Love: Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat...

By Madagascar - Australia

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

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Love

Serious times

Messed up

This Charming Man

By baconlady - United States

Today, I bought some perfume that I thought smelled absolutely amazing. Later, my boyfriend walked in, sniffed, and said, "What smells like bacon?" The bottle cost $83. They won't take a refund. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

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By TooFast - Australia - Mount Druitt

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By Anonytard - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

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By firefliiez - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

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By XLhottie - United States

Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

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By NeedsANewApartment - United States - Wurtsboro

Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML

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By welcome to the neighborhood - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

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By LowerCrust - United States

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I'd been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I've never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn't believe me. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

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By Out of Ice Cream - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

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By heartbroken - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of over a year has been cheating on me the whole time, but that "it's just physical". However, he doesn't want to do anything "physical" with me, except cuddle when we're together. FML

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By Lauren - United Kingdom

Oversharing is caring

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my family. It was going well until my 23 year-old sister started telling him in detail about her constipation, and that if she doesn't take a shit in a few days, it's going to come out of her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML

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By babyfatt - Australia

Today, I handed my resume in to a cafe that was hiring. I returned home and noticed a voicemail, it was one from the boss for a trial. I eagerly returned the call, showing my enthusiasm. Without thinking, I ended with "ok love you. *GASP* ah, BYE" and quickly hung up. FML

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By Frank - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By effmylife - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

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By anon - United States - Bullhead City

Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML

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By ihateumicheal - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to visit me at work. With another girl. FML

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By Christin Deason

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By Amelia

Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML

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By Grace - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

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By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Charlotte

You're a natural

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

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By fineillpissthebedthen - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

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By KittenTitz

Planned parenthood

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By Kelly

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

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By alone - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By LMN - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, instead of watching a movie like a normal family, we performed random acts of kindness by handing out roses to total strangers in the freezing cold. No one would take them. FML

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By nikki - Greece - K

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza online to be delivered to my apartment. After an hour of waiting, I called the pizza place to ask what the problem was. Apparently, the people at the apartment below me took my already paid for pizza and ate it. FML

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By EchoDearEcho - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

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By SimpleSwimmer - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

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By NickJJ - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

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By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

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Top comments

By CableFrog | 3

#727279 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:41

Pussyblocked.

By snafu57 | 1

#727262 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:32

he loves pussy?

COMMENTS

By heartlessagony | 0

#727227 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:16

Maybe he wasn't into it.

snuu_man | 0

#2095178 - Friday 18 February 2011 8:52

there is a pussy joke somewhere here....

Javalounge | 0

#2846611 - Friday 8 July 2011 8:58

Cockblocked by another pussy xD

By razz122 | 5

#727229 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:17

That makes total sense. Or do you want to fuck the cat more than the boyfriend.

Bansheethekilla | 2

#728057 - Sunday 20 December 2009 7:51

It does indeed. or do you want to be charged with bestality

FMLolYDi | 4

#980191 - Friday 16 April 2010 3:39

that's funny I can see my cat doing that but honestly would u wanna keep going with a car watching lol

chaos753159 | 4

#1504670 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 4:44

Their car was watching? :s

JrPeru14 | 0

#1598547 - Monday 25 October 2010 5:17

lmfao fail

Krysk_fml | 0

#3917161 - Saturday 21 January 2012 6:00

84- for your picture, x is 4.58257569495584. just thought I'd let you know

Sockturtle | 17

#5633961 - Monday 19 August 2013 8:05

No... X = 5 in that picture.

MeowntainMix | 18

#6576587 - Friday 8 April 2016 20:56

Lol no it's 5

By riku3220 | 2

#727234 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:20

There is starting to be way too many "He paid more attention to his pet than me..." FMLs

By Ribenalion | 2

#727239 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:23

To be honest I'm the same with my dogs.
Next time, shut the door...

By snafu57 | 1

#727248 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:26

gotta be kidding. where's his priorities

time4coffee | 3

#728271 - Sunday 20 December 2009 12:13

If he's that attached to his cat, be glad you found out now and get away from him

wh4t3v3R | 0

#731034 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 5:23

Can't you be understanding if he wants to save his cat for marriage?

hanhanjr | 0

#982209 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 4:23

^^#65 win =)

By powersmoke | 0

#727251 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:27

The cat saved him from your ugliness.

live_laugh_love2 | 0

#727406 - Saturday 19 December 2009 22:03

that was really mean

lov3ly | 0

#727867 - Sunday 20 December 2009 4:39

thats damnn terrible.

RaidenXS | 0

#727991 - Sunday 20 December 2009 6:40

aussie woman are all ugly

By icedrake523 | 2

#727261 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:31

YDI for dating a guy who owns a cat.

pickle2727 | 0

#727351 - Saturday 19 December 2009 20:46

haha, true!

By snafu57 | 1

#727262 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:32

he loves pussy?

blland | 0

#727267 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:34

blland Likes this.

By CableFrog | 3

#727279 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:41

Pussyblocked.

By BritishHobo | 0

#727296 - Saturday 19 December 2009 19:50

Cue many, oh so many pussy jokes.