Money and Animals: Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three... - FML

By TCRII - 11/10/2017 22:30 - United States - Springfield

Today, my wife and I agreed to get two horses. She got three horses and a pregnant goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 315

You deserved it 620

Own it

Compromises

Too Much Information

By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 258

You deserved it 38 551

By failure - 22/09/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 5 021

Stabbed!

By Sarah - 19/03/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to convince policemen I’m not a victim of domestic abuse after I had to go to hospital for a stab wound for the second time since Xmas. I’m just hopelessly clumsy. I managed to stab myself with a screwdriver while opening a paint tin. Last time, it was a knitting needle while knitting Xmas jumpers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 142

By Stoopiddogbot - 12/02/2013 13:18 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 450

You deserved it 4 367

The money is still yours

By Anonymous - 29/09/2021 14:01

Today, after I took extra shifts to be able take the woman I loved out for special weekend, she dumped me and now I'm working extra shift for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 914

You deserved it 102

By norpedo - 17/05/2015 19:32 - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 976

You deserved it 6 526

By Username - 31/03/2011 07:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 552

You deserved it 11 140

…and then everyone clapped

By boobsnbaseball - 02/07/2021 05:59

Today, my boyfriend and I got put on the Kiss cam at a baseball game. Instead of kissing me, he grabbed my boobs and got the biggest round of applause I have heard in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 160

Smooth move, teach.

By Faceplant - 14/11/2017 10:00 - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I monitored my students as they conducted a lab experiment. I was walking to the other side of the room while looking at a student who seemed about to ask a question. When she looked up at me, I walked into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 967

You deserved it 678

By Anonymous - 23/05/2015 07:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 035

You deserved it 2 516

By Sonic - 29/03/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 891

You deserved it 208

By chubbyg - 20/09/2014 12:23 - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 273

You deserved it 6 439

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my brother's home for his annual visit, lectures my parents once about their eating habits. They promptly throw away all of their junk food. I'm there every Sunday, and have been telling them to eat healthier for medical reasons. They never listen. He's in sales, and I'm in med school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 891

You deserved it 3 063

By sister sister - 25/11/2013 17:38 - United States - Rhinebeck

Spicy

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 756

You deserved it 19 269

By Anonymous - 01/04/2018 05:00

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 395

You deserved it 413

By Username - 31/08/2011 07:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 325

You deserved it 59 836

By Anonymous - 22/01/2010 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 746

You deserved it 4 778

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 06:31 - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 000

You deserved it 2 388

By loverpants - 14/08/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 756

You deserved it 5 526

By wmkaz - 21/04/2012 06:15 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 5 009

Pay up

By bh2000 - 29/05/2020 17:00

Today, I'd purchased a ticket for the train on my mobile app. Some idiot pushed past me on his way out and in the process makes me drop my phone, ruining it. A conductor then came to check my ticket and I got fined 150 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 144

By coral - 08/07/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 537

You deserved it 12 362

By Krissy - 25/01/2010 08:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend on the back bumper of my car. After he finished he told me he felt like he was riding a seahorse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 457

You deserved it 4 598

By Meggie - 05/11/2009 05:06 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad and his new "girlfriend". A couple days ago I realized that my sexy clothes that my boyfriend had bought me for our anniversary was missing. Guess who was wearing it? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 048

You deserved it 2 172

Singalong

By shtzbutnogiggles - 17/05/2016 14:10 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 076

You deserved it 1 006

By ... - 02/01/2012 06:45 - United States

Today, I found out that, after offering to fill out my student aid application for me, my mother sent all of my personal information to a scam site instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 841

You deserved it 4 407

By AcademicAdvisor - 25/04/2016 20:14 - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 816

You deserved it 1 117

By look before you speak - 09/02/2014 07:12 - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I asked my friend if he could be my wingman and help me get a date with a girl I really liked. I told him my plan, and as I finished and turned to go to her, I noticed her standing right there, listening in on the whole conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 570

