Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year - "why is someone...

By sprocket - 28/2/2009 18:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year - "why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" he replied - "opposites attract." FML

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Love

Proactive

Doomed

No justice

By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000 - 6/5/2019 16:00

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 19:50 - Spain - Santa Cruz De Tenerife

Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After a while of this, I finally got up to let her in. When I opened the door, she looked at me, threw up, and scurried away. FML

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By mimi - 27/9/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

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By aireeahna - 20/5/2016 06:04 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By ilovedirt - 10/7/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

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By creamed - 20/2/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 01:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML

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By Mike - 21/2/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By khaelian - 11/11/2010 16:53 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

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By "people these days" - 19/7/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

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By bloodymatzaball - 2/8/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

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By touched - 10/2/2009 11:30 - Philippines

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

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By yoyyo - 7/11/2016 06:29 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

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By BrokeAsHeck - 23/3/2018 15:00

Today, for the second time in a year, I am a victim of bank fraud. All my money was in there, and I move today. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2015 20:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

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By pinkpurplegurl - 24/9/2015 14:33 - China

Today, while taking the subway home, a woman offered me her seat. I smiled and declined. She said she insisted because of my "pregnancy". I was too ashamed to say I'm not pregnant that I just took the seat. FML

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By Cob - 3/2/2009 13:03 - United States

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

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By busted - 2/8/2012 06:53 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got caught shoplifting a toothbrush. I'm flat broke and my roommate used my old one to scrub out her cat's puke stains off the carpet. FML

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By catlover - 20/5/2009 09:07 - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2015 03:07 - United States - Salem

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

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By julia - 11/6/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By lex31 - 14/2/2012 13:24 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

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By 2285morgan - 15/12/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I heard my alarm go off, dragged myself out of bed, had breakfast and got ready for work. As I was heading out the door I checked the time again. It was 1:41 AM. Apparently my alarm never actually went off. FML

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By iwantaraise - 14/10/2015 01:55 - Australia

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

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By lindaf - 2/6/2018 20:30

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

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By Quackadoodledoo - 24/4/2014 02:21 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

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By Whatthe - 18/4/2017 20:00

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

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By askprussia - 27/11/2015 02:32 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

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By Storm - 23/9/2011 03:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

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By C0r1nn3 - 7/6/2012 04:02 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

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By fuck.jpg.bmp.gif.rar.zip.shit - 12/10/2013 20:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

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By jaqlove - 2/7/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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By TheMichaelNixon - 14/11/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 17:24 - Lebanon

Today, while cleaning around the house, I found a black bra that wasn’t mine. I confronted my husband about it, which turned into a massive fight. It turned out that the bra actually belonged to my son’s girlfriend I didn’t know he had. FML

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By maidmyday - 12/8/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 14:15

Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 00:47 - United States - Pensacola

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

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By kittydead - 29/1/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

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Top comments

By billykafka | 0

#9497 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:10

If you took his response seriously you're fucked up.

By alwaysalady | 0

#9555 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:57

He was clearly joking, but you shouldn't fish for compliments. Its unattractive.

COMMENTS

By billykafka | 0

#9497 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:10

If you took his response seriously you're fucked up.

By lamarr | 0

#9521 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:23

LMAO # 8

By Melody_fml | 0

#9525 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:27

well he does sound kinda sweet and in a funny sorta way...but i know it would bother me a bit but thats just cause i'm like OOBER insecure. but it sounds like he may of had good intentions ;]

threer | 30

#6468509 - Monday 23 November 2015 19:28

No one asked if you're "OOBER insecure".

By kier31 | 0

#9529 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:29

Wow. Some people get so emotional about other peoples stories. was dumb boring and ugly really necessary? I don't think so.

you've got yourself a guy with a great sense of humor!
goodluck!

By Spencer_fml | 0

#9535 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:33

He meant it in an "intrests" way like you like different things.

By Radical_fml | 0

#9547 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:46

LOLOL

By alwaysalady | 0

#9555 - Saturday 28 February 2009 23:57

He was clearly joking, but you shouldn't fish for compliments. Its unattractive.

LTMcleod | 0

#822437 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 21:06

your right, it pisses me off

confusedAsFuck | 34

#5629105 - Thursday 15 August 2013 20:22

"your" too..

By Meri_fml | 0

#9563 - Sunday 1 March 2009 0:32

Obviously he was joking, but you should stop trying to get compliments that way, that's not very nice...

By Amkii | 0

#9571 - Sunday 1 March 2009 0:51

#5 - Agreed!

By katieatieay | 0

#9572 - Sunday 1 March 2009 0:51

wow, i could not agree more with #5. seriously, i can't stand it when people say stuff like that.
"oh i'm so ugly, i'm so fat, you're so much prettier than me, wah."
i swear next time someone says this to me, i'll tell them they're right.