By FML Approved

Tree Fall Fail

If a tree falls in a parking lot and nobody flinches, did it really fall at all?

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Empathy lives

Show me where it hurts

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31902

You deserved it

7194

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By lonely - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39605

You deserved it

5942

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By Job Seeking - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35054

You deserved it

2988

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By goldenshower - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7466

You deserved it

56340

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By Anonymous

Bullshit reason

Today, my husband wants a divorce. His reason, so he claims, is that he went to see a card reader a few months ago and she told him our relationship would not last. Apparently, our astrological signs or something are not compatible, so he thinks we shouldn't waste our time. We have been married for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1784

You deserved it

150

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32566

You deserved it

3376

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By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31172

You deserved it

4415

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34571

You deserved it

10716

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By flaps - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10696

You deserved it

95279

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70455

You deserved it

17187

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By AH - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47809

You deserved it

4339

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By Sostupid - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25431

You deserved it

8774

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By DisgustinglyFrustrated - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54093

You deserved it

17959

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By Anonymous - Canada - Windsor

Today, my boyfriend said "You're a real work of art. You know, the abstract kind that no one likes. Anyway, we need to break up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41144

You deserved it

3704

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Travel gift

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1189

You deserved it

2741

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1655

You deserved it

3294

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By elly - 8/4/2021 14:00

Priorities

Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

696

You deserved it

143

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By Anonymous

Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1416

You deserved it

1270

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By PissedbythePiper - United States - Saukville

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26271

You deserved it

2899

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 11:01

Classic switcheroo

Today, I had a movie date planned with a guy. After a polite exchange, we were interrupted by a phone call from his colleague saying they had an emergency that needed his attention. He excused himself to take the call, telling me he wouldn't be long. He drove off and blocked my number the moment he stepped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1039

You deserved it

100

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By speechless - Canada

Gummy

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28852

You deserved it

3731

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48658

You deserved it

6880

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By donezo - United States

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45322

You deserved it

3715

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy drove straight into an intersection, running a stop sign and narrowly missing my car. I had to swerve into a snow bank to avoid him. He stopped long enough to see that I had a toddler in my car, before flipping me off and driving away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48239

You deserved it

3635

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By Lichelle - United States

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17084

You deserved it

72543

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By Anonymous

Man vs Boy

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4874

You deserved it

279

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By SelfServiced - United States - San Francisco

Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41795

You deserved it

6562

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By Annebelle - United States

Today, I ordered a graduation cake from a woman at the grocery store. She asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I said "Congratulations Annie". Then she asked me who was ordering and I said "Annie". I had to order my own cake. The woman was silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53845

You deserved it

6715

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By Jer - United States

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38335

You deserved it

8914

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2014

You deserved it

301

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By rink.attendant.6 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26051

You deserved it

3577

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By Breath of fresh air - 3/8/2020 17:01

Wear your masks

Today, after 3 months of no Coronavirus in my state, two stupid cunts have to failed to self-isolate and restarted the lockdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1632

You deserved it

332

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's 18th birthday. She had invited us out drinking. I've never had alcohol before and was very excited. I got a call explaining that she had invited one too many and asked me not to come. People bragging on facebook about what a great time they were having didn't help either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42374

You deserved it

6244

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2021 13:59

Doggy dog world

Today, after I went to live with my biological mom, after she convinced me she’s been off drugs while I was living with my grandparents, she gave me one of two puppies she'd bought as a gift. Then she got arrested. Turns out she stole said puppy. Some things never change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

942

You deserved it

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By Acidic Donut - United States - Brookfield

Today, I hid my parents' booze since I'd always thought their shitty behavior was due to drinking too much. Turns out they're just assholes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55611

You deserved it

8924

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By just_a_bit_akwRd - United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50594

You deserved it

7792

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66476

You deserved it

10739

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By Megan - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21510

You deserved it

2302

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By Bridget

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1796

You deserved it

180

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By legitweirdo - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML