Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling... - FML

By SonOfaSpy - 18/7/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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Out of it

Great speech, thanks!

Doomed

By ohn0es - 23/1/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By wreckdit - 12/10/2016 23:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 03:41 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2018 19:00

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By TrueSoulmates - 11/4/2019 12:00

Today, after a year of struggling to get over my anxiety disorder so that I don't have a panic attack every time I go to see my boyfriend, I've been informed that his anxiety has now flared and he gets anxious when texting me. It's a lose-lose, and I'm now causing him the same hell I've felt. FML

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By wobble... - 23/2/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

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By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By don't pray, PAY - 23/3/2017 20:00

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By Justanotherwreck - 20/4/2019 16:00

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

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By dicksonthebrain - 26/9/2014 13:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

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By CrappyValentine - 14/2/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By mooseknuckle - 31/5/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

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By jnp414 - 29/5/2016 01:11 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

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By Humbug - 27/12/2010 00:34 - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By madeline9322 - 20/12/2016 03:15 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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By leaftheerickson - 21/10/2012 10:31 - United States - Bohemia

Today, I tried to do my leaf collection project for biology, which ended with me being hospitalized because of an allergy attack. I have no idea what I'm allergic to, but my doctor says I should just assume I'm "allergic to all leaves, ever." FML

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By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By constipated - 3/6/2017 02:00

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By Shoryugeki III - 7/8/2018 14:30

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

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By sadass - 23/1/2009 12:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2012 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to spice things up by sneaking into the shower with me. Instead, he walked in on me pooping. I only had the shower running because I was afraid he would hear me taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2019 00:02

Sit and stew

Today, my dog and I got sprayed by a skunk. I have no tomato juice or baking soda, and the bus doesn't come for another 3 hours. FML

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By Ashy104 - 9/1/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

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By bad luck? - 19/1/2012 05:44 - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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By Sabre777 - 17/8/2019 22:00

Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 11:39 - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

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By sickkid - 23/11/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

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By dumped - 27/10/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

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By oxbonxo - 7/2/2011 08:38 - Australia

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2012 16:37 - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By jriese444 - 23/12/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2012 22:41 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 22:00

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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By savioyr - 15/8/2018 15:00

Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML

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By gmanbuilder - 8/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Louisville

Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML

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By sunny_ca559 - 3/3/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

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Top comments

By ariannaimelda | 7

#2919843 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:56

He knows too much. Dispose of him quickly.

By elboon | 0

#2919837 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:56

Crazy guy. Go along with it just for the hell of it. :P

COMMENTS

By honeysuckel | 0

#2919822 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Garyy_fml | 11

#2920028 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:05

Whats wrong with being the son of a bacon?

Reply

BaconDave | 12

#2920047 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:06

When you say "lol JK" what you said was pretty much pointless

Reply

tylersign | 11

#2920058 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:07

Read his mind? Seems kind of extreme doesn't it?

Reply

idontcare8l | 3

#2920080 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:09

should have stoped before " that son of a b**** lol JK, son of a spy! "

Reply

honeysuckel | 0

#2920106 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:10

alright, so my comment was lame, I'll admit that. no need to attack tho man.

Reply

Garyy_fml | 11

#2920124 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:12

I'm so sorry. Here, have some imaginary cookies.

Reply

honeysuckel | 0

#2920154 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:16

ouch. your sarcasm hurtss

Reply

WHOWASTHEPHONE | 10

#2920168 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:17

Anybody else think of Alias?

Reply

littlemissFYL | 5

#2920256 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:28

this FML is like the movie "Disturbia." your neighbor should only start worrying if they catch you butchering people.

Reply

zekecastro | 0

#2920443 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:56

new to FML, not to sound dumb but what does OP stand for?

Reply

BaconDave | 12

#2920457 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:58

Octagonal Pelvis

Reply

tylersign | 11

#2920519 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:07

Ominous Parade

Reply

juicedboi | 7

#2920528 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:09

Put a note on his door. "Do you know who I work for? And what will happen to you if I go missing. Best be on your best behavior. Also you know that thing you do in the loungeroom when you think nobody is watching. Stop."

Reply

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#2920532 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:09

Obviously Plastered

Reply

xlord | 27

#2920535 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:09

dont be so mean just tell him. OP means oval penis

Reply

Garyy_fml | 11

#2920547 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:10

Listen 75, I'm going to be nice here and say the real meaning: Orange Platypus.

I too struggled at first, but now you know!

Reply

chrstygrl06 | 10

#2920629 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:20

Orgasmic Pedophile

Reply

BeautyMonster | 17

#2920687 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:27

OP = Original Poster.

Reply

OrgasmicBunnies | 9

#2920719 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:33

Optimus Prime

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#2920920 - Monday 18 July 2011 11:13

It means "Google it".

Reply

dre_bro11 | 12

#2921574 - Monday 18 July 2011 14:31

88 stop lying! The poor bloke comes here and asks politely for the real meaning and you have to lie to him... people these days. So rude!

Reply

LordGoober | 13

#2921822 - Monday 18 July 2011 15:46

OP = Oceanic Plagiogranites

Reply

MizzErikaHart | 8

#2922718 - Monday 18 July 2011 16:34

oily poison

Reply

cobaltjedi | 13

#2922771 - Monday 18 July 2011 16:40

old people

Reply

sandi315 | 0

#2923046 - Monday 18 July 2011 17:27

Orgasmic Penis

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#2923189 - Monday 18 July 2011 17:57

ominous pelicans

Reply

scrapmetal58 | 9

#2923330 - Monday 18 July 2011 18:25

I love touching my OP.

Reply

SarahMae2014 | 10

#2923358 - Monday 18 July 2011 18:31

you soo should, it'd be funny to see what he did

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2923364 - Monday 18 July 2011 18:33

Why is the real meaning of OP always thumbed down, heavily?

OP = obese penis

Reply

OceanProtection | 0

#2923654 - Monday 18 July 2011 19:19

88: Wouldn't mind getting oily with you :P

Reply

OceanProtection | 0

#2923673 - Monday 18 July 2011 19:21

ewe. not 88... -_- 120. sigh

Reply

ohmygodthatsux | 0

#2923971 - Monday 18 July 2011 19:55

I'm favoring this for the OP convo

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#2926011 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 2:25

tell him if he doesn't stop you will erase his mind with your portable d5-nebumind wand or you will cook him alive in his sleep with your hand held microwave laser gun

Reply

steveakafranxy | 7

#2926062 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 2:32

op=original poster (hey, someone has to be serious)

Reply

BShady96 | 0

#2927296 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 5:11

^i will eat your babies

By GreenMaze | 0

#2919830 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:55

creepy huh?

Reply

xlord | 27

#2920002 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:04

"read his mind".......... tell him to wear a tin foil hat

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#2920348 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:42

I'm telling you the government is everywhere! *hides in bomb shelter in a corner hugging a box of giraffe-feed*

Reply

lovexbox | 8

#2920364 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:43

If the neighbor is really that paranoid chances are he is hiding something.

Reply

BeatlesObsessed | 12

#2920394 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:48

Post a note on his door saying, "Stop having phone sex, I'm tired of hearing it." Heck, if he's already paranoid, might as well have a little fun with it.

Reply

flamegrilled123 | 3

#2920636 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:21

tell him to stop thinking of dirty things

Reply

22cute | 17

#2923353 - Monday 18 July 2011 18:29

make him a foil hat, that sould calm him down

Reply

PB4UGAME | 8

#5488108 - Saturday 11 May 2013 22:25

Not at all, he is most likely suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. A genetic having nothing to do with guilt or hiding something.

By CassidyxP | 0

#2919832 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:55

wow that's stupid.

Reply

Garyy_fml | 11

#2920063 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:07

Stupid is harsh.

Some prefer the word "mentally challenged"

Reply

jhull11 | 0

#2920438 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:55

Wow, thanks for that comment. You really contributed to this FML and my whole experience on FML.

Just kidding. Please keep these comments to yourself. You're not helping anyone.

Reply

lightbulbman101 | 4

#2920484 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:02

your stupid

Reply

BeautyMonster | 17

#2920700 - Monday 18 July 2011 10:30

you're** As in, you're welcome.

Reply

xlord | 27

#2921382 - Monday 18 July 2011 13:33

omg stop with the grammar nazis.... it's the Internet not a formal essay

Reply

StudMuffinette | 17

#2922617 - Monday 18 July 2011 16:22

112- amen!!

By elboon | 0

#2919837 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:56

Crazy guy. Go along with it just for the hell of it. :P

Reply

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#2920026 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:05

then op have people across the street watching like their house is area 51 or some shit.

Reply

ilovecookies83 | 0

#2920038 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:06

Yeah I agree! It'll be fun to mind fuck him!

Reply

OakChair | 14

#2922895 - Monday 18 July 2011 17:02

he won't believe you when you deny it anyway, so you may as well.

By ariannaimelda | 7

#2919843 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:56

He knows too much. Dispose of him quickly.

Reply

OrgasmicDinosaur | 7

#2919955 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:01

haha lol

Reply

iBilal | 0

#2919998 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:04

bitch fuck u

Reply

stepho14 | 0

#2920337 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:40

xD

Reply

omgcookeys | 15

#2920911 - Monday 18 July 2011 11:12

Both the comment and your picture are hilarious! (Will there be buttsecks?-creepface-) LOL

Reply

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#2920996 - Monday 18 July 2011 11:37

Pretty sure nobody on here is blind, 95

Reply

shadow455 | 2

#2922695 - Monday 18 July 2011 16:31

If someone was blind they wouldn't be able to read your comment making it as equally unimportant as his and thus rendering your logic useless.

Reply

SmallTownCutie | 0

#2923399 - Monday 18 July 2011 18:41

Are any of our comments important or logical? No. That's the point of the website.

By enonymous | 8

#2919845 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:56

Naturally he doesn't want you to see or hear his rocking to a strobe light naked.

By rafsta | 0

#2919848 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:56

Should have slapped him

By BaconDave | 12

#2919850 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:57

Did he take his pills yet?

Reply

Fruitmonster2 | 15

#2922754 - Monday 18 July 2011 16:38

Which one? Because there is a suspicious red one. *eyes dart back and forth*

By YummiGummi | 0

#2919851 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:57

wtf? creeper. run away fast.

By Iamnotmyself | 17

#2919855 - Monday 18 July 2011 8:57

Tell him to cover his house in tinfoil, and that your a double agent.

Reply

caffeinated4 | 11

#2920185 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:19

Futurama?

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2920192 - Monday 18 July 2011 9:21

-56 No, CIA, classified.