Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months.... - FML

By GreatAim - 23/9/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

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Breaking Badly

They're everywhere

Bustin' my ass

By "penne_pasta580802" - 23/1/2020 14:00

Ultimately

Today, I decided to take my car to work as I had some errands to do after. I only live a few blocks away. After driving round to find a car park for ages, the closest car park available was outside my house. I ended up walking to work instead. FML

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By kb - 18/11/2013 06:38 - United States

Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML

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By Felix - 5/12/2018 14:30 - Ireland

Today, my 1 month old kitten peed all over my kitchen floor. I wanted to get some water out of one of drawers and slipped on the piss. My phone shattered and i dislocated my arm. FML

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By coolcucumber - 10/9/2010 20:40 - United States

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

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By hottygirl905 - 24/4/2012 11:50 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By dumbblonde - 13/7/2019 00:31

Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML

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By JessThompson - 5/12/2012 16:50 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, after telling my young kids all about Santa, his reindeer and his sleigh, we saw him. Smoking a cigarette in the beat-up car next to ours at a red light. FML

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By EK - 16/2/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML

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By pyrogypsy - 24/10/2014 01:05 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

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By saywhat - 9/4/2013 11:05 - United States - Yakima

Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

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By krushr - 23/1/2011 05:32 - Canada

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 09:45

Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML

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By kittyjoe - 8/8/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

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By woohoo420 - 4/4/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

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By squirrel - 9/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By Ambar - 15/2/2010 17:02 - Canada

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

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By treeless - 24/12/2011 08:11 - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 05:27 - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By Ow - 18/4/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

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By Henry - 13/10/2019 13:00

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By facepalm - 28/12/2010 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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By phone-less - 17/12/2015 02:47 - United States - East Peoria

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

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By Rachel247 - 1/8/2009 23:13 - Israel

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2019 22:30

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

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By JimmyJazzNJ - 12/4/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

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By Classicmen - 19/6/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

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By sarah - 11/2/2012 06:36 - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 17:02

Too much of a good thing

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

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By ilovemom - 1/12/2009 06:20 - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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By Silentshdw13 - 14/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 00:41 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I had to take my little brother to the pool. He acted like a brat the whole time, and when I told him we were leaving, he ran away, slipped, and hit his face on the tile floor. He told my dad and step-mom I punched him. They believed him, and I'm grounded for two months. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 07:15 - United States - Petrolia

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, everyone in my department got a raise except for me. Last week, I had been the one who asked for a raise for me and my fellow department members. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

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By Alex - 7/10/2010 10:10 - United States

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

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By grubbieduc - 6/10/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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Top comments

By MiniatureMayhem | 0

#581711 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:41

Chihuahuas tend to do that.

By 1m_b0r3d | 0

#581720 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:46

umm.....yeah....my dog did that once and it is a pekingnese.....she peed on my crotch when i picked her up....

COMMENTS

By MiniatureMayhem | 0

#581711 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:41

Chihuahuas tend to do that.

Reply

Trollinggx3 | 0

#582317 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 19:34

Piss in my eye!!

Reply

the_stereotype | 0

#583309 - Thursday 24 September 2009 5:26

chihuahuas freak me out

Reply

planbsponserme | 2

#1122276 - Thursday 22 July 2010 5:41

what did you expect dumb ass. they have small bladders that can't take pressure and excitement. ydi

Reply

supertacowaffle | 41

#2024877 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:34

chihuahas are rats

By 1m_b0r3d | 0

#581720 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:46

umm.....yeah....my dog did that once and it is a pekingnese.....she peed on my crotch when i picked her up....

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#581723 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:48

ugh!!!
thats gross
i remember in show-and-tell in like fourth grade some kids brought in his frog and it pissed while he was presenting it and the moron just let it do its thing. all over us.

By 4ddie | 0

#581733 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:59

I hope you washed your face/eyes after. c:

By SquareBox39 | 0

#581734 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 12:59

YDI for having a cat. 1st

Reply

that_guy321 | 2

#581795 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 14:03

you, my good sir/ma'am, fail miserably

Reply

Cazly_420 | 0

#583282 - Thursday 24 September 2009 5:10

or 5th....
Even though no one cares what number you are.

Reply

radman | 0

#583324 - Thursday 24 September 2009 5:38

Fail miserably doesn't seem quite adequate.

By Pointy130 | 0

#581744 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 13:18

This is why chihuahuas suck.

By Serial_Killer | 0

#581756 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 13:40

if u had a real dog u wouldn't have had to pick it up. your fault for being dumb enough to put a small dog near ur face.

Reply

sobe23 | 0

#582416 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 20:30

a dog is a dog no matter how small! I have a chihuahua and I couldn't ask for a better dog! She can't knock people over, she doesn't hog up the bed, she doesn't eat as much as big dogs (so cheaper), and she loves everyone unconditionally!

By Ranoona | 0

#581759 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 13:42

did it sting? But that is gross.

By melissasmile21 | 0

#581777 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 13:54

i have a chihuahua and every time i come home it gets excited and when i pat it, it urinates on the floor.
how fun.

By Intoxicunt | 5

#581844 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 14:38

Ouch. Golden eye from a dog. That should be illegal.

Reply

Koalafrau_fml | 0

#582572 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 22:00

Makes me wonder 'bout James Bond... I had never contemplated the double-meaning...