Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a... - FML

By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

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Caught red-handed

Age ain't nothing but a number

Near the knuckle

By KaD

Today, I lost my dream job after a week, after being told, "When I hired you, I wasn't honest. I wasn't looking to hire an examiner, I wanted someone to replace me so I can retire in a year. I don't have time to train you for that." FML

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By no one - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By amya - Canada

Today, I had a phone interview for a job I've had my eye on forever. I was dumped a few hours before the interview, but was okay until I was put on hold with music playing. Me and my boyfriend's song came on and I started bawling. I could hardly talk when they took me off hold. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

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By chewybarseventy - United States

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

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By hihipanda - Singapore

Today, my friend and I went to a bar for drinks. I noticed this cute girl and went over to say "Hi." I had a great conversation with her and I asked for her number before she left. She passed it to me on a piece of paper with instructions specifying for my friend to call her and not me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a CT scan done after hitting my head, for fear of a concussion. Good news: no concussion. Bad news: the tumor they "accidentally" found. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By Mr Eek

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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By Jennyfromdablock - United States

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

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By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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By blargggggg - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a company I interviewed with three weeks ago. They didn't mention giving my $200 portfolio back. Guess I'll keep using my 4-year degree to wait tables. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

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By turnedintoinsomniac - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

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By wtf - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

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By Ashton Sprunger - United States

Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML

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By elcee1987 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By jdawn99 - United States - Arkansas City

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

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By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

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By Sonakshi - 11/9/2020 13:03 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Detained

Today, I forgot to bring a letter to my secondary school, so I went to detention. I told them it got lost, but it's only when my parents phoned and told them the same thing that they believed it. So I got detention for nothing. FML

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By schmoodles - United States

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

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By Unlucky - Australia - Cairns

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

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By not mine! - 16/6/2020 05:07

It wasn't me

Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my soon to be ex-wife told her friends that we're getting a divorce because I'm physically abusive. I guess that sounded better than the truth: that she waited 8 months into her pregnancