By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2592

You deserved it

619

Favorite

Animals

Health

Proactive

Sensitive

Waiting for that special someone

By jeffnn - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7154

You deserved it

955

Favorite

By RadYoHeaD - United Kingdom

Today, I went running to the gym on the way to work and I forgot to bring a spare shirt. All I have to wear is a wet white tshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11184

You deserved it

21609

Favorite

By newlysingle - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57682

You deserved it

3564

Favorite

By silverstar189 - United States

Today, the 6 year old girl I was babysitting asked me, "Why are you so ugly? Are you an alien? Because aliens are about as ugly as you are." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39167

You deserved it

3945

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Estoy Poopin

Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4026

You deserved it

503

Favorite

By Ann - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42061

You deserved it

4879

Favorite

By Highroller_17 - United States

Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25728

You deserved it

2343

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28242

You deserved it

1682

Favorite

By imagrouch - United States - Slippery Rock

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43280

You deserved it

5121

Favorite

By Stressy - United Kingdom

Today, in my psychology class, we were given a sheet that had a list of stressful events and we were to select the ones we had experienced in the last 12 months. I got highest in my class of above an 80% chance of getting a life threatening illness due to stress. Everyone laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28320

You deserved it

3192

Favorite

By priceycommute

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3530

You deserved it

990

Favorite

By tor - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57292

You deserved it

2551

Favorite

By sucker - United States - Duluth

Alexa, play "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

647

You deserved it

2336

Favorite

By deee21 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14799

You deserved it

35597

Favorite

By lopsided - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29889

You deserved it

2738

Favorite

By cantunhear - United States - Fishkill

Today, my parents had a loud argument over who is worse in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33119

You deserved it

2446

Favorite

By OhMeGerd - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was invited to my boyfriend's house for dinner for the first time. His mom made a fantastic dinner, so I showed my appreciation by eating the lot. Apparently I was overdoing it because when I looked up everyone was staring. His dad muttered, "Slow the hell down." FML

I agree, your life sucks

15398

You deserved it

28852

Favorite

By helluvasinger - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31031

You deserved it

5431

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47176

You deserved it

4414

Favorite

By the dead never die

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2127

You deserved it

102

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my four-year-old son running around outside, and copying everything our dog was doing. I thought it was cute, so I went to grab the camera. When I went back outside, I saw my dog eating a dead rabbit, and my son doing the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43896

You deserved it

6401

Favorite

By hungry? - United States - Talbott

Today, some friends told me that my natural body odor smells like cooked beef and roasted onions. I'm disgustingly delicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22545

You deserved it

4439

Favorite

By DopeDickDover - United States

Today, at school, a cute girl kept glancing up at me, giggling, and looking away as soon as I looked at her. So naturally I walked up to her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She said she didn't like me, she was just laughing at how big a zit was on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26277

You deserved it

2546

Favorite

By imscrewed - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83221

You deserved it

4104

Favorite

By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9512

You deserved it

93267

Favorite

By Marcella - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55391

You deserved it

4413

Favorite

By warningxxLidell - United States

Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27601

You deserved it

6045

Favorite

By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37643

You deserved it

5180

Favorite

By Mishti

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4121

You deserved it

1566

Favorite

By fml

Today, I noticed the results of my hair growth vitamins. It's been a month since my bad haircut, and I've seen some definite growth... Everywhere except my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2719

You deserved it

307

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29765

You deserved it

4908

Favorite

By konens_dick - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

275808

You deserved it

36915

Favorite

By manksy - United Kingdom

Today, when I was unpacking all of my stuff, my parents declared that they are going to live in Australia, and have found me a 'friend'. I am a 14 year old girl at boarding school, and my friend is my new foster mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50880

You deserved it

2847

Favorite

By AtLeastThereWasAParamedic

Today, I was walking on the sidewalk near my house when a car pulled out of a parking spot in front of a speeding ambulance. The ambulance swerved up onto the grass. Yes, I broke my arm after being hit by an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7807

You deserved it

414

Favorite

By msj137 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46066

You deserved it

2829

Favorite

By LH0026 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26557

You deserved it

3095

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29219

You deserved it

6958

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I let a friend cut my hair. I soon went from having a 'fro to looking like I lost a fight with a lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35648

You deserved it

17323

Favorite

By capcha - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15033

You deserved it

78434

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30988

You deserved it

2851

Favorite

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Top comments

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7538483 - Thursday 7 September 2017 14:12

That font gave me cancer.

By bkwusa | 15

#7538499 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:01

Lesson learned, next time put your parrot in a different room or in a cage when waxing your eyebrows!! Hope the hair grows back soon.

COMMENTS

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7538483 - Thursday 7 September 2017 14:12

That font gave me cancer.

By bkwusa | 15

#7538499 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:01

Lesson learned, next time put your parrot in a different room or in a cage when waxing your eyebrows!! Hope the hair grows back soon.

By Sinshine | 27

#7538509 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:37

Don't ever do something like this with animals (or little children) around.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7538512 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:48

Now you can become a scary looking pirate! Either for Halloween or on the high seas, your choice.

By dexter420 | 21

#7538514 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:50

Corny

By mt21mt | 15

#7538517 - Thursday 7 September 2017 15:54

Please take better care of your bird(s). Please put it/them in a safe place when you are doing something that is potentially dangerous or deadly for it/them. Please.

By Jonathan Spaulding | 5

#7538617 - Thursday 7 September 2017 21:46

I can barely read this

By Lillysar91 | 20

#7538683 - Friday 8 September 2017 2:52

Why are you trying to wax with your parrot wandering around? Wax strips are sticky and messy and gets caught up in everything. Sorry for the bald patches though.

By sgibson982136 | 10

#7538712 - Friday 8 September 2017 6:13

they bring you not and take it away lol. I feel ya though. I used to help run a parrot rescue.

By SamySosa | 10

#7541326 - Friday 15 September 2017 7:00

I'm sorry but this is hilarious ??
i have bunnies, you learn quick about what to do with animals around.