By Anonymous

On call

Today, my boyfriend accused me of not coming home at all last week. The truth is, I was up and gone to work before him every morning, and I was home after he went to bed. He didn’t even bother talking to me or asking where I was last week, we both work 24/7 on-call jobs, and he knows this happens sometimes. FML

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Walk on the wild side

On the beat

Fucking Facebook memories

By MadameM - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

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By FlipYoC - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By xxxdwangelaxxx - United States

Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few cute guys playing basketball, I tried to act cute, laughing loudly and letting my hair fly all over the place. Just as they look over the swing broke. I fell on my face, my jeans sliding down, mooning them. They laughed hysterically. FML

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By Lo_Bolian - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By AdoKitty - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

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By saywhat - United States - Yakima

Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

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By danonno - Canada - Nelson

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

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By Username - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 23:00

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up to my father sobbing his eyes out in the kitchen. Apparently, I screamed, "DON'T TELL THEM I'M PREGNANT!" in my sleep last night. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

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By pumboc - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By wearashirt - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

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By Ali - 4/10/2020 23:02

Gas wars

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time and we were alone. He was being super romantic and snuggling with me, and then out of nowhere he let out the biggest fart I've ever heard. He then explained how I should try to compete with it. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

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By Ohgodithurts - 19/10/2020 11:00

Roommates from hell, part 4874

Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By grant b - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

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By shittysituation - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By ihatekids

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

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By Single and wigless

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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By anonymous

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By jayden5 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

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By hunter168647 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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By jcesom - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By regected - United States

Today, I went to the movies with the girl I liked. She kept on eating my popcorn so I whispered in her ear "Pretty soon your going to have to repay me with kisses." Then she looked at me and walked out the theatre. She came back with a bucket of popcorn and said "Here, you're repaid." FML

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By beer guy

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By Anonymous

My 21st birthday

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

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By Sucks2beme

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

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By running scared - Norway

Creepypasta

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You're such a cute couple!" FML

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By UsuallyaUnicornbread - United States - Morrisville

Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML

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By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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By DriveNowhere - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

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By Joey - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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By chi_chia - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

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Top comments

By acmariner99 | 24

#7852453 - Saturday 19 October 2019 17:08

Communication! Do it!

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7852552 - Sunday 20 October 2019 4:46

OP, every time that you come home from now on, "cannonball yourself" onto him (aka "pile-drive") while he's sleeping to let him know that you are, in fact, home after your daily shift. Then do it one more time ie, the next day, after he "mea culpa's" just to "remind" him. Problem solved!
Or one day, hide all his underwear; next day, all his socks, etc. so that he has to call you to find out where you moved 'em to each day.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7852439 - Saturday 19 October 2019 16:07

Sounds like he may have a guilty conscience.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7852448 - Saturday 19 October 2019 16:28

You're too busy for a boyfriend. You should be a side piece or have an FWB.

Problem solved, YWIA

By acmariner99 | 24

#7852453 - Saturday 19 October 2019 17:08

Communication! Do it!

By TooTall0231 | 9

#7852473 - Saturday 19 October 2019 19:33

Damn! I'm working the same hours as I'm on call right now.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7852552 - Sunday 20 October 2019 4:46

OP, every time that you come home from now on, "cannonball yourself" onto him (aka "pile-drive") while he's sleeping to let him know that you are, in fact, home after your daily shift. Then do it one more time ie, the next day, after he "mea culpa's" just to "remind" him. Problem solved!
Or one day, hide all his underwear; next day, all his socks, etc. so that he has to call you to find out where you moved 'em to each day.