Work and Health: Today, I'm afraid to show my face in church ever again after...

By oops_i_did_it_againnn - Canada - Welland

Today, I'm afraid to show my face in church ever again after I farted too hard and shit myself there this past Sunday. I'm the priest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2994

You deserved it

508

Favorite

Work

Health

Late term

Taking stock

Out of it

By taiannalynn5

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32892

You deserved it

7730

Favorite

By dotcomboy - United States

Today, my boss asked me to call his new phone to make sure it's working. When his phone didn't ring, he looked at my phone to confirm I called him. My boss then saw that I'd entered him into my phonebook as "douche bag". FML

I agree, your life sucks

12922

You deserved it

78684

Favorite

By thanksma - United States - Stilwell

Thanks for the heads up

Today, at his request, I met up with my brother for lunch so we could catch up. Apparently, our mother put him up to it so he could tell me our parents are getting a divorce. They didn't want to tell me themselves because I'm "too emotional." FML

I agree, your life sucks

6716

You deserved it

629

Favorite

By really? - United States

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54487

You deserved it

6677

Favorite

By K3you - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45691

You deserved it

3573

Favorite

By Bleach dat Blood

Panic!

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26028

You deserved it

3779

Favorite

By believe me now?? - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25597

You deserved it

2045

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29780

You deserved it

4908

Favorite

By a tad whipped - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59095

You deserved it

7206

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 23:01

Don't shoot the messenger

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1282

You deserved it

1814

Favorite

By muffdriver - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26200

You deserved it

4185

Favorite

By bee - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33481

You deserved it

3472

Favorite

By xXEmmaLieXx - United States - Berkley

Today, my entire junior class took the ACT. On the last test, a classmate's phone went off, automatically invalidating the whole test. We all have to retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43426

You deserved it

2967

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35440

You deserved it

4422

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25351

You deserved it

7785

Favorite

By samdog37 - 1/12/2020 14:06

Mopping mad

Today, my brand-obsessed sister bought $200 shorts. She was cutting the tag off of them in the kitchen and left them on the counter. I went into the kitchen, poured me some coke, and spilled it all over the counter. I thought the shorts were a rag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

764

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30808

You deserved it

3511

Favorite

By youfuckingdumbassmum - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30612

You deserved it

4870

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she believes I "jinxed" her chances of getting the job she wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1682

You deserved it

130

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - Hagen

Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12395

You deserved it

31132

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55302

You deserved it

5931

Favorite

By John - Saint Lucia

Today, I discovered that it is possible for bugs to lay eggs in your ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31590

You deserved it

3019

Favorite

By notexactly - United States

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14376

You deserved it

64082

Favorite

Pain in the neck

Today, my mom drove my car and ran had to make a u turn on a narrow street. Instead of slowing down, she speeds to turn running off the road and denting my car. Make it worse, she blamed me for not giving her good directions. Then follows up with it is not that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

314

Favorite

By ak - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks

64581

You deserved it

11335

Favorite

By cunts, cunts everywhere - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44274

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, an old lady asked me the way to the shopping mall. The shopping mall was not too far away, but I could see that the lady could barely walk so I offered to drive her there. She smacked my car's door into a pole while getting in my car. She didn't even notice that she'd done something wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30689

You deserved it

5682

Favorite

By Fillifilo - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25698

You deserved it

3776

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33662

You deserved it

4952

Favorite

By CanadianEH

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9581

You deserved it

3188

Favorite

By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42221

You deserved it

4057

Favorite

By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

With friends like these…

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1151

You deserved it

Favorite

By Arachnofail - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22115

You deserved it

4452

Favorite

By Stacy - United States

Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

70022

You deserved it

5227

Favorite

By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44359

You deserved it

2678

Favorite

By chacha_bby - United States

Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded "Well the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7615

You deserved it

51572

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20043

You deserved it

1921

Favorite

By the bad artist - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was talking to an art critic at an exhibition. He told me that the artist had no talent and went on to tell me everything wrong with each painting. I'd painted them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25291

You deserved it

2596

Favorite

By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called me and told me he wanted me to stay the night. I decided to wear my sexiest outfit for him so I put on my kinky nurse outfit and drove over to his house. I let myself in his front door, to which I found 40 of my closest friends staring at me for my surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39071

You deserved it

21205

Favorite

By depressed - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, my new creative writing teacher informed the class that we should consult him before writing anything "dark or disturbing." I only took the class because my therapist recommended that I join the class so I could freely express my darker thoughts without her help or a fear of being judged. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40159

You deserved it

3055

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7686277 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:12

You need to convert to Buddhism, because now even Jesus can’t look at you with a straight face.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682676 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:14

"Our Father, who fart in Hea... hang on, that's more than just a fart..."

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7682676 - Sunday 26 August 2018 0:14

"Our Father, who fart in Hea... hang on, that's more than just a fart..."

Leeono | 26

#7682843 - Sunday 26 August 2018 10:51

Give us today our daily toilet tissue....

By RichardPencil | 30

#7686277 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:12

You need to convert to Buddhism, because now even Jesus can’t look at you with a straight face.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7686279 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:16

LMFAO you definitely were preaching the brown gospel 😂🤣

By saberjpg | 6

#7686283 - Saturday 1 September 2018 16:20

Just tell your flock that even the king of kings needed to sit on the throne from time to time.

By Chewy1 | 18

#7686289 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:02

Holy shit.

By GoogieWithers | 21

#7686298 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:10

Ask and ye shall receive...

By Boyufd | 23

#7686319 - Saturday 1 September 2018 17:58

priest don't curse

By Linda Mau | 10

#7686335 - Saturday 1 September 2018 18:30

the father, the son, and the holy crap. that's what it was.

By Lionize | 6

#7686336 - Saturday 1 September 2018 18:30

Samuel 12:20 Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your shart.

By ChromoTec | 24

#7686350 - Saturday 1 September 2018 19:14

Again?