

You deserved it 128

27/02/2011 12:39

Spicy

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 666

You deserved it 4 044

12/07/2015 13:11

Today, a customer berated me and told me to stop whining because I have to work on the weekend. What did I do to deserve this? I said, "Hi, how are you doing today?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 386

You deserved it 1 899

FML every way you look at it

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 20:03

Today, I had an enjoyable Tinder date, but I wasn't feeling any physical attraction because of her short hair. I let her know, to which she replied, "I don't like it either but growing it after chemo is a slow process." FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 3 211

22/11/2010 02:51

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 777

You deserved it 4 142

12/08/2012 15:49

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 569

You deserved it 2 769

31/12/2013 19:36

Spicy

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 414

You deserved it 23 002

26/08/2014 21:46

Spicy

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 605

You deserved it 6 625

05/01/2014 07:11

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 680

You deserved it 4 342

17/10/2011 22:05

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 065

You deserved it 80 235

29/06/2009 14:30

Today, after playing in an online casino, I won £200. Being pretty tight for cash at the moment I was pretty excited. I then tried to withdraw it to be told that I can't have a penny of it because I didn't register my card details first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 078

You deserved it 41 764

TMI

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 23:52

Spicy

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 738

You deserved it 3 008

Mr. Robot

By confused - 30/04/2021 05:01

Today, my boyfriend said we needed to talk. He called me cruel, cold and heartless and that it’s making him reconsider what kind of future we may have together. All because I hate sappy movies and don’t cry on the scenes where the dogs die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 223

20/07/2010 00:23

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 668

You deserved it 4 097

Thanks for that, dad!

By Anonymous - 13/10/2019 01:00

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 383

You deserved it 226

WTF?

By Anonymous - 15/04/2018 01:30

Today, I went to my fiancé's mother's funeral. His step-sister proudly announced that she's pregnant with his baby and they are engaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 994

You deserved it 306

02/02/2009 09:29

Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 206

You deserved it 3 292

22/08/2013 17:56

Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 432

You deserved it 3 147

Monday morning sucks

By Linds - 28/06/2021 14:01

Today, I came home to find that maggots had taken over my garbage can this weekend. We weren't home to catch it, and I didn't use the garbage this morning. On top of that, I hadn't had my caffeine for the day because I ran out and forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 242

18/12/2015 13:34

Today, I accidentally farted while on my flight home. It was silent but so deadly that several people were visibly distressed. The overweight guy sitting next to me got a bunch of dirty glares. I was too ashamed to own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 618

You deserved it 7 172

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Top comments

disgruntled_stdt 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 18:02

did he actually use the word "spawn"? That's awesome.

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Tuesday 12 March 2013 21:56

So if the babies had been ugly in the "baby maker" or whatever, would you have dumped him??

Comments

Amkii 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 16:40

#1 - Nice!! I like the way you think!

Daevas 18

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Thursday 19 February 2015 20:18

Where is #1's anyway?

disgruntled_stdt 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 18:02

did he actually use the word "spawn"? That's awesome.

girrl 0

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 8:39

yeah that was definitely a joke. and i think you knew that before you posted it on here.

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:55

Who the hell says spawn?

jake12221212121 4

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Friday 22 June 2012 12:07

Don't be a hater.

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 22:02

I would not take anything like that seriously. Why would he date you or want to have kids with you if you are ugly to him?

cp399 14

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Saturday 27 September 2014 2:51

Maybe he's more into personality

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 22:18

Before I married my husband, I did a baby - maker online. The kids were cute, I married him. We had kids, and they are cute. Try the baby maker, then decide.

pastafarian97 0

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Thursday 27 May 2010 12:52

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Tuesday 12 March 2013 21:56

So if the babies had been ugly in the "baby maker" or whatever, would you have dumped him??

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Thursday 26 February 2009 3:45

You fat whore. Go buy a Wii Fit and lose some damn weight!

kayykatastrophii 0

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 9:35

#4 Some couples talk about marriage, in which case, children isn't a scary subject. Furthermore, you deserve better. That's horrible. Unless he was kidding. I would honestly confront him on it. Tell him what he said seriously hurt you. He MAY have been kidding. At least, I HOPE he was.

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 20:54

Unless he knows you are self-conscious about your looks, I wouldn't worry about it. He may just be blessed with the smart-ass gene.

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Sunday 8 March 2009 0:34

Seriously, it's just a joke. How are jokes FML worthy?