Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was... - FML

By lohandork - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

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Serious times

Always ask for documentation

Some winners…

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By heartattack

Today, after I moved into my new 1930's house, my elderly rescue dog raised her hackles and stared at the wall behind my bed for two full minutes. I thought she might have recognized something from her old job. She's a retired cadaver dog. I guess I'm never sleeping, again. FML

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By kaichennnxx - United States

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

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By devdevdev - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I went on a date with this girl. Turns out she's a software developer, too. Our date became a technical discussion. FML

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By Dummy

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Mittagong

Today, I had to give a speech as part of my campaign for school captain. I was rather happy with it and so I told another candidate my speech. Apparently it was a good idea as minutes later that same candidate stole my entire speech, leaving me looking like a complete idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today seemed like a great day. Right up until the point to where I accidentally damaged a friend's MacBook Pro. Not only do I have to pay for it, but the only way I'll be able to afford it is by returning every single Christmas gift I get. FML

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By RoxMySox - United States

Today, I got into a car accident. I got into it because I noticed a flashy new sign on the highway that read "Being an attentive driver prevents car crashes". Thanks for the notice. FML

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By coolhand - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family invited a bunch of their friends over for a party. At some point they decided to play some home videos from many years ago. In one of them, I was 7, I said, "Look Mommy! I can make my pee-pee bigger by doing this!" Everyone saw and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous

Worth it.

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me the only reason he has stayed with me for the last 6 months is because of the Netflix account. FML

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By thisiswhyimsingle - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

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By Ughhhhh - United States - Stockton

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

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By Charitable - United States - San Francisco

Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML

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By LY2

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

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By unhappy - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

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By drewig - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I was pulled over by a cop. She asked why I was being pulled over and figuring she knew I said, "For swerving because of my alcohol problem." I had a broken tail light. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

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By gb739 - United States

Today, I called my boss and said, "I have been awake since 3 a.m. throwing up." He replied, "Great, see you at 9." and hung up. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By jzappe - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Jelgava

Today, in the middle of examining me, my gynecologist suddenly took a sharp intake of breath and vomited on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Thanks.

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to cut class with one of my friends and we ended up going to Burger King. As we sat down at the table, I heard my name being called. My mum was getting lunch through the drive thru with my little brother and saw my car parked out front. FML

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By TJFuentes - United States - Appleton

Today, someone walking my way started waving. I waved back until I realized he wasn't looking at me. To make things worse, while walking past he said, "Get a fucking friend." FML

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By single - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By disciplinaryaction - United States

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

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By never again - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

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By Hatemyjobbb

Today, my boss had me walk a mile to the nearest store to get food for a party because she didn't want to lose her parking space at work. Her shopping list had two gallons of juice and a 10lb bag of ice... I had my legs and arms. FML

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By

Love sex

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML

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By Ben - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

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By - 10/1/2020 18:00

Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By momolee - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

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By preggers - United Kingdom

Today, I entered the crowded bus and one man sitting in the priority seat glanced at me. Upon seeing my protruding tummy, he quickly offered me his seat. I took the seat. I am not pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6612740 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:35

Drunk driving
Talking and driving
Drowsy driving
Texting and driving
Reading and driving
Applying makeup and driving
Road sex

I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

By cfojo | 19

#6612728 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Well, either way you were distracted. Try to be more careful!

COMMENTS

By samsterling | 19

#6612727 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

farmgirl98 | 14

#6612778 - Monday 23 May 2016 3:04

Sorry you're getting down-voted... You made me laugh anyway;)

Reply

TMO2142 | 25

#6613911 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 17:47

Bad day today and i read this comment. Thanks for making me laugh

By cfojo | 19

#6612728 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Well, either way you were distracted. Try to be more careful!

By nonsensical | 26

#6612729 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:16

The dangers of picking your nose and driving... YDI for not being focused on the road.

By otakupowers | 7

#6612731 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:23

Well, at least it wasn't a cop and you didn't get a ticket.

By tranced_ | 44

#6612734 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:26

you were picking your nose and he thought you were texting? he should be careful on the roads himself #justsayin

By CutePichu | 11

#6612735 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:26

The category your follow is in is glitches for me :(

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6612825 - Monday 23 May 2016 4:55

What?

Reply

Sudoc | 28

#6612964 - Monday 23 May 2016 8:54

The category for this post shows up as "fml.category.ui.11". At least it does for me.

Reply

bodyguerdson | 16

#6613017 - Monday 23 May 2016 12:19

I don't know why you are downvoted, your comment is correct: it is glitched

By Kershme123 | 2

#6612739 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:33

what the actual fuck?! this story makes absolutely no fucking sense! is this what you call adults?!

By DocBastard | 38

#6612740 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:35

Drunk driving
Talking and driving
Drowsy driving
Texting and driving
Reading and driving
Applying makeup and driving
Road sex

I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

Reply

Halfass | 8

#6612768 - Monday 23 May 2016 2:32

Driving and booger admiring

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6612812 - Monday 23 May 2016 4:31

Talking and driving? Must be very boring driving with you...

Aside from that, I agree with every point on your list.

Reply

naviajack626 | 16

#6612906 - Monday 23 May 2016 7:05

He probably meant talking on the phone.

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6613430 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:05

I think you forgot to add those who change clothes while driving, like my mom does. It drives me crazy!

By ClitasaurusRex | 3

#6612751 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:55

Fucking gross

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6612762 - Monday 23 May 2016 2:17

What the fuck? Get a tissue next time, that's nasty.