Transportation: Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I... - FML

By fuckingjesusgran - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Sarajevo

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

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BO Central

Surprise strike

Our House

By NoSexForMe - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he could finally go down on me. He said, "No, that's disgusting" and then asked me for a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By Wheresthecreamfilling

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

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By Work_sucks

Today, I'm facing a disciplinary hearing at work because I occasionally fail to click the door properly shut when I leave the office and this is very upsetting to one of the six colleagues I share my office with. FML

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By chaos2007 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

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By Lola987

Today, on my birthday, I tried to be a good girlfriend by making sure my boyfriend of 3 years alarms were set for work on his phone. Noticed he’s back to talking to his ex as the messenger bubble had her face in it.. He was asking for boob pictures...FML

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By Bittersweet

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

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By ScaredDude

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By mynameislor - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

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By Thai that on for size - New Zealand - Silverdale

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

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By ari - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

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By Ew-dles

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 18:02 - Philippines - Quezon City

Happy Birthday baby!

Today, it's my birthday. My parents wished me a happy one via text message. We live in the same house. FML

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By cat cat

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

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By twohoursclosertodeath - United States - Austin

Today, I had to suffer through a two-hour long trivia game with my boyfriend's family. As if that wasn't annoying enough, my boyfriend caused the pair of us to lose by just a single point, because he answered "Quebec" to the question of "What is the capital city of France?" FML

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By Sarah

Today, my therapist said, "Y'know, Sarah, you would be a lot happier if you laid off the cocaine." I don't do cocaine. I never have. FML

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By BERNDTOAST - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

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By ThatCery - United Kingdom

Today, I rang my dad to tell him and my half-sister that I'm finally engaged. I then asked my half-sister to tell my stepmother. Still on speaker, I heard her run upstairs and pass the good news on. My stepmother responded with 'Cery who?', followed by 'So what? I can't stand her'. I'm Cery. FML

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By obsequiousfannyflapper - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

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By StUbbY - Canada

Today, I was waiting in line for breakfast at the McDonalds drive-thru. After getting so fed up that the line hadn't budged for 10 mins, I decided to pull out of the line just to realize I was waiting behind 2 parked cars that were just to the left of the drive-thru lane. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Neustadt

Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By Nana - Sweden - Skellefte

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

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By lolwut - United States - Albany

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

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By SunBed - 11/5/2020 17:00

Soaked

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

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By peeved - United States

Today, I was forced to attend a fire safety class, as required by my job. Last year, I completed the fire academy as a volunteer fireman. The class was not only insulting, but wrong in many ways. I got kicked out for pointing them out. I now have to take it again, or be fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

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By ChestExploding - United States - Greensboro

Today, I tripped and fell, damaging my sternum and making it incredibly painful to breathe in or out too much. About ten minutes later, I got the hiccups. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

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By StaceZN

Today, on site, my client was certain she had switched off her electric fence prior to me conducting an inspection of her boundary retaining wall. I overbalanced on my ladder and grabbed at the fence wires for support. The electricity was not switched off. FML

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By max - United States

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

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By Saberwolf - United States

Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 20:01

Touchy

Today, I found out that my paper about World War 2 has led my teacher to believe that I hate Jews. I wrote my paper about the technological advances made during the war, and made no mention of Jews. She and I are both Jewish. FML

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Top comments

By Crazafon | 19

#5483225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:09

Its time to put Grandma in a home...

By dectivebobby | 6

#5483229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

Hi I'm Grandma and this is Jackass

COMMENTS

By Crazafon | 19

#5483225 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:09

Its time to put Grandma in a home...

Reply

Comet_Candy | 23

#5483240 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

But what if she blows up the home? D:!!

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5483287 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:22

If she does at least op wont be in it when it blows.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5483307 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:35

For Christ sake, we need an old people category already. Get on it FML team!!

Reply

mr_sarcastic416 | 29

#5483374 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 6:55

*Sheldon Cooper voice* a home?? we could never put grandma in a home!!

Reply

RinaRina | 9

#5483664 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 15:18

Oh Sheldon and his Memaw :3

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5483681 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 15:43

*memaw in a home

Reply

AngelSpit | 18

#5483881 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 19:22

*mutters* I could set the building on fire ...

Reply

groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5484090 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 22:20

what happen To GO grandparents

Reply

fivehuskies | 6

#6014339 - Monday 21 July 2014 21:13

#1 I was gonna comment that but then I looked and saw you already typed it. Very funny.

By That_Indian_Dude | 5

#5483226 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:09

Well at lest someone wouldn't kidnap her then!

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5483299 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:31

Think about it. If you were crazy, would you abduct the old lady tying to blow everybody up, or the one in the wheelchair? Let me give you a tip, old people don't tend to check who's pushing them.

By ttr125 | 10

#5483228 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

THEY WON'T TAKE US ALIVE!!

Reply

AngrySailor | 17

#5483348 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 6:12

"Got a case of dynamite, I could hold out here all night...."

Reply

ttr125 | 10

#5483364 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 6:46

For some reason I'm seeing clips from Conkers Bad Fur Day playing in my head...should I be concerned?

By dectivebobby | 6

#5483229 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

Hi I'm Grandma and this is Jackass

Reply

JFloUnknown | 24

#5483407 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 7:54

^Fucking lost it

By Mmkay1515 | 21

#5483231 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

She really recognized what the right thing to do in that situation was. Spot on, Grandma. Spot on.

By lolfood | 24

#5483235 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:10

What would that even accomplish? She'd just kill everyone, including herself. O.o

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5483244 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Grandma be crazy

Reply

JFloUnknown | 24

#5483408 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 7:56

How did you just respond to yourself and get upvoted both times?

Reply

Verota | 6

#5483437 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 9:01

The more the merrier.

Reply

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5483467 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 10:29

It's a shame my girlfriend doesn't agree with that.

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5483740 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 16:53

That was meant to be in the original comment.

By kathryn14 | 19

#5483238 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Old people are crazy, I swear. And if I'm not crazy by the time I'm 80, I'm going to use my age as a free pass to act absolutely insane.

Reply

lilhellian | 26

#5483283 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:20

Who here wouldn't! We'd become a famed FML oldie!

Reply

Joshwarrior | 39

#5483289 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:24

in some countries such as spain its almost impossible to get in any serious trouble with the law after your 75. Thats where i plan to retire.

Reply

EVnIAS | 13

#5483435 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 8:59

Congrats if you make it that far, me my life of bad choices and stupidity would never let me get that far . Don't worry though I will post an FML the day I die so I can show you guys I was right. All of you better vote to let my story in cause it will be my last!

By rebelsrock | 17

#5483239 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Hey, not everyone can say their grandma is badass like that

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5483242 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:11

Physcho granny.

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5483474 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 10:55

Grandma is as confused as a slut with pants on... Bless.

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5483682 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 15:45

That has just become my new favorite analogy.

By my_name_is_earl | 9

#5483249 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 5:12

Was grandma in the war?

Reply

beastiness | 14

#5483823 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 18:53

Women weren't allowed to fight in war until around the time of Vietnam and still are restricted from infantry and special forces unit so no PTSD is not the problem

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#5484384 - Thursday 9 May 2013 2:07

You don't have to be in actually infantry combat to suffer from PTSD. Look at military surgeons for instance.

Reply

my_name_is_earl | 9

#5484641 - Thursday 9 May 2013 6:51

Allllllllrighhtttt lets not get technical here