Intimacy: Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked... - FML

By whatadisappointmnet - United States

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

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Broken heart

Own it

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By afraidtoburn - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By anonomous - United States

Today, after years of secretly faking my orgasms, my husband gave me my first real one. Afterward was also the first time he ever accused me of faking it because, "It was different from all the other times." FML

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By Bethany - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By HidenSeek - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, I was walking to the bus stop. I saw a chunk of ice and attempted to kick it. Sadly it was frozen to the ground, so I fell, broke my toe, and missed the bus. Even the bus driver was laughing as he drove by. FML

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By emilygreeny - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By screwedfortheweek - United States

Today, I started a new job. After being trained on several obscure computer programs I'm expected to use in just one day, my new boss informed me she's going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow. She's the only other person who knows how this program runs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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By Japaroni - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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By amanda - United States - Lafayette

Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By proudparent - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

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By Jim - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

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By man - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

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By Kaite

Today, I was working at Subway when a middle-aged lady demanded that I give her a sandwich for free. When I refused, she took out a spray bottle of water and sprayed me in the face, like a cat. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

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By dumbass1991 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, I discovered that the ancient looking coin I dug up in my front yard is worth hundreds of dollars. Too bad I found that coin when I was eight years old, and have since misplaced it. FML

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By tdtf - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

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By Username

Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML

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By GoAggies - United States - Herriman

Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML

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By SpaceAstronaut - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML

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By JK710 - United States

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 11:01

Odd one out

Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents held a big family dinner at our house. Being the only underage person there, I had to sit there while everyone got progressively drunker and started commenting on how eerily similar I look to Shamu the whale. FML

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By RDS

Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML

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By Isuckreallybad - 6/2/2021 21:30 - United States

Narcolepsy

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep during sex. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up to the smell of bacon. It smelled so good, and made me very hungry. Then I realized it was my neighbor cooking. I have no money or bacon. FML

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By chloeleigholivia - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 11:05 - Australia

Unforgettable

Today, it's my birthday, I once again had to remind my best friend of this fact, like I have every year for the past 20 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

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Top comments

By fenceme235 | 0

#3547691 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:32

Hope he ment yours

By spyman178 | 0

#3547690 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:32

Meow

COMMENTS

By spyman178 | 0

#3547690 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:32

Meow

Reply

akayc32 | 0

#3547746 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:38

Charming..

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#3547857 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:59

An honest man, like every boyfriend should be :)

Reply

amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3547884 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:06

Bark.

Seriously this reminds me of Happy Gilmore. "Happy place" haha.

Reply

DKParth13 | 5

#3547896 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:08

One word .... Plural!

Reply

xXPurpl3Xx | 0

#3547936 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:15

He is my fuckin' GOD!

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3547978 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:23

^^^
likes to fuck gods

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#3548296 - Sunday 6 November 2011 3:44

thats quite funny. i dont think thats an fml at all hahahaa

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3548468 - Sunday 6 November 2011 4:40

^ well fucking a god would be simply divine...

Reply

TurdTickler4eva | 0

#3548714 - Sunday 6 November 2011 6:01

In the butt

Reply

LiyIa_fml | 8

#3548756 - Sunday 6 November 2011 6:17

I hope the boyfriend was joking. If not I would slap him and break up with him.

Reply

FYLDipShit | 4

#3548770 - Sunday 6 November 2011 6:26

Liyla you would break up with him for telling the truth? I find that kind of strange since girls always put on Facebook, twitter, etc. that they have always wanted a guy that's honest with them. Maybe you're different and don't like honest guys but most would rather have an honest boyfriend who they know they can trust.

By fenceme235 | 0

#3547691 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:32

Hope he ment yours

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#3547795 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:47

Seeing as it's plural.

Reply

leadman1989 | 15

#3547904 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:10

She's got

*makes face pinches loaf

Pussy galore

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#3547917 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:12

Ata' Boy

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#3547919 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:12

Ata' Boy

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3547928 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:14

THREESOME!!!

Sorry that was uncalled for...

I'll crawl back into my hole now

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3547998 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:28

The only uncalled for threesome I've ever heard of was Hillary, Joe, and Barack.
You did just fine.

Reply

SimoneDymond | 3

#3548014 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:30

Haha I LOL'ED at 39's comment!! :)

Reply

AlexanderSilver | 0

#3548057 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:42

I applaud you, 50.

Reply

youcunthole | 0

#3548782 - Sunday 6 November 2011 6:32

52, cool story bro

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3548926 - Sunday 6 November 2011 8:13

58- I applaud your pic. XD

Reply

mexicutioner123 | 0

#3550984 - Sunday 6 November 2011 20:27

Meant*

Reply

AlexanderSilver | 0

#3552738 - Monday 7 November 2011 4:46

Well thank you lol

By hobo09 | 3

#3547694 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:32

Hahaha

By fentron | 3

#3547705 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:34

Unless it's yours, then you got a problem.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3547828 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:53

what's wrong with innocent fantasies its not like he's cheating

By YourDone6 | 8

#3547711 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:34

offer him some happy place

Reply

glittercookies | 12

#3548043 - Sunday 6 November 2011 2:38

"would you like to be In a happy place too baby?"

Reply

hahalaughing | 0

#3548198 - Sunday 6 November 2011 3:20

hahaha 55

Reply

Iheartfunny | 1

#3548219 - Sunday 6 November 2011 3:24

OPs bf knows his shit

Reply

RawrForYaoi | 0

#3550830 - Sunday 6 November 2011 19:28

At least he was honest c:

By heyred | 11

#3547714 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:34

Wow, plural. FYL.

Reply

fo_86 | 0

#3554519 - Monday 7 November 2011 16:57

Ya multiple isn't a good sign

By mcbabe10 | 0

#3547717 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:35

That's freakin great!!

By EvilPotato | 14

#3547724 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:35

That's a good response that means he likes sex, nothing bad about that.

Reply

private1111 | 0

#3548955 - Sunday 6 November 2011 8:33

Why are people thumbing down the true things here haha? Now theyll thumb me down.

By SirSquishyPants | 1

#3547725 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:35

That's my happy place too!

By Joey44 | 15

#3547727 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:36

He can be in multiple pussies at the same time? The man must be a mutant!

Reply

michael509 | 1

#3547740 - Sunday 6 November 2011 1:38

Or just that freaking good!

Reply

Lanceeden | 12

#3548836 - Sunday 6 November 2011 6:59

Lala

Reply

Lanceeden | 12

#3548845 - Sunday 6 November 2011 7:04

Leopard slugs have penises in their head.

Takes giving head to a whole new level.

Reply

xXshadowrollerXx | 6

#3548862 - Sunday 6 November 2011 7:28

Or perhaps he isn't a man at all, and is simply an octopus.