By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2608

627

BO Central

Damn squares!

I'm a mess

By fmjob - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44498

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3973

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I aproached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9253

You deserved it

37148

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By Detroitman125

Today, my name was left off of the program at our band concert. I would have been fine with this if it wasn't the third time in a row that this has happened. Yes, I did show them each time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2716

You deserved it

122

Favorite

By I'm an adult! - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my parents I'm pregnant. I got a long lecture from my mom about using protection. It would have been fine hearing all that, but I'm turning 22, I've been moved out for a few years, have a full time job with great benefits, and am getting married next summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27424

You deserved it

4434

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57926

You deserved it

4604

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By LadyJane - France

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10165

You deserved it

27124

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 23:00

Our little bundles of joy

Today, my partner and I were both horny at the same time. I entertained our 3 kids while he jerked off, then he entertained them while I went and masturbated. We live together and this is the first time we’ve been horny at the same time since Christmas, because we’re both so exhausted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1317

You deserved it

331

Favorite

By fyourlife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12776

You deserved it

36792

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By Joel Lee Burgess - 15/2/2021 22:59 - United States

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?

Today, my wife got a call from my son's school, telling her that he was talking inappropriately in class, using bad language. Neither my wife or I ever use foul language, spoken or written. I feel like such a failure as father and parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

633

You deserved it

295

Favorite

By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24359

You deserved it

2529

Favorite

By jhftrainer23 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32733

You deserved it

2846

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By Anonymous

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1071

You deserved it

574

Favorite

By theDarkandtheLight

Star Bores

Today, my boyfriend and I binged Star Wars. Now he keeps talking about how the Empire is superior to the Republic, digging up Reddit threads / YouTube videos / expressing his own political ideas to convince me of this. I just wanted to watch the movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3598

You deserved it

580

Favorite

By chestycough - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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58215

You deserved it

5371

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By nocanhaz - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17580

You deserved it

49670

Favorite

By kylie - 2/4/2021 17:01

Unimpressed

Today, my doctor told me that I have severely and permanently injured my shoulder. Last week, I attempted to lift more weight than I normally do in an effort to impress my boyfriend. He was not impressed. In fact he said that most kids can lift more than that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

351

You deserved it

827

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27121

You deserved it

3739

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30329

You deserved it

2688

Favorite

By soundbox - United States

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24409

You deserved it

4669

Favorite

By brownunderwear - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27692

You deserved it

7851

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Canterbury

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34982

You deserved it

10346

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By Clumsy

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3140

You deserved it

351

Favorite

By Yudith

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

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2051

You deserved it

111

Favorite

By violatedinden - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

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45442

You deserved it

2392

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42424

You deserved it

13467

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By gfg - Romania

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

173352

You deserved it

24521

Favorite

By Awesome. - United States

Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

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27830

You deserved it

4978

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By father-in-nope - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29362

You deserved it

2737

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31060

You deserved it

3479

Favorite

By RedEye - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my contact ripped in half in my eye. One half fell out, but the other half got stuck too far under my eyelid. An hour and $100 later, Urgent Care finally got it. FML

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4552

You deserved it

316

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41612

You deserved it

3740

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

58687

You deserved it

13140

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, after 8 months of being belittled and treated like trash at my job as a prep cook in a high-end kitchen, I stood up for myself to the line cooks. Not only did everyone laugh at me, I got fired for causing a scene during service and insubordination. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40850

You deserved it

9649

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By seriously - United States

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38634

You deserved it

4546

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By TPelekakis - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11686

You deserved it

1020

Favorite

By mook - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58747

You deserved it

5615

Favorite

By Preggie - Singapore

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured to the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is heavily pregnant. I am just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35794

You deserved it

23496

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fairfield

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31383

You deserved it

3420

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By PulledOver - United States

Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10939

You deserved it

54698

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bedminster

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

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28312

You deserved it

4309

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7538483 - Thursday 7 September 2017 14:12

That font gave me cancer.

By bkwusa | 15

#7538499 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:01

Lesson learned, next time put your parrot in a different room or in a cage when waxing your eyebrows!! Hope the hair grows back soon.

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7538483 - Thursday 7 September 2017 14:12

That font gave me cancer.

By bkwusa | 15

#7538499 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:01

Lesson learned, next time put your parrot in a different room or in a cage when waxing your eyebrows!! Hope the hair grows back soon.

By Sinshine | 27

#7538509 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:37

Don't ever do something like this with animals (or little children) around.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7538512 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:48

Now you can become a scary looking pirate! Either for Halloween or on the high seas, your choice.

By dexter420 | 21

#7538514 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:50

Corny

By mt21mt | 15

#7538517 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:54

Please take better care of your bird(s). Please put it/them in a safe place when you are doing something that is potentially dangerous or deadly for it/them. Please.

By Jonathan Spaulding | 5

#7538617 - Thursday 7 September 2017 21:46

I can barely read this

By Lillysar91 | 20

#7538683 - Friday 8 September 2017 2:52

Why are you trying to wax with your parrot wandering around? Wax strips are sticky and messy and gets caught up in everything. Sorry for the bald patches though.

By sgibson982136 | 10

#7538712 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:13

they bring you not and take it away lol. I feel ya though. I used to help run a parrot rescue.

By SamySosa | 10

#7541326 - Friday 15 September 2017 7:00

I'm sorry but this is hilarious ??
i have bunnies, you learn quick about what to do with animals around.