Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom,... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 17:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

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Crowded House

The student becomes the master

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 23/7/2013 04:48 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

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By Glassjaw - 1/8/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had gotten tipsy and found ourselves in the bedroom. We started to fool around and she leaned over to put her watch on the nightstand. I tried to undo her bra, which surprised her, because she elbowed me in the nose so hard that I ended up passing out from the pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife went into the bathroom at Walmart. Being almost sure there was no one else in there, I stood around the corner to scare her. As the door opened, I jumped around the corner and scared an innocent woman to so badly she peed herself. FML

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By itswhateverr - 3/5/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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By mlove - 6/9/2010 08:35 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2015 06:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

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By Nutellalover - 19/10/2012 14:19 - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

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By M. Moore - 10/6/2019 18:00

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

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By Never Going Back To The Doctor - 4/7/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, at the doctor's, I had lots of papers to fill out so my boyfriend offered to help. We submitted them and the doctor called me a few minutes later. Under disorders my boyfriend had written, "Major cock craving disorder." The doctor couldn't stop giggling. FML

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By dreamdude - 20/9/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

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By FilthyIke - 21/8/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

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By aviators - 7/4/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

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By Jon - 7/6/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

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By nitroman64 - 30/7/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

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By babygurl69 - 20/1/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

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By kmtranter - 28/12/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2019 00:03

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

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By whyyyyyme - 4/8/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

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By bird-brain - 21/11/2009 12:19 - Germany

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

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By MDoremis - 28/8/2016 19:24 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

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By Flopera - 12/5/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

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By max - 7/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

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By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By naomids - 30/12/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By In Pain - 11/1/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - 18/4/2014 18:24 - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 04:03 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

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By archer - 20/11/2008 11:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend who has just returned from his 3 month placement abroad cancelled our date. Why? Because there was a match England vs Germany. A friendly match. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2018 20:30

Today, I rested my face against my boyfriend's shoulder while we watched a movie. I didn’t realize he had put Icy Hot on the same shoulder right before I sat down. I cried in pain. He cried with laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 15:06 - United States

Today, I was on my way to work and someone cut me off. I then switched lanes and sped past the person as I flipped them off. What I didn't notice was that the person that cut me off was my boss. He's been shooting me dirty looks from across the room all morning. FML

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By Azure_Mist - 27/1/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 09:40 - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

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By blegh - 16/1/2009 04:57 - Switzerland

Today, I reached for my beer and took a huge swallow before I realized that I had picked up my friend's tobacco spit cup. "Vomit" is not a strong enough word to describe what happened next. FML

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By not getting any - 31/3/2020 08:00

Weeks?

Today, I’m allergic to all forms of hormonal birth control, and due to the virus outbreak, I can’t get my implant replaced. We’re in quarantine, and my boyfriend and I just used our last condom. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML

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By justpeachy1989 - 26/5/2016 14:06 - Australia

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - 31/8/2012 19:20 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2014 00:52 - United States - Ithaca

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's house, and he was taking a shower. I had to take a crap real bad, but his apartment only has the one bathroom. I couldn't wait for him to finish, and ended having to shit in a plastic bag. FML

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Top comments

By Blackhawk706 | 23

#6387504 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:04

Next time just stop at a gas station

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6387501 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:04

Well...did he still give you the ticket?

Comments

By jaspinkgrl01 | 18

#6387501 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:04

Well...did he still give you the ticket?

Reply

wangwong | 8

#6388366 - Saturday 22 August 2015 1:45

When you gotta go... you gotta go..

By Blackhawk706 | 23

#6387504 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:04

Next time just stop at a gas station

Reply

Aalejandro77 | 12

#6387808 - Friday 21 August 2015 16:07

I'm guessing op wasn't near a toilet/gas station other wise they probably would have.

Reply

ksks1234 | 33

#6388041 - Friday 21 August 2015 20:08

Depending where in Texas op lives, there are long stretches of nothing.

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6388508 - Saturday 22 August 2015 5:06

State troopers are assholes in Texas, or maybe cops in most areas are lenient. They will stop you if you're even 1mph over the speed limit. In Houston, you can go 9mph above the speed limit and they won't do anything.

By majesticprincess | 19

#6387515 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:09

Probably took his sweet ass time just to be a dick. -.- ftp

By fhlakd | 25

#6387516 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:09

That's what they all say...

By ninjamadi | 16

#6387530 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:15

That's when you get out of the car and squat or un zip (doesn't say what OP is) and piss there beside your car. bet he'd believe you then

Reply

lovelockdown23 | 23

#6387541 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:23

yeap he'd believe him and then write him another ticket.

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#6387557 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:37

Then get slapped with an indecent exposure charge and possibly have to register as a sex offender.

YEAH!

Reply

CoffeeChickBlows | 13

#6387571 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:45

Relax, he'd get shot way before any of that shit.

Reply

DippinGrizzly907 | 27

#6387584 - Friday 21 August 2015 8:01

Buahahahaha, that's terrible #14!! But so funny ahaha. "No worries. You'll end up with a bullet to the knee before getting a ticket."

On a serious and sad note, that's very very possible nowadays...

Reply

KaidensCrow | 18

#6387677 - Friday 21 August 2015 10:26

indecent exposure is a nice fat go straight to jail card, do not pass go. do not collect $200. in some places he'd probably get hit with extra charges just for the he'll of it.

Reply

itsme82 | 18

#6387716 - Friday 21 August 2015 12:36

You weren't serious were you? Please tell me you were kidding.

Reply

ninjamadi | 16

#6388175 - Friday 21 August 2015 22:18

sarcasm is lost on the Internet. sorry I even tried

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6389670 - Sunday 23 August 2015 6:02

ever thought you are just not as funny as you think you are?

By QQMorePlox | 18

#6387538 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:22

Cops can be such assholes, it's like they're not even human sometimes. Sorry OP.

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6387570 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:44

People who generalise a whole community of people, based on actions of a few can be such an asshole, don't you think? And no i am not even remotely related to any cop

Reply

The_Basileus | 9

#6387694 - Friday 21 August 2015 11:23

Or maybe, just maybe, the cop is just tired of all the crappy excuses from people trying to talk their way out of tickets that he just didn't believe the OP.

Reply

samlovesham1234 | 9

#6388216 - Friday 21 August 2015 23:11

Off topic I know, but love your Grumpy Cat icon.

And yes not all cops are mean, just the select few that end up in the news.

Reply

tdawg91 | 17

#6388405 - Saturday 22 August 2015 2:55

When you hear enough excuses, you get over it really fast.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6387562 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:42

You have every reason to be pissed. You should have whizzed right there to make it obvious. Then again, he might cite you for indecent exposure...

By pooldude | 24

#6387563 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:42

Pissing on yourself is like having an amazing friend. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling it gives you!

By ohmissjane | 24

#6387565 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:42

Should have just pulled over earlier and gone or done it before you left

By townailz | 16

#6387569 - Friday 21 August 2015 7:44

Not everyone can just stop at a gas station. He could have been miles from one.