You deserved it 13 769

By Username - 04/12/2010 21:04 - United States

Today, I gave my friend a ride to town so she wouldn't have to pay the $10 to park. While waiting to pick her up, I grabbed a bite to eat. Upon returning to my car, I found a $55 parking ticket on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 063

You deserved it 28 158

By pinkplasticjesus - 20/06/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 273

You deserved it 55 943

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 924

You deserved it 3 849

By Misty3242 - 06/02/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 535

You deserved it 4 113

By Anonymous - 03/03/2013 18:03 - Germany - Augsburg

Today, I was awkwardly taking a dump at work, when a coworker in another stall started talking shit to me about our boss. I grunted and agreed, hoping he'd shut up and leave me alone. That's when a third guy sarcastically chimed in with insults from a third stall. It was our boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 841

You deserved it 11 177

By LadyJane - 13/01/2017 14:21

Today, I was trying to exercise more, so I went for a walk. I was quickly overtaken by a middle-aged lady with cankles, carrying heavy shopping bags in each hand. I'm 19, skinny, and apparently very unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 784

You deserved it 2 506

By Anonymous - 20/08/2012 12:12 - United States - Worcester

Today, my husband had a temper tantrum because I wouldn't get him a chocolate bar at the store register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 297

You deserved it 5 898

By drano - 02/08/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 867

You deserved it 3 277

Shooting!

By WittyMoron - 08/01/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 3 357

By Anonymous - 29/06/2016 14:42 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 244

You deserved it 1 227

By unhappy - 07/06/2015 18:23 - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 943

You deserved it 3 940

Assumptions

By navi - 11/03/2021 11:01

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 384

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Thursday 12 October 2017 5:25

To be fair, you said two horses, which she got. You didn't say she couldn't get more than that.

coconutting101 6

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Thursday 12 October 2017 5:44

Rich people problems.

Comments

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Thursday 12 October 2017 5:25

To be fair, you said two horses, which she got. You didn't say she couldn't get more than that.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 5:27

nice

coconutting101 6

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Thursday 12 October 2017 5:44

Rich people problems.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 6:05

Maybe they're not rich at all and that's why he's mad.

WhatHappenedToIt 22

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Thursday 12 October 2017 20:49

or the animals are rescues and they live on a farm and he ends up doing mkst of the physical labour for the animals and now more then 2 horses is too much work.

Koios 30

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Thursday 12 October 2017 5:45

Now that's a real plot twist

pro_panda_ganda 10

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Thursday 12 October 2017 6:41

First-world problems.

Shabnam Moghal 14

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Thursday 12 October 2017 7:07

Congratulations! You're gonna have kids!

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Thursday 12 October 2017 9:06

Not if she spends all time with the horses and the goat.

Shabnam Moghal 14

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Thursday 12 October 2017 11:25

The children of goats are called kids

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Thursday 12 October 2017 14:25

baby goat is a kid...

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Thursday 12 October 2017 14:40

A baby goat is called a kid.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 15:42

The goat offsprings are called kids, you poptart.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 16:59

Centaurs then.

WhatHappenedToIt 22

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Thursday 12 October 2017 20:49

a baby goat is called a kid....

Natasha Kinnear 9

Thursday 12 October 2017 21:31

First of all, how dare you

Razell 13

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Friday 13 October 2017 9:24

XD

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Friday 13 October 2017 15:26

You clearly didn't get the joke. A goat's babies are also named kids. There you go, please retake kindergarten if you ever get the chance.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 8:35

Don't cut them up until you eat them, that way they'll stay fresh longer.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 13:22

This is soooo me. I like your wife!

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Thursday 12 October 2017 13:29

The fact that she randomly got a pregnant goat as well makes me laugh--it just seems so random.

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Thursday 12 October 2017 15:46

meh... They may have agreed on a maximum price, she found cheap horses and got a goat on that deal. Like they time I tried to sell my turtle to a pet shop, but they sold me a turtle that's too cheap for me to say no. Now, I have two.

tibtak 20

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Thursday 12 October 2017 16:48

That's why you should have agreed on one horse only

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 598

You deserved it 136

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 87