Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was... - FML

By lohandork - 22/5/2016 17:33 - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Nice neighborhood

Long story short

By JimmyT - 3/3/2013 22:21 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML

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By Username - 3/6/2011 14:04 - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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By ouchbrow - 10/8/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By auscop - 17/9/2009 10:57 - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

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By non-baker - 18/3/2015 02:12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

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By thecathater - 9/7/2013 13:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

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By creepedasfuck - 23/9/2012 16:50 - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

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By crazychick - 19/8/2009 16:40 - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

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By haveahappyperiod - 4/10/2013 09:39

Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML

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By davetherave1983 - 9/9/2015 05:09 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - 14/2/2015 09:46 - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2019 20:00

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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By crazycatlady - 24/8/2016 09:43 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

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By "Sonofaquiche" - 7/5/2017 00:00

No Ragerts

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By DietWater - 7/8/2015 22:13 - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

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By Gumfanatic302 - 7/5/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

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By ghostyyy - 24/7/2010 23:21 - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

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By ldrik1 - 11/6/2014 20:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my psycho neighbor finished building a cannon. An honest-to-god, on-wheels, could-be-on-a-pirate-ship cannon. And now he's testing it in the forest by my house. I'm pretty scared for my life, to be honest. FML

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By James - 12/8/2011 07:54 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 00:17 - Israel

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

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By for fuck sake dad - 2/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By man down! man down... - 1/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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By franzbiel - 31/10/2009 12:54 - Switzerland

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

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By frenchfrypotater - 24/9/2009 23:50 - United States

Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

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By jill - 8/5/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, after weeks of money slowly disappearing from the stash in my bedroom, I confronted my son about it. I'm not sure which is worse: that my son is a thief or that he actually blamed his father for it. We've been divorced and haven't spoken for eight years. FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 17:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

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By snow - 17/11/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By gooddriver - 15/10/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I was involved in a wreck. How quickly did the police arrive at the scene? Very quickly, considering he was the one who rear-ended me at a red light. FML

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By Tom - 7/11/2008 12:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I crawled into bed at 2 in the morning. At 6 am, the telephone rang, waking me up. It was a wrong number. FML

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By pokèscared - 10/3/2020 05:00

Go away

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 17:22 - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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By 4evalone - 22/4/2016 18:06 - United States

Today, the man I love, who broke my heart by leaving me a few months ago, showed up to a family event and pulled off the most elaborate, romantic proposal I've ever seen. He was proposing to my cousin. FML

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By lpspann87 - 24/9/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2015 18:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

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By Bawsack - 6/4/2017 00:00

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

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By - 25/2/2020 20:00

Fight Club

Today, my girlfriend asked how I was feeling, because I’ve been feeling down and experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. I said was feeling a lot better and that I finally think I’m on my way to getting well. She didn't agree, and started a fight about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6612740 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:35

Drunk driving
Talking and driving
Drowsy driving
Texting and driving
Reading and driving
Applying makeup and driving
Road sex

I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

By cfojo | 19

#6612728 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Well, either way you were distracted. Try to be more careful!

Comments

By samsterling | 19

#6612727 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

farmgirl98 | 14

#6612778 - Monday 23 May 2016 3:04

Sorry you're getting down-voted... You made me laugh anyway;)

Reply

TMO2142 | 25

#6613911 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 17:47

Bad day today and i read this comment. Thanks for making me laugh

By cfojo | 19

#6612728 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Well, either way you were distracted. Try to be more careful!

By nonsensical | 26

#6612729 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:16

The dangers of picking your nose and driving... YDI for not being focused on the road.

By otakupowers | 7

#6612731 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:23

Well, at least it wasn't a cop and you didn't get a ticket.

By tranced_ | 43

#6612734 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:26

you were picking your nose and he thought you were texting? he should be careful on the roads himself #justsayin

By CutePichu | 11

#6612735 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:26

The category your follow is in is glitches for me :(

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6612825 - Monday 23 May 2016 4:55

What?

Reply

Sudoc | 28

#6612964 - Monday 23 May 2016 8:54

The category for this post shows up as "fml.category.ui.11". At least it does for me.

Reply

bodyguerdson | 16

#6613017 - Monday 23 May 2016 12:19

I don't know why you are downvoted, your comment is correct: it is glitched

By Kershme123 | 2

#6612739 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:33

what the actual fuck?! this story makes absolutely no fucking sense! is this what you call adults?!

By DocBastard | 38

#6612740 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:35

Drunk driving
Talking and driving
Drowsy driving
Texting and driving
Reading and driving
Applying makeup and driving
Road sex

I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

Reply

Halfass | 8

#6612768 - Monday 23 May 2016 2:32

Driving and booger admiring

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6612812 - Monday 23 May 2016 4:31

Talking and driving? Must be very boring driving with you...

Aside from that, I agree with every point on your list.

Reply

naviajack626 | 16

#6612906 - Monday 23 May 2016 7:05

He probably meant talking on the phone.

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6613430 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:05

I think you forgot to add those who change clothes while driving, like my mom does. It drives me crazy!

By ClitasaurusRex | 3

#6612751 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:55

Fucking gross

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6612762 - Monday 23 May 2016 2:17

What the fuck? Get a tissue next time, that's nasty.