Love: Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend....

By Anonymous

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

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Love

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Messed up

Intense

By NotASpiderMan - United States - Seattle

Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML

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By outofajob - United States - Farmington

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

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By Madokami - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML

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By fmlguy

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Monkeyspank

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

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Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML

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By kjmsit - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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By sadsadteacher - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

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By beckbr - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

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By BFfail - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

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By irishbubble - Australia - Sydney

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

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By Foreveralone

We're all that one person

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that that person is me. FML

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1513

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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26963

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By nofunforme - United States - Candler

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

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1812

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By gorgeousgirl - United States

Today, I was called gorgeous for the first time in 4 years. By a robot. A female robot. Who was trying to sell me cosmetics. FML

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27378

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By lekijkerd - Netherlands - Leusden

Today, I went to see my favorite band. It was all amazing and great until I decided to go crowd surfing. I was maybe too heavy because people jumped away instead of catching me. I fell right on my tailbone. FML

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8665

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML

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34525

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By huskynick - 18/6/2020 05:05

Kinky

Today, it's been two days and my girlfriend still won't talk to me. Why? Because she made out with a mutual friend at a party, and got mad at me for thinking it was hot rather than being jealous. FML

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1560

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to buy groceries while suffering horrible morning sickness. My nausea magnified as I stood in line behind an obese lady wearing a tank top and tiny short shorts. I lost everything in my stomach when she stuck her hand down her shorts and started scratching at her ass-crack. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was verbally harassed by a customer because I wouldn’t give her special treatment after her meal was incorrect. I offered her a refund and a coupon for a free meal, which she refused before calling me a stupid kid who wouldn’t do anything to help her. FML

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By Unknown - United States - Lamoni

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

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59451

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By ohshit - United States

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

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By JMcKay - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

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By Nickname - United States

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

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By Ryoichi - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

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By oops.

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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2058

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By Porche - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML

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24482

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By omglifee - Canada

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

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23783

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By thatwasmiz - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

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23509

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

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11184

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By hikingtospace - United States - Hilliard

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

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By Nice - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

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25948

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By cookiecutter8 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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8039

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By joedoe - United States

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

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By T-Pain - United States

Today, my boyfriend stopped making out with me to watch a thirty minute infomercial on the Topsy-Turvy upside down tomato planter. FML

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By Rothaar - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By L

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

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By gassy - United States - Kirkland

Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML

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Top comments

By booboo300 | 15

#7609996 - Sunday 11 March 2018 16:41

I mean if you’d reached the stage of sleeping in each other’s bed but hadn’t kissed yet you should have known something was off...

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7600097 - Friday 16 February 2018 17:23

This is why I recommend explicitly asking if you are in a relationship with them.

COMMENTS

By Bloo2555 | 22

#7600097 - Friday 16 February 2018 17:23

This is why I recommend explicitly asking if you are in a relationship with them.

By ohsnapword | 21

#7609979 - Sunday 11 March 2018 15:41

Maybe she heard you telling your dad you were gay so he would let her sleep over.

Ladisa | 28

#7610110 - Monday 12 March 2018 0:17

This is gonna be this week's meta comment

By IAmClay | 24

#7609983 - Sunday 11 March 2018 15:56

I feel like a follow up would be good

By booboo300 | 15

#7609996 - Sunday 11 March 2018 16:41

I mean if you’d reached the stage of sleeping in each other’s bed but hadn’t kissed yet you should have known something was off...

By Rabite | 28

#7609999 - Sunday 11 March 2018 16:50

Fuck all of the people who think that doing stuff together or sleeping in a bed together means more than just that.
At least you were decent enough to not try to get physical.

By samomaha | 17

#7610027 - Sunday 11 March 2018 18:43

Maybe it's time to take advice from Lou Reed and his song, "Take A Walk On The Wild Side"!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7610117 - Monday 12 March 2018 1:20

So, you’re going to get some action in the friend zone?

By RockyLovesARacer | 38

#7610139 - Monday 12 March 2018 3:06

YDI

By bigdaddyeric | 30

#7610170 - Monday 12 March 2018 6:35

So you slept together in the same bed and went out on dates and she still thought you were Gay? Is your real name Richard Pencil? Cuz he’s the only person on here that sounds like that.