Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I... - FML

By fuckingjesusgran - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Sarajevo

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

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Season finale

The View

Small town blues

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

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By cheerbabeXoXo - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

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By cinder - 16/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Denver

Caring parenting

Today, and every day I decide to get therapy for my severe depression, my parents spring a workload of chores on me, which mentally exhausts me to the point I can’t do anything. Including start my therapy. FML

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By love and tolerape, apparently - India - Jamshedpur

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

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By fuckkkkk - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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By Rochelle - United States

Today, I took a picture of myself seductively eating an apple. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my family. As part of my presents, my parents gave me prepaid debit card. When I got home, I looked at it again and realized it's the debit card you get from selling back books to our university bookstore. I bought my own books this year. They gave me my own refund. FML

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By OhBoy - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

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By RahiYeah09 - United States

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bedford

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

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By Outfoxed

Today, I'm moving to the barn. Two weeks ago I bought my girlfriend the birthday gift she most wanted: two ducklings. They’re scatting everywhere but she eats, cuddles, and sleeps with them in our bed. I asked if they could go live outside and she said, "No, you can." FML

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By Eric - 14/3/2020 06:05

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

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By today

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

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By 8to10days - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

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By Broeman - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

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By laughing-stock - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By cfails - 2/4/2020 14:00

Our house, in the middle of our lockdown!

Today, I found out the house I want to buy is being re-listed, because I can't have an open house to get people to see and buy my current house, because no one can go out in the this fucking quarantine. FML

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By shaft2112 - Germany - Emsdetten

Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML

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By blahhlovely_30 - United States

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

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By ohmydog - United States

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

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By Lame - United States

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

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By awks - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, I was dismissed from my job at an unemployment agency. In order to receive financial support from the government I need to be cooperating with a job service provider. They paired me up with the same place I was just fired from. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

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By Never Again - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was babysitting 3 toddlers. I wanted to entertain them by making them laugh, but nothing worked. Later on, I started down the stairs, but tripped and tumbled down. I realized I have broken my arm and bruised my knees. I also realized that kids think it's hilarious when you get injured. FML

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By the bleeder

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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By Tor - United States

Today, I was in class and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to scream and cry because the pain was horrible, so the teacher called 911. After being rushed to the hospital, I was told that "I had gas cramps and would be fine." My whole class was listening on speakerphone to make sure I was ok. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Topeka

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

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By SmellyLeg

Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

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By dwaggle - United States

Today, my wife tried to catch the bouquet at my sister's wedding. Afterward I informed her that only single women were supposed to do that, and she replied "I know". My wife told me that she was divorcing me at my sister's wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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By Nathanael Johnson

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

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Top comments

By Crazafon | 19

#5483225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:09

Its time to put Grandma in a home...

By dectivebobby | 6

#5483229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

Hi I'm Grandma and this is Jackass

COMMENTS

By Crazafon | 19

#5483225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:09

Its time to put Grandma in a home...

Reply

Comet_Candy | 23

#5483240 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

But what if she blows up the home? D:!!

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5483287 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:22

If she does at least op wont be in it when it blows.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5483307 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:35

For Christ sake, we need an old people category already. Get on it FML team!!

Reply

mr_sarcastic416 | 29

#5483374 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 6:55

*Sheldon Cooper voice* a home?? we could never put grandma in a home!!

Reply

RinaRina | 9

#5483664 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 15:18

Oh Sheldon and his Memaw :3

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5483681 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 15:43

*memaw in a home

Reply

AngelSpit | 18

#5483881 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:22

*mutters* I could set the building on fire ...

Reply

groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5484090 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 22:20

what happen To GO grandparents

Reply

fivehuskies | 6

#6014339 - Monday 21 July 2014 21:13

#1 I was gonna comment that but then I looked and saw you already typed it. Very funny.

By That_Indian_Dude | 5

#5483226 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:09

Well at lest someone wouldn't kidnap her then!

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5483299 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:31

Think about it. If you were crazy, would you abduct the old lady tying to blow everybody up, or the one in the wheelchair? Let me give you a tip, old people don't tend to check who's pushing them.

By ttr125 | 10

#5483228 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

THEY WON'T TAKE US ALIVE!!

Reply

AngrySailor | 17

#5483348 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 6:12

"Got a case of dynamite, I could hold out here all night...."

Reply

ttr125 | 10

#5483364 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 6:46

For some reason I'm seeing clips from Conkers Bad Fur Day playing in my head...should I be concerned?

By dectivebobby | 6

#5483229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

Hi I'm Grandma and this is Jackass

Reply

JFloUnknown | 24

#5483407 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 7:54

^Fucking lost it

By Mmkay1515 | 21

#5483231 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

She really recognized what the right thing to do in that situation was. Spot on, Grandma. Spot on.

By lolfood | 24

#5483235 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

What would that even accomplish? She'd just kill everyone, including herself. O.o

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5483244 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Grandma be crazy

Reply

JFloUnknown | 24

#5483408 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 7:56

How did you just respond to yourself and get upvoted both times?

Reply

Verota | 6

#5483437 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 9:01

The more the merrier.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5483467 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 10:29

It's a shame my girlfriend doesn't agree with that.

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5483740 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 16:53

That was meant to be in the original comment.

By kathryn14 | 19

#5483238 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Old people are crazy, I swear. And if I'm not crazy by the time I'm 80, I'm going to use my age as a free pass to act absolutely insane.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5483283 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:20

Who here wouldn't! We'd become a famed FML oldie!

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5483289 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:24

in some countries such as spain its almost impossible to get in any serious trouble with the law after your 75. Thats where i plan to retire.

Reply

EVnIAS | 13

#5483435 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 8:59

Congrats if you make it that far, me my life of bad choices and stupidity would never let me get that far . Don't worry though I will post an FML the day I die so I can show you guys I was right. All of you better vote to let my story in cause it will be my last!

By rebelsrock | 17

#5483239 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Hey, not everyone can say their grandma is badass like that

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5483242 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Physcho granny.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5483474 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 10:55

Grandma is as confused as a slut with pants on... Bless.

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5483682 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 15:45

That has just become my new favorite analogy.

By my_name_is_earl | 9

#5483249 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:12

Was grandma in the war?

Reply

beastiness | 14

#5483823 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 18:53

Women weren't allowed to fight in war until around the time of Vietnam and still are restricted from infantry and special forces unit so no PTSD is not the problem

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#5484384 - Thursday 9 May 2013 2:07

You don't have to be in actually infantry combat to suffer from PTSD. Look at military surgeons for instance.

Reply

my_name_is_earl | 9

#5484641 - Thursday 9 May 2013 6:51

Allllllllrighhtttt lets not get technical here