Health: Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster,...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

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Health

Late term

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Bro, do you even lift?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

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By wlisy

Drugged?

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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5422

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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By B.. - 1/9/2020 23:00

Bye then!

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

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1423

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By Nate - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

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By ww2freak - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

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By FistFighter - United States

Night fight

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

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By cerulean

Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By Forgotten

Today, my girlfriend has memory issues because of a car accident. She broke up with me because I was acting like if things were more serious that she wanted them to be. She forgot she proposed. FML

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3116

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By Damian

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saugus

Today, my boyfriend found a movie he loved on Netflix. He was so excited to show it to me and was certain I'd love it. I didn't have the heart to tell him what I really thought of White Chicks. FML

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By heart broken - United States

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

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By Masey - United States

Today, I was running late for work. As I hurried out the door, I managed to trip over my own feet, fall off the front porch, and key my new car. FML

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35308

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By Sarah - United States - Statesboro

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

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45514

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By Adam Gordon

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2021 19:58 - Czech Republic - Prostejov

Time to ditch

Today, I'm worried senseless over my mom who's in hospital in an induced coma due to COVID-19, and my boyfriend complains that I don't want to have sex with him as often as he wants. FML

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By meikd423 - France

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML

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46757

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By Quicky5_ - United States - Jasper

Today, at work, my coworker's belongings went missing. Infuriated, she accused me of stealing, because I'm black and "stereotypes don't just make themselves." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

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By AnonThoughts

Fighting fit

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

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1363

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By Enyo - Reserved

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

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39577

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By enjoy

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By H8TR - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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23394

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By Yeppets - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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67767

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

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42199

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By hoggypig

Today, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing and waved at the driver of the car who'd stopped, just to say thank you. She stuck her middle finger up at me. FML

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By poopshooter101 - United States

Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I'd "killed her nose". FML

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By hilariousnow - Vietnam

Today, with my girlfriend I planned a trip to Bali on this Thursday and we will celebrate Christmas together. Hotel booking done, flight tickets bought, swimsuits packed. I just forgot one thing: tell my boss I'll be on leave till next week. He gave me a new project. The deadline is next monday. FML

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By arghhh - United States

Today, I finished my internship working in a government lab. I got paid $4000 for the summer. I was talking to my cousin, who said that when he worked as a carnie last summer he made $8000. I get paid half as much for doing research as a carnie does for serving people sno-cones. FML

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39650

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By Jackmeister

Ouch

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

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1290

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By Cossack_Man - United States

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

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By isystuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and left me crying in the street. I then got a text from my mom saying how pathetic my love life was. Apparently, it was a mass text message and she accidentally added me to the list. FML

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By crazycatlady - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

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By sysadmin:~# rm -rf / - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML

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44609

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By texasbest - United States - Lindale

Today, at my new job, I walked into the office to hear my supervisor and HR manager talking about how, "the new guy isn't very smart, but we can get him to do the shit work for a couple weeks." Gee, thanks. FML

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23648

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By Thanks a lot - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

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Top comments

By RayneSmytson | 24

#5907772 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:54

Don't all toasters say that?

By narrowords | 18

#5907781 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:56

The company manufacturers did that on purpose. They're laughing at you.

COMMENTS

By RayneSmytson | 24

#5907772 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:54

Don't all toasters say that?

revan546 | 24

#5907803 - Monday 7 April 2014 23:07

A toaster can be lit on fire and some people will still be stupid enough to touch it, no matter what it says lol

iBanana | 17

#5907804 - Monday 7 April 2014 23:08

....I don't think people would touch a flaming toaster under any circumstances

MrSassypants | 32

#5907866 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:10

Yes, all toasters say that but this one didn't have to say it in such a sarcastic manner.

ThatOneGuy719 | 16

#5907881 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:31

I don't know where you got that OP said the toaster was on fire..

zBLAKEz | 23

#5907956 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 2:20

I don't know where you got that someone said that OP said the toaster was on fire..

wastedpenguin | 14

#5908060 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:08

this comment chain doe xD

NinjaDitto623 | 14

#5908071 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:31

#61 Thanks for breaking it ._.

Dman131 | 10

#5912075 - Saturday 12 April 2014 5:47

@18 I would go to the depths of hell to save my toaster strudel.

By iBanana | 17

#5907775 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:54

My toaster strudels never tell me they're hot...

extremeranger1 | 8

#5907870 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:11

no one asked you

rocker_chick23 | 27

#5907887 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 0:39

34: No one asked you to be an asshole.

BootheGhost | 6

#5909644 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 22:19

Well, Strudels never brag about themselves, you know.

By EpicSquishii | 21

#5907780 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:56

*Thanks, Obama!

By narrowords | 18

#5907781 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:56

The company manufacturers did that on purpose. They're laughing at you.

Jessj958 | 19

#5907997 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 3:40

Along with everyone on FML!! I don't think anyone with sense would touch a toaster when it's on because we all know they're hot. Come on now!

SemiAuto | 21

#5908059 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:07

54, OP did.

By STEALTHHUNTER88 | 13

#5907782 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

Irony at its finest!

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5907783 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

Toasters are pretty sexy.

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#5907784 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

lol. I actually got a good laugh.

By RhineBl | 17

#5907785 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:57

Bad move.....

By chinaski7628 | 32

#5907788 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:58

Why wouldn't you wait for the toaster to cool down before you tried to read the writing?

newzealand | 28

#5907976 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 2:49

Or be more sensible and clear the crumbs off with a metal knife

Spyderbane | 10

#5908086 - Tuesday 8 April 2014 5:51

50. make sure it is plugged in. this way you have light inside so you can see

By it__happens | 17

#5907791 - Monday 7 April 2014 22:59

Little late huh?