Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't...

By bummer - 25/11/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

British Broadcasting Corporation

Live dumping

By "refines" - 23/9/2017 16:00

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

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By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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By munnyfish - 7/11/2009 07:16 - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

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By notrocketscience - 7/5/2012 15:57 - United States - West Monroe

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By kthx - 22/10/2009 12:26 - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By bastardchild_01 - 17/10/2012 06:22 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after much reluctance due to fear of causing a huge debate, I finally posted something on Facebook about the presidential debates. However, the post sparked an argument with my mom's childhood best friend, that ended with her telling me that my dad isn't actually my dad. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By professionalmedicineman - 11/8/2016 19:25 - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

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By Kellye - 16/9/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 16:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a swim in his pool. I was hoping that the swim would be somewhat romantic, however, that came to an abrupt end when he decided that it would be cool and funny to try and lift me up by my boobs. FML

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By 50love - 13/12/2011 05:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML

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By DisturbedMan - 15/1/2014 22:29 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, as if having to endure the noises of my parents having sex in the next room wasn't painful enough, my mom decided to shout, "Yeah! Like a horse!" I want to cry. FML

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By scarred - 27/7/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML

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By Gee... Thanks - 3/9/2014 01:35

Today, while my orthodontist was working on my teeth, she made the comment, "Wow! It looks like a murder scene in there!" FML

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By CollegeBoy - 13/4/2011 13:07 - Canada

Today, my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me NOT to go to college, mainly because it's been so long since someone from my high school went to college, that she got rid of all the college information she used to have. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 00:19 - United Kingdom

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

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By legitfile.bat.virus.exe - 20/6/2014 23:03 - United States - Placerville

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2012 05:29 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

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By 1942ford - 23/7/2013 02:18 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

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By Duped - 27/11/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I received the sweetest love letter from my boyfriend after having a bad day. After gushing about it and reading it to my friends, they said it reminded them of a letter that they'd seen online. He got it from a fill-in-the-blank love letter generator. FML

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By crystalwho - 20/1/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

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By dumped - 14/12/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

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By Inod - 7/7/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

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By eaglesmile - 3/4/2015 04:37 - India - Mumbai

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

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By beepbeep - 22/8/2018 03:30

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

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By Beesmakemerun - 10/4/2017 04:00

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

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By anonymous - 7/7/2016 15:24 - United States

Today, my friends woke me up on my birthday by spraying me with silly string. I have a job interview and it won't come out of my hair. FML

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By bandit99999 - 19/8/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By Xtine - 23/6/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while on the road I saw a turtle in the middle of the other lane. I slammed on my brakes and got out, holding up and pissing off several drivers on both sides of the highway. Getting closer to the turtle, I realized that it was not a turtle at all, but a very large pile of dog shit. FML

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By sammyducks227 - 8/11/2013 07:49 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML

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By disappointed - 23/7/2012 01:05

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

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By KnuckleSandwich - 20/7/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

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By pathetic - 31/10/2009 10:08 - Australia

Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML

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By Emma - 5/1/2016 03:08 - United Kingdom - Rawtenstall

Today, I had a job interview where I was asked, "Who is your best friend?" I replied truthfully, "My cat", only to then be asked what my cat would describe as my best qualities, which didn't go far beyond, "Remembering to feed him". They weren't impressed. FML

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By hopelesss88 - 17/6/2010 12:42 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 21:07 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:10 - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

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Top comments

By Phusion | 0

#687509 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 15:06

who the fuck drives to the police station to report a theft? have you heard of a telephone?!?

By swartm34 | 0

#687296 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 11:48

Fuck your neighborhood

Comments

By carson28 | 0

#687228 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:30

get Rick Roll'd!

cucuto89 | 0

#687921 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 20:05

YDI, women should not be driving

parallel | 0

#688168 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 22:42

eff off

xshadyshadow | 0

#991559 - Thursday 13 May 2010 4:57

27, the 50's called, they want their attitude back.

-__-

ronton | 4

#1246479 - Sunday 15 August 2010 17:09

hmm if only there was some way to notify the police of something from your own home... oh wait! it's a phone! dumbass.

sammyprosnit | 8

#1297202 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 0:51

swap batteries? or take the gas from on car and syphin it to the other.

sammyprosnit | 8

#1297211 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 0:54

syphon*

By Airch | 9

#687257 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 10:55

gutting mate. proper soul crushing. FYL =P

By Nissi | 17

#687260 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 10:59

I moderated this one, but it isn't written the same. She said her mom was in China or something..

By Luckster | 0

#687264 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 11:07

Damn...someone really hates you...either that or they're just an asshole.

By Laurasian | 0

#687265 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 11:07

Is it weird that this has totally happened to me too?
Except I couldn't get to work on time and got fired.
That was pretty lame.....but I know how you feel lol.