I'm making it a point, maybe even a goal to reply with "well shite!" every time I see your comments.

I read quite penguin... I was pretty confused

Screwed you are

Yeah, so bizarrely cute that OP now has to pay for a new couch.

And the price for a new couch isn't cute at all. These things are expensive.

Don't buy couches, just go on Craigslist. People would rather give them away than pay to have them moved to their new home. And this is straight up adorable. Do I like that my cats smack me in the face to wake me up? No, but it's still cute. OP likes her couch in one piece, but certainly she's amused by her bird's whacky antics.

Craigslist couches? What a great idea; who knows what kind of bonus mites and pathogens are included as a free gift!

Live a little and clean it, ya wuss. ❤

How to disciple a bird? "Do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior, the Great Bald Eagle?"

First, the bird must exhibit faith and loyalty to the Couch. It must pray to the couch and work miracles in its name. It must gather followers to the Holy Mother Couch so that the truth may be spread throughout the land. Then, it is a disciple.

Birds are extremely trainable. There is no reason to keep them in a cage at all times. I am sure op has one though. Birds like to shred it keeps their beaks from over growing. Unfortunately at times they do the unexpected, like when my power went out when I wasn't home. Mine took it upon himself to pick at the trimming on my wall. It's about a inch wide. I put tape down for a few days and said no, and now he knows what he did is wrong.

I don't understand the downvotes; this is funny. I guess there are too many overly-sensitive FMLers here

"I think I saw a pussy cat"

I destroyed his bookcase, then the wiring behind the TV, then the carpet. And the list goes on.