Work and Health: Today, I'm afraid to show my face in church ever again after...

By oops_i_did_it_againnn - Canada - Welland

Today, I'm afraid to show my face in church ever again after I farted too hard and shit myself there this past Sunday. I'm the priest. FML

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Work

Health

Family values

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Not gonna happen

By Yoda - United States

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 18:02 - Australia - Melbourne

Keep the peace

Today, my girlfriend accidentally put rubbish in the neighbour's bin. Then the old lady took all the rubbish out and threw it on the floor. I came out and tried to calm the situation, but then my girlfriend ran downstairs and tipped her cat food and cat milk bowls over. FML

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By wenchfucker - France - ?pinal

Today, I was once again passed over for a promotion. I'm now the assistant to a kid who has failed to meet almost every single responsibility he's been given before. It's my job to make sure he's successful, and if he isn't, I'll lose my job. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By stillembarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By implantme

Give Me Novacaine

Today, I learnt that my tooth is cracking due to a crown that was put in this past October to prevent the previous crown from doing that. Cheers to an implant at 25 years old. FML

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By poorpony

Today, I got on an elevator with a couple that started fighting about which sex outfit the guy should wear for their next roleplay. When they couldn't decide, they proceeded to show me all of the photos, including a My Little Pony outfit. I had to go up the next 22 floors with them. FML

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By fuck kids - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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By accountingclown

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

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By Anonymous

Bite me

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

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By fml9124 - 5/12/2020 02:02

Weird-ass kids

Today, my Asian girlfriend broke up with me because I'm not Asian, I'm Irish-American, 100%. She doesn't have a problem with me, though. It's her kids. Her grown children want her dating Asian men. She's 62, I'm 63. Is that like reverse racism when the kids are more racist than the parents? FML

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By rie - Ireland

Today, I found out my college friends are going to attack me after Christmas and attempt to tickle me to death. All because they know that I hate to be tickled. They are also going to make a Facebook group dedicated to the matter so people can join in if they wish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cary

Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML

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By yourmainman - Canada

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

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By Jen__ - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By millie219 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

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By sammatthews2007 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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By dickhead - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

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By Elmoo - Netherlands

Today, I was at work when a customer, who was going to pay for her groceries, started sorting through her money. She put some coins in her mouth, seemed to suck on them for a while, and then gave them to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the guy I was seeing had a girlfriend that he hid from me. I found this out when she attacked me. FML

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By gibbette - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his buddies that the main reason he got into video game modding was so he could put a virtual version of me in his games and "shoot the fuck out of that bitch". FML

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By Christopher - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By Stolemylady - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

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By baldintheback - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amelia

Today, my brother thought New Year's would be more epic and memorable if the fireworks were set off in the family room and not outside. It is memorable. FML

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By mommydearist - United States

Today, my car broke down in the middle of the street. Lucky for me, two guys helped me push my car to the side of the road. Right when I was about to thank them, they stole my purse. FML

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By chessgeeksam - United States

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

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By erpuchi - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Hey, thats not math!? - United States - Sunnyside

Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss yelled at me in front of several customers for gesturing too much while I talk, because it's "unprofessional". I was using sign language. FML

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By darianvilla - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7686277 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:12

You need to convert to Buddhism, because now even Jesus can’t look at you with a straight face.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682676 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:14

"Our Father, who fart in Hea... hang on, that's more than just a fart..."

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682676 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:14

"Our Father, who fart in Hea... hang on, that's more than just a fart..."

Leeono | 26

#7682843 - Sunday 26 August 2018 10:51

Give us today our daily toilet tissue....

By RichardPencil | 29

#7686277 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:12

You need to convert to Buddhism, because now even Jesus can’t look at you with a straight face.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7686279 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:16

LMFAO you definitely were preaching the brown gospel 😂🤣

By saberjpg | 6

#7686283 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:20

Just tell your flock that even the king of kings needed to sit on the throne from time to time.

By Chewy1 | 18

#7686289 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:02

Holy shit.

By GoogieWithers | 21

#7686298 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:10

Ask and ye shall receive...

By Boyufd | 22

#7686319 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:58

priest don't curse

By Linda Mau | 10

#7686335 - Saturday 1 September 2018 18:30

the father, the son, and the holy crap. that's what it was.

By Lionize | 6

#7686336 - Saturday 1 September 2018 18:30

Samuel 12:20 Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your shart.

By ChromoTec | 24

#7686350 - Saturday 1 September 2018 19:14

Again?