Miscellaneous: Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally... - FML

By Birthday Surprise - 26/05/2014 21:18 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 569

You deserved it 4 979

Broken heart

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Fortunate son

By Carrie_Chaos - 23/05/2016 20:16 - United States - Fresno

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 000

You deserved it 1 471

By terrified - 08/06/2015 03:13 - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 175

You deserved it 3 625

By Broke Bitch - 05/05/2016 21:48 - United States - Albertville

Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 903

You deserved it 12 735

By damnbananas - 24/01/2011 20:38 - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 518

You deserved it 4 324

By Anonymous - 16/05/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 219

You deserved it 3 428

By Anonymous - 06/01/2013 21:35 - Sweden - Staffanstorp

Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years old, with no wife or children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 149

You deserved it 2 373

Fixed

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 05:00

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 112

By Nightmare - 15/01/2013 14:41

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 975

You deserved it 4 723

By Ammile - 25/12/2018 04:00

Today I had a customer come into my office smelling like feces, urine and body odor. I tried not to get sick to my stomach but failed miserably. I threw up in my trash can in front of him. It now smells like feces, urine, body odor and vomit in here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 753

You deserved it 175

By Daniel - 27/06/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 588

You deserved it 3 947

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 393

You deserved it 13 913

By Jae_Hellyun - 08/01/2014 04:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 956

You deserved it 4 335

The gift that keeps on giving!

By Anonymous - 26/12/2017 19:30 - United States - New Bremen

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 515

You deserved it 494

Hurry up!

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 02:02

Today, my wife told me not to rush her during packing for our upcoming move. She's lived in the house for 30 years and apparently needs to reminisce over every single item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 262

By hellangelrose - 26/08/2014 07:48 - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 254

You deserved it 4 066

By LL - 04/02/2016 14:13 - United States - Seattle

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 009

You deserved it 2 967

By Anonymous - 20/12/2009 19:57 - Canada

Spicy

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 914

You deserved it 5 890

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 15:15 - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 414

You deserved it 40 720

By Anonymous - 03/09/2009 12:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 283

You deserved it 3 762

By I stink - 18/12/2018 15:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 277

You deserved it 209

By gui909 - 09/12/2008 07:01 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 721

You deserved it 7 275

By babysitter - 26/03/2009 03:45 - United States

Today, I babysat for two little girls, who wanted to play 'mermaids'. I smiled, and said that I would love to play with them. The older girl laughed, saying "You can't be a mermaid. Mermaids are pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 345

You deserved it 5 124

By Anonymous - 12/04/2014 01:40 - Canada

Spicy

Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 846

You deserved it 3 438

By (L) - 13/02/2018 09:00 - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 744

You deserved it 3 672

By shitballs_911 - 07/10/2009 11:13 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 299

You deserved it 12 304

By sauce - 24/09/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, after months of looking, my fiancé and I finally signed a lease. We are using my savings to pay for it. This apparently poses a "moral dilemma" for my in-laws who think we should wait to be married. I'm paying for an apartment I'm not allowed to live in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 358

You deserved it 6 269

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 13:03 - United States

Today, I was supposed to present a speech on diabetes. The girl who went first chose the same subject, knowing I'm diabetic and that it was my topic. I went last, so I had to change half of my speech on the spot. I sounded ignorant about my own illness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 982

You deserved it 6 510

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 090

You deserved it 3 829

The serpentine movement of life

By mountainmetal983 - 05/03/2020 18:00

Today, the serpentine belt broke on my truck a mile away from work, 30 minutes before I needed to be there. This caused me to be 45 minutes late. I got written up for being late. The tow truck then took my truck to the wrong mechanic shop. Now I have to pay another tow truck bill to get it to the right shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 112

By BirthdayGirl - 02/03/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 215

You deserved it 5 441

By youshitme - 25/11/2009 14:45 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 231

You deserved it 7 810

By irishbabycakes - 25/01/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 227

You deserved it 5 936

By JulieKid - 04/05/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 461

You deserved it 7 777

By Anonymous - 01/12/2013 06:07 - United States

Today, I reduced my psychologist to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 243

You deserved it 4 389

Late arrival

By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/05/2020 02:00

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 291

By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 609

You deserved it 409

By Anonymous - 30/07/2012 06:41 - United States - Centralia

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be hilarious if she pulled a prank on me, so she did the classic "bucket of water on a door" one. I ended up getting stitches and a concussion on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 300

You deserved it 1 965

Trip Advisor says no

By crazycatwaiter - 22/06/2020 23:06

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 469

You deserved it 217

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 17:47 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 848

You deserved it 11 642

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 10:06 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 472

You deserved it 8 267

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Top comments

SharnaaaBanana 22

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:37

With an actual bullet? Or something like a BB gun?

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 11:01

Bazooka. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Comments

Cass_x 22

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:36

Great parents you have D: Also, happy birthday!

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 21:28

woah, op can't just leave us hanging like that...why'd they shoot him?

Pat_Tricksta 13

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 0:09

For the surprise!

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 2:12

This needs too much follow up. Shot with what? Were they drunk? Wtf?

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Friday 30 May 2014 5:22

Are you a redneck

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:37

Well at least you did get a birthday surprise.

9echo 17

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 15:38

I can't imagine what LEAD up to all this...

9echo 17

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 16:33

Backfire isn't a firearms-related term but I'll give you an upvote for trying anyway. Lol.

SharnaaaBanana 22

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:37

With an actual bullet? Or something like a BB gun?

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 11:01

Bazooka. Nothing out of the ordinary.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 13:16

Chuck Norris once took a bazooka to the knee... Ok I'll stop.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 14:53

Yea 41, I heard about that incident. The missile hit his knee, dropped to the floor, and started screaming in pain. Meanwhile, Chuck Norris walks away like nothing happened.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 18:16

#51 Wait, then who got shot in the knee?

SgtAssCheeks 21

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 18:33

I used to be an adventurer like you...

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 1:41

Shit yes! I love Skyrim!

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:38

I guess you'll have another story to tell your children! Look on the bright side, no matter how small it is.

Pat_Tricksta 13

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 0:15

Talking about penis?

GeneralySpeaking 11

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 1:27

That's what she said.

LifeMD 14

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:39

At least you'll have a great story to tell for years.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:41

guess you could say it ended with a bang

AnOriginalName 19

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 10:30

And not the kind of bang that one would expect for a birthday.

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Friday 6 June 2014 8:39

This needs a followup asap

thelittlemissy 29

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:42

Smashing!

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Thursday 29 May 2014 4:31

You tried #7

ElricMustang 23

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:43

What I'm wondering is how this happened to begin with. What birthday surprise involves something that you can accidentally shoot someone with?

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 14:40

I'm going out on a limb here but if I really had to guess... I'd say a gun.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 14:43

I'd say shooting a salute gone terribly wrong. That or it was a slightly drastic hint that Op REALLY needs to move out. Now.

icnburbbygrl 23

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:43

Uhh...follow up?? Please?

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 11:18

day 2, still in the hospital.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 14:59

Well kids, I got this scar 15 years ago, when grandma and grandpa "accidentally" shot me in my leg for my birthday. While recovering in the hospital, there was this beautiful nurse taking care of me, and that's how I met your mother.

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 18:27

^^ this guy ^^

llamaslikesoda 21

Friday 30 May 2014 7:05

#52 I officially love you

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Tuesday 27 May 2014 9:46

Let's hope it was a paintball gun! FYL and happy birthday :)

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 82

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 87