Today, I tried a new hairstyle to impress a guy I like. I was...

By RS - 17/3/2015 16:25 - United States - Delray Beach

Today, I tried a new hairstyle to impress a guy I like. I was pretty confident, until he took one look at me and said, "Uh... why's there an onion on your head?" So much for that. FML

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Love

Who's a good boy?

Hello everyone!

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By that1guy - 14/3/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - 11/12/2018 04:00 - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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By Danielle22291 - 29/4/2017 17:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, as a waitress at Denny's, I had a 25 top table. Only 3 of them spoke English. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By Catherine - 10/6/2012 18:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By juliannamelissa - 6/9/2012 06:38 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By Traumatized - 5/3/2011 19:57 - Israel

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

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By KlutzyFarmGirl - 12/6/2018 14:30 - United States

Glamorous...

Today, I went into the farm where I work. Within the first 30 minutes I slipped on a fresh cow pie and broke my ankle. FML

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By TheRunaway21 - 6/4/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my mother admitted to me that she sends me up and down the stairs to get things for her because she thinks I could use the exercise. FML

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By Blöde Gans - 25/11/2014 16:14 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

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By Tristan Brantley - 11/3/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML

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By bridezilla - 31/12/2015 07:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, 'No way' or 'It looks great on you', I accidentally said 'Yeah, I know'. FML

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By me - 11/7/2016 03:00 - United States - Norman

Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

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By socreepedouticanteven - 27/10/2014 00:05 - United States - Procious

Today, there was a laundry basket of my clothes sitting in my room. My dad asked me if they were clean or not. When I said I didn't know, he picked up a piece of my clothing, sniffed it, and said it smelled fine. That piece of clothing just so happened to be my underwear. FML

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By thankful - 27/11/2018 22:00

Today, I was tripped downstairs as a "joke" by my little brother. When I was yelling in pain from my broken arm, my mom was lecturing me to be thankful "one goddamn day a year". She also thinks I'm lying just to hide that I'm clumsy and my brother is innocent. He won't admit it. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

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By Sammmmi - 22/6/2016 18:35 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, I heard someone try to get into my back garden. I ran to the front door, opened it and shouted at whoever it was. I then saw a police officer appear, following the person who'd jumped my fence. I then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers. I'd shouted at the police half naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 04:06 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for a busted tail light. The officer gave me a warning and told me to fix it. Ten minutes later I was pulled over again for the same busted tail light by the same cop. This time he wrote me a ticket. FML

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By jazojigga - 2/3/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

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By Anne - 14/2/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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By Boyufd - 14/5/2020 17:00

Deep-seated resentment

Today, I found out why my dad doesn't want my girlfriend coming to our house anymore. Apparently, her dad used to bully him a lot during high school and he's never gotten over it. He's threatened to disown me if she comes back over here. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By strokingitasitype - 7/4/2012 19:12 - Canada - Gander

Today, I cleaned my computer screen for the first time in ages. When I turned it on a few hours later, I spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out why the brightness was suddenly so painfully high. FML

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By yepintheladiesroom - 7/6/2014 21:37 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

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By VMV - 1/2/2013 23:53 - Spain - Abrera

Today, I desperately needed to pee, so I decided to confront my anxiety issues and use a public toilet. I opened the lid, only to see several huge, rancid floaters staring back at me. I had an attack, started sobbing, and pissed myself on the way home. Never again. FML

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By Uriyahu - 20/9/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2014 19:39 - United States - Derry

Today, on my first day of sailing practice, I managed to sit on a metal cleat. After being admitted to the ER, I was informed that I had two vaginal lacerations that needed surgery. The nurse tried to convince me it was my lucky day, because the hospital café was serving vanilla pudding. FML

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By Can'tAgeOrMakeFriends - 12/1/2013 01:11 - United States

Today, I was yet again asked to show my hall pass. I'm 23 and work at a middle school. I've worked here for the last five months, so not only do I look 13 years old, I'm also not memorable enough for my own coworkers to recognize me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

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By poururheartout - 27/7/2018 20:30

Nice.

Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML

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By koletatlow19 - 5/3/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my 23 year old boyfriend of 2 years was forced to dump me, over the phone, by his mother. FML

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By bettercallpeta - 15/2/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 01:55 - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

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By treehouse - 23/8/2017 13:00

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

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By Damnsoup - 3/7/2009 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By dickface - 28/3/2011 20:13 - Canada

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

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By Ignored - 11/4/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

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By Niquesha - 23/4/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 16:35 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

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Top comments

By rhiannahoward14 | 19

#6235426 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

Well, why WAS there an onion on your head?

By Rayth | 19

#6235416 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Impressing people are overrated just be yourself instead

COMMENTS

By Rayth | 19

#6235416 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:12

Impressing people are overrated just be yourself instead

Kailayla | 29

#6235418 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:14

Agreed. Be yourself and you'll impress people.

im_a_black_guy | 10

#6235573 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:54

Unless you're a murderer

Noreason89 | 6

#6235603 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 3:29

it's only a a hairdo it's not like they changed their whole personality

Countryboy1996 | 18

#6235769 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 8:38

That comment needs more likes and to be on the front of a newspaper or something.

By Hollywoodgirl79 | 18

#6235425 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

The good thing is that hair grows back! You should experiment with different kinds of gels and stuff until it grows back

stupidity99 | 16

#6235464 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:31

I don't think they got a haircut, maybe STYLED their hair differently?

annarcheer | 19

#6235598 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 3:28

I was thinking she put it up in a bun or something. You have to be crazy to cut your hair that drastically for someone that your only crushing on.

psychopolarbear | 28

#6235636 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 4:30

I'm guessing it was a sock bun.

By rhiannahoward14 | 19

#6235426 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

Well, why WAS there an onion on your head?

ChocolateScyther | 19

#6235524 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 1:36

she was going for a Jimmy Neutron look

gobiteme2 | 34

#6235545 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 2:19

She was looking for a piece of cheese and hamburger patty. Going to make a Sandwich.

By hippodankamus | 22

#6235427 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 0:16

Don't try to be someone you're not. If someone can't accept you for who you are then don't pursue them.

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6235595 - Wednesday 18 March 2015 3:25

ehh, it's just a hairstyle. it's not like she just completely pretended to be someone else. you've never worn a shirt or something because someone said they liked it?