Kids: Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML

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Kids

Walk on the wild side

Stealth attack

Too passionate for me

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 5/2/2021 14:01

Considerate

Today, I was sick and had a migraine. Being sick turns me into a big baby, and I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be alone. Two hours into my shift, he texted me saying he "needs to let off some steam because he hadn't in a long time." Guess who ended up staying home alone until his drunk ass needed to be taken care of. FML

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By sheilob - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By HorrorByrd - Canada

Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML

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By Sack - United Kingdom

Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML

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By nattnatt73 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

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By Lovesickgal - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By ALO - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By MadSon - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

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By Jaided_Genetics - Canada - Kingston

Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML

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By tryscal - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

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By Axlgrows

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

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By Baconcook3000 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

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By surfer - United States - New York

Today, I went surfing, got a few rides, then realized I had my phone in my pocket. FML

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By bummerdood - United States - Wichita

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

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By problems - Thailand - Phuket

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By captain patch beard

RIP Beard

Today, I met a girl at a bar, we had a few drinks and really hit it off. We headed back to my place to get a little action. As she was riding me, she got rougher and rougher until she reached down and yanked a patch of hair right out of my beard. I yelped in pain and didn’t even finish. FML

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By Jes_jes18 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, my boyfriend and I dyed our hair. His hair came out good. My hair, on the other hand, came out splotchy, and instead of dark blue, it came out green. FML

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By parentfail - United Kingdom

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

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By BoCoMoGal

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

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By fire starter - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By KnowledgableEx - United States - Baltimore

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

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By awkward - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

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By "of fucking course"

Creeper Alert

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

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By whatisthisshit

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

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By jj159 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home and saw my roommate had taken out the garbage for the first time in the three years we have lived in the same house. Unfortunately, the bag of laundry I had by the door was taken out with it as well. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind my dad and yell "BOO!" to scare him. He didn't even flinch. All he did was calmly look over his shoulder and sigh, "Oh for fuck's sake. And you wonder why I don't love you." FML

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By can’t sleep - 17/6/2020 17:04

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, and for the fourth time in a week, my 60-year-old neighbors have woken me up by having obnoxiously loud sex. Complete with over the top moaning and the headboard smashing against our shared wall. When I asked them nicely to quiet down, they laughed and called me jealous. FML

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Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

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By ashamed - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

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By isaidfuckoff - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML

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By Dakota

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

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By counselor - United States

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she said 'buried'. FML

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By Fartnonymous - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

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Top comments

By JE553 | 9

#5631588 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:08

Quality kid with quality humor clearly

By oh_merde | 11

#5631589 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:08

What a dick!

COMMENTS

By JE553 | 9

#5631588 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:08

Quality kid with quality humor clearly

corocoro | 30

#5631597 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:10

True, but it still calls for a talk with the parents.

JE553 | 9

#5631617 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:20

True however mowing a penis into a lawn takes some creative skill
An enrollment into an art school should be included in said talk

CaptinFalconKnig | 6

#5631646 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:44

I guess you could say that was a dick move

SwaggCapone | 11

#5631685 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:27

I hate kids

Faff | 20

#5631695 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:37

why would you tell the parents? it was just an innocent joke.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5631722 - Saturday 17 August 2013 18:01

41- Do you even know what "innocent" means? It's destructive behavior, and should be treated as such. Informing the parents of his shenanigans is well within reason.

Faff | 20

#5631762 - Saturday 17 August 2013 18:45

The only mowed a penis in the lawn. He didn't broke any windows or set the house on fire. And the lawn has to be mowed anyway, so I don't see any destructive behaviour?

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5631775 - Saturday 17 August 2013 19:04

Next time mow a pineapple. I hear they bring out your eyes

\ | 28

#5631886 - Saturday 17 August 2013 19:58

If he offered to do it for free, would OP be as pissed?

badluckdawson | 19

#5633629 - Monday 19 August 2013 2:44

You were once a kid to so stfu

Hipnog | 15

#5638790 - Thursday 22 August 2013 16:40

93.
Stop being such a dick to OP.

By oh_merde | 11

#5631589 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:08

What a dick!

Wizboy | 17

#5631669 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:04

Definitely a big one.

mojobanks | 8

#5631719 - Saturday 17 August 2013 17:57

Fix it by giving it a mow job!

esines | 9

#5633522 - Monday 19 August 2013 1:38

For real. Op needs to be mower careful in who they pay to work for them

By Welshite | 39

#5631590 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:08

Well, he /did/ mow it.

By Llama_Face89 | 33

#5631592 - Saturday 17 August 2013 16:09

Having your lawn fertilized?

\ | 28

#5631894 - Saturday 17 August 2013 20:01

This reminds me of the FML where this girl's boyfriend applies sunscreen to her back at the beach, but leaves a penis-shaped area of her back uncovered...