Transportation: Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was... - FML

By lohandork - United Kingdom - Roehampton

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the bogey I'd just picked from my nose. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Family ties

Landmine

By Nickki - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

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By hairstylistprobs - United States

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Point Pleasant Beach

Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

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By gui909 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

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By yourebeautiful - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By wtfseriously - United States

Today, my mom and I had an argument about my laziness. We did this as I was eating uncooked rice because I didn't want to have to walk to the kitchen and put it into the microwave. FML

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By f*ck - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

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By pimplesapparently - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

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By Fauxgeek

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By he's a dawk, and a cunt - Australia - Darling Point

Today, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' barbecue. He knew my family is extremely religious, so what did he do? Called for silence to make an announcement, namely: "God isn't real." Cue a riot that ended in us being kicked out and me all but disowned for "putting him up to it". FML

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By Hungry - United States - Appleton

Today, I got written up at work for clocking back in from lunch early. Yesterday I got a verbal warning for coming back late. I'm scared to go to lunch at all now. FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By arghhh - United States

Today, I finished my internship working in a government lab. I got paid $4000 for the summer. I was talking to my cousin, who said that when he worked as a carnie last summer he made $8000. I get paid half as much for doing research as a carnie does for serving people sno-cones. FML

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By Schrewt - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

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By cj123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

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By wtfdad - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

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By Xbieblette51 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

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By BritishDates

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

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By bchorror - 22/4/2020 02:00

One ring to…

Today, I went to take out my NuvaRing. To my surprise, I couldn’t find it. I’ve had unprotected sex almost every day this month. I don’t know when it fell out. FML

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By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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By Leauge - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By Vac - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

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By dumb - United States

Today, I found out that I was held back in preschool because of some developmental issues. My parents didn't think it was important enough to mention it to me. Why hadn't I figured it out? They also lied to me about how old I was. FML

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By anon - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML

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By enriquegay - United States

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By Upset - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw out my old voicemail recorder, thinking it was junk. My father passed away years ago. I kept a recording of the last voicemail he'd left me on it so I'd always remember his voice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 20:08

Sharing is caring

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 23:00

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Today, I tried to make breakfast. I had everything cooking on the stove when I reached to turn on the faucet, only to find out that the head of the faucet was up the sleeve of my robe. After drying off, I went to serve my boyfriend his plate, but when I returned, the stove had caught fire. FML

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By sugarbeet - United States

Sounds nice

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

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By WhyMe - United States

Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML

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By Simms - United States

Today, I got back to work at my hospital after some sick leave. The first jackass to waste my time was a guy with leg lacerations. This, he claimed, was because he tried to break a samurai sword over his leg as part of a bet. It's day one and already I want to kill myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 13:59

Check these out, guys!

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

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By ambled - United States

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

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By picklebug - United States - Minneapolis

Funny, thanks

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

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By drpepperking10 - United States

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#6612740 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:35

Drunk driving
Talking and driving
Drowsy driving
Texting and driving
Reading and driving
Applying makeup and driving
Road sex

I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

By cfojo | 19

#6612728 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Well, either way you were distracted. Try to be more careful!

COMMENTS

By samsterling | 19

#6612727 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

farmgirl98 | 14

#6612778 - Monday 23 May 2016 3:04

Sorry you're getting down-voted... You made me laugh anyway;)

Reply

TMO2142 | 25

#6613911 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 17:47

Bad day today and i read this comment. Thanks for making me laugh

By cfojo | 19

#6612728 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:15

Well, either way you were distracted. Try to be more careful!

By nonsensical | 26

#6612729 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:16

The dangers of picking your nose and driving... YDI for not being focused on the road.

By otakupowers | 7

#6612731 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:23

Well, at least it wasn't a cop and you didn't get a ticket.

By tranced_ | 44

#6612734 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:26

you were picking your nose and he thought you were texting? he should be careful on the roads himself #justsayin

By CutePichu | 11

#6612735 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:26

The category your follow is in is glitches for me :(

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6612825 - Monday 23 May 2016 4:55

What?

Reply

Sudoc | 28

#6612964 - Monday 23 May 2016 8:54

The category for this post shows up as "fml.category.ui.11". At least it does for me.

Reply

bodyguerdson | 16

#6613017 - Monday 23 May 2016 12:19

I don't know why you are downvoted, your comment is correct: it is glitched

By Kershme123 | 2

#6612739 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:33

what the actual fuck?! this story makes absolutely no fucking sense! is this what you call adults?!

By DocBastard | 38

#6612740 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:35

Drunk driving
Talking and driving
Drowsy driving
Texting and driving
Reading and driving
Applying makeup and driving
Road sex

I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

Reply

Halfass | 8

#6612768 - Monday 23 May 2016 2:32

Driving and booger admiring

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6612812 - Monday 23 May 2016 4:31

Talking and driving? Must be very boring driving with you...

Aside from that, I agree with every point on your list.

Reply

naviajack626 | 16

#6612906 - Monday 23 May 2016 7:05

He probably meant talking on the phone.

Reply

Sora_McKain | 36

#6613430 - Monday 23 May 2016 22:05

I think you forgot to add those who change clothes while driving, like my mom does. It drives me crazy!

By ClitasaurusRex | 3

#6612751 - Monday 23 May 2016 1:55

Fucking gross

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6612762 - Monday 23 May 2016 2:17

What the fuck? Get a tissue next time, that's nasty.