Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people... - FML

By idonthavelice - 28/2/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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Dangling modifier

Property law

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By - 23/2/2020 20:00

That's a mother

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

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By cogu - 3/2/2010 19:34 - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

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By jobless - 13/9/2015 14:07 - United States

Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML

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By Brianna Michelle Ferrell - 21/9/2019 20:00

Mixed signals

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a fancy dinner. Halfway through, he said he wanted to break up. I started crying, but the whole restaurant thought he'd proposed, and started clapping. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2016 20:33

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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By lababy - 15/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - 17/3/2015 07:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By seriouslybored - 17/6/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I spent a full hour working on my British accent. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 04:18 - United Kingdom

Issues

Today, my boyfriend told me I’m clearly turning into my mother. I turned round to have a go at him when I stopped, thought about it, and realised he’s completely right. I’m just like her. Now I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I want booze, a relaxing bath or a really long, ugly crying session. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By go choke on a gonad - 8/8/2013 13:13 - United States - Dayton

Today, my fiancé asked for money to bail his brother out of jail, the same brother who happily spent a whole day recently trying to convince my fiancé that I've been cheating on him with my own cousin. So I said no. He shook his head in disgust and said that I'm "unbelievably spiteful". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2015 07:45 - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

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By Notfamous - 2/12/2015 22:18 - United States - West Point

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

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By dumped - 17/4/2011 21:12 - South Africa

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

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By queen_lol - 10/5/2016 17:14 - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By Tim - 7/8/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

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By afather - 14/6/2015 13:41 - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By AE86Turbo - 3/5/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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By Bobby - 29/5/2017 22:00

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

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By Stinky and Single - 6/8/2015 23:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a secluded corner of a coffee shop and felt extremely gassy. Thinking I'd be safe, I let out a pretty nasty smelling fart. Next thing I know, a cute guy is approaching me and asked my name, but all it took was for him to inhale once and he bolted. FML

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By no, don't save me or nothing - 4/8/2013 16:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:42 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 22:00

Love is strange

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By Numbnuts - 8/3/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By Samantha Glennie - 13/7/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

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By julieseattle - 28/10/2019 18:00

Hyperviolence

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

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By 50sStyle - 12/6/2017 19:00 - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

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By workinggirl - 7/3/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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By hikari_chan_xo - 28/3/2012 12:00 - United States - Auburn Hills

Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML

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By awkwardsituation - 11/7/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

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By f*ck - 6/3/2015 17:41 - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 23:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

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By fatty - 14/8/2014 03:46 - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 05:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By mylifeisfed - 4/11/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I bought a treadmill as part of my goal to get fit for summer. It doesn't look like it's going to get much use, seeing as how I sprained my ankle trying to get it in my doorway. FML

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By - 10/12/2018 22:00

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

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By phonemenace - 17/8/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

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Top comments

By ilg4evr | 0

#901277 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:07

I don't think losing them as "friends" is that big of a loss. If they think cockroaches are headlice then they're morons.

By GreenDayRHCP | 0

#901261 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:04

Cockroach =/= Lice.

COMMENTS

By VacuumNinja | 0

#901241 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:01

lice 8D

Reply

DaniLupin | 0

#901305 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:10

I don't get it... how does cockroach = lice?

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#901309 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:11

How can they confuse lice with roaches? I thought lice were practically invisible. They didn't know their crappy building had cockroaches?

Reply

woofis | 0

#901455 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:52

they sound retarded anyway

Reply

Taipan_fml | 0

#901622 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:12

Yeah... FYL for having to live around people who are too stupid to tell the difference between a louse and a cockroach.

Reply

Ep1cPha1l | 0

#901679 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:45

shave off all your hair and pretend to have cancer so they wont think u have lice

Reply

Maxattaxs | 0

#902568 - Monday 1 March 2010 3:57

agreed.

Reply

junolee | 0

#904028 - Monday 1 March 2010 12:41

ya and your so smart you mispelled lice as louse

Reply

Brey1013 | 0

#904074 - Monday 1 March 2010 13:04

Lice is the plural for louse.
one louse, many lice.
Nice command of the English language you got there Junolee...

Reply

Arenn21 | 0

#1029526 - Sunday 13 June 2010 18:17

Why did your building have cockroaches in the elevator? The people you work with sound like retards.

By asshat74 | 0

#901244 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:01

1st one

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#901256 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:03

Nice name. It suits you.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#901257 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:03

2nd actually. But thanks for playing we really enjoyed having you on the show.

Reply

VacuumNinja | 0

#901294 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:09

Oh, come on. If you're gonna moderate the asshat, moderate the replies too. -.-

By KellyIly | 0

#901248 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:02

Eww. FYL

Reply

iMaGiNaTe | 0

#901333 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:15

Hmm.. that's just stupid =|

Reply

deathcab7 | 0

#901354 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:20

agreed. although I would freak if a cockroach was in my hair. :/

Reply

babybubz | 0

#903443 - Monday 1 March 2010 7:10

me too.. O_O

By sleephunters | 8

#901250 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:02

At least you don't have Herpes.

Reply

sleephunters | 8

#901488 - Sunday 28 February 2010 21:02

Agreed.

Reply

helo2 | 0

#901625 - Sunday 28 February 2010 22:18

yumy

By GreenDayRHCP | 0

#901261 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:04

Cockroach =/= Lice.

By suppressed08 | 2

#901263 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:04

In future conversations, whenever there's a pause, just mutter under your breath:

"I'm cleaaaaaannnnnnn!"

:)

Reply

Monikabug | 9

#901909 - Monday 1 March 2010 0:42

Definitely, or just walk up to them and say to them
"Hi there neighbor! I do not have lice."
Just seems logical to me.

By ilg4evr | 0

#901277 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:07

I don't think losing them as "friends" is that big of a loss. If they think cockroaches are headlice then they're morons.

Reply

nomnommonster | 0

#903151 - Monday 1 March 2010 6:01

He doesn't excatly know they think it's lice, since they won't talk to him. They probably think he's just infested with roaches.

By WHODATNATION | 0

#901290 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:09

roaches are fun!

Reply

andreaa64 | 0

#901530 - Sunday 28 February 2010 21:23

ehww no

By bryceizcold101 | 0

#901291 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:09

wth I'm mean you didn't ASK for it. it just happened right?

Reply

nomnommonster | 0

#902371 - Monday 1 March 2010 2:43

Orangebox! haha I love the picture.

By rhanana | 0

#901311 - Sunday 28 February 2010 20:12

and how did you find out that they think you have lice if they won't even go near you?

I'm pretty sure the reason they won't go near you is that you have cockroaches in your hair. 100% more nasty IMO