Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML
Today, in an attempt to be frugal, I tried to repair my own sometimes-faulty toaster. Turns out I unplugged the wrong kitchen appliance, which I only discovered by electrocuting myself while pulling it apart. Now it's definitely broken, will need replacing, and I have a burn. FML
Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML
Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML
Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML
Today, our stove broke. Now, we have to cook using a toaster oven. FML
Today, after waking up to a spilled bottle of juice on my clothes, I heard my ex died. Whilst baking cookies to distract myself, I melted my work laptop on the toaster. FML
Today, I made the mistake of taking apart and fixing a malfunctioning toaster in front of my five year-old. Two hours later, he tried to take apart a lamp that was plugged in. He shocked himself, broke the lamp, and set the carpet on fire. FML
Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML
Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML
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Top comments
jinxthejinx 0
Looks like you relied heavily on your thesaurus to write this FML. Unless you usually speak using awkward, slightly out-of-context high school vocabulary words.
The_grumpy_bear 0
I guess for next time you will clean out your toaster more often.
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Comments (90)
sweetiffany 0
Fire is fun
NancyDeebensDPDS 0
Yeah, you must like fire, because your face is burned.
FCChelsea 3
clean the toaster with your lazy azz self
birds_fml 7
Clean out your damn toaster once in a while and this won't happen. YDI
pepelapew 0
estranged crumbs?
oblio 0
right? I just can't even think what that could mean.
nymphy 0
the word made me laugh anyway.
ImKindaABigDeal 6
Two of the crumbs had a falling out. One got custody of the toaster, the other got the wooden bench.
bentley55 0
^win
jinxthejinx 0
Looks like you relied heavily on your thesaurus to write this FML. Unless you usually speak using awkward, slightly out-of-context high school vocabulary words.
laurbear12 3
I know right?!
zowieandzander77 1
ha I was going to say the same thing... put away the thesaurus and start cleaning.
Zebidee 9
This has nothing to do with OP being British. It's the written equivalent of fingernails down a blackboard in any variant of the language.
Keyman1212 14
That is true. I don't care if you're British, you don't need to sound like an arrogant a prick "formulating" your FML.
chicago4star 0
Click "like".
rostron71 3
Agreed. I'm British and it made me wince
boomsupersonic 0
Maybe clean the toaster out more often? I don't ever clean my toaster, though, and it hasn't lit up, so I'm thinking this may not be real. Unless someone else here has had this experience.
conman531 23
You shoulda said "The toast, toaster and wooden bench are toast.
holymolybro 0
Get back in the kitchen.
zombiekitten87 12
estranged??? why were you not on speaking terms with your bread crumbs??? the fact that your toaster and bench caught on fire sucks, but I think calling it "collateral damage" is a bit of a stretch also.....
Jenmaree 9
Maybe if she'd made an effort to reconcile with her bread crumbs, they wouldn't have burnt her kitchen down.
knockoutmouse 8
Estranged crumbs, OP? I don't think that word means what you think it means.
liz_lem 1
inconceivable!
liz_lem 1
inconceivable!
liz_lem 1
inconceivable!
sonangedemusique 2
<3 Princess Bride!