Health: Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster,...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 142

07/04/2014 17:02

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 989

You deserved it 48 697

Health

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Mama's boy

Another great day to be alive

Like the beginning of a porno

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 23:01

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 040

You deserved it 1 182

04/04/2015 04:04

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 588

You deserved it 2 881

19/09/2014 01:56

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 807

You deserved it 2 876

17/08/2012 00:22

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 683

You deserved it 2 039

10/10/2015 07:21

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 228

You deserved it 2 689

A heads up next time maybe?

By Bob - 07/04/2020 02:00

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 026

You deserved it 838

06/06/2015 09:11

Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 9 680

30/10/2013 18:28

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 801

You deserved it 8 743

22/01/2010 08:14

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 945

You deserved it 44 402

23/01/2014 03:42

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 374

You deserved it 21 258

16/08/2019 14:00

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 795

12/08/2018 22:00

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 354

You deserved it 326

12/04/2014 16:01

Today, I found out that the April Fool's Day prank my girlfriend and best friend played on me was not a joke, and that they actually did sleep together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 786

You deserved it 3 922

03/12/2013 06:09

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 245

You deserved it 6 937

04/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 444

You deserved it 774

24/09/2010 00:24

Today, I was surfing the web for Halloween costumes, and found one labeled "Extreme Girl Nerd". With the wig, the glasses, and the buck-teeth, it looked exactly like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 411

You deserved it 6 733

25/09/2013 20:02

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 741

You deserved it 5 511

29/11/2009 02:11

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 433

You deserved it 31 274

23/08/2012 21:40

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 914

You deserved it 1 671

23/02/2010 18:57

Today, I found out that my girlfriend started a fake argument and pretended to be mad at me for four days, which was almost enough time for the gigantic hickey that my best friend gave her on her neck to heal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 040

You deserved it 2 451

31/08/2009 13:05

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 396

You deserved it 2 727

03/03/2010 06:06

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 589

You deserved it 2 817

17/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 084

You deserved it 343

This is terrible!

By Baddad - 24/11/2019 20:00

Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 975

You deserved it 1 053

18/05/2009 00:35

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 115

You deserved it 36 255

02/08/2013 20:57

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 832

You deserved it 9 174

11/04/2009 01:47

Today, I was in class finishing up an assignment when the guy next to me, my crush, said "I really love your hair." I started to blush then I turned towards him and said thanks, at the same time as the girl he was actually talking to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 366

You deserved it 6 362

03/09/2011 17:06

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 503

You deserved it 3 079

22/11/2009 16:49

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 265

You deserved it 2 834

28/08/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 899

You deserved it 328

28/05/2009 05:04

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 189

You deserved it 3 416

Get on with it!

By not sexy anymore - 28/07/2020 05:01

Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 770

You deserved it 297

15/10/2015 06:24

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 489

You deserved it 2 027

04/12/2013 18:39

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 654

You deserved it 6 106

16/09/2015 18:26

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 1 897

11/03/2011 01:44

Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my brand new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 090

You deserved it 4 769

01/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 403

The Walking Dead

By Derek Wheeler - 06/12/2020 08:00

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 97

11/03/2011 14:33

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 001

You deserved it 7 928

08/08/2016 13:58

Today, I had a terrible stomach ache and had some pretty bad gas at work. I tried to head down to the basement for a while to allow my coworkers to continue in peace. About an hour after I came back up, my boss called pest control due to the horrible smell that "must be dead rats". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 440

You deserved it 1 281

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Top comments

RayneSmytson 24

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:54

Don't all toasters say that?

narrowords 18

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:56

The company manufacturers did that on purpose. They're laughing at you.

Comments

RayneSmytson 24

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:54

Don't all toasters say that?

revan546 24

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Monday 7 April 2014 23:07

A toaster can be lit on fire and some people will still be stupid enough to touch it, no matter what it says lol

iBanana 17

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Monday 7 April 2014 23:08

....I don't think people would touch a flaming toaster under any circumstances

MrSassypants 32

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:10

Yes, all toasters say that but this one didn't have to say it in such a sarcastic manner.

ThatOneGuy719 16

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:31

I don't know where you got that OP said the toaster was on fire..

zBLAKEz 23

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 2:20

I don't know where you got that someone said that OP said the toaster was on fire..

wastedpenguin 14

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:08

this comment chain doe xD

NinjaDitto623 14

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:31

#61 Thanks for breaking it ._.

Dman131 10

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Saturday 12 April 2014 5:47

@18 I would go to the depths of hell to save my toaster strudel.

iBanana 17

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:54

My toaster strudels never tell me they're hot...

extremeranger1 8

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:11

no one asked you

rocker_chick23 27

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:39

34: No one asked you to be an asshole.

BootheGhost 6

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Wednesday 9 April 2014 22:19

Well, Strudels never brag about themselves, you know.

EpicSquishii 21

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:56

*Thanks, Obama!

narrowords 18

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:56

The company manufacturers did that on purpose. They're laughing at you.

Jessj958 19

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 3:40

Along with everyone on FML!! I don't think anyone with sense would touch a toaster when it's on because we all know they're hot. Come on now!

SemiAuto 21

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:07

54, OP did.

STEALTHHUNTER88 13

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

Irony at its finest!

wolfgold2 20

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

Toasters are pretty sexy.

weveallbeenthere 30

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

lol. I actually got a good laugh.

RhineBl 17

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

Bad move.....

chinaski7628 32

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:58

Why wouldn't you wait for the toaster to cool down before you tried to read the writing?

newzealand 28

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 2:49

Or be more sensible and clear the crumbs off with a metal knife

Spyderbane 10

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Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:51

50. make sure it is plugged in. this way you have light inside so you can see

it__happens 17

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Monday 7 April 2014 22:59

Little late huh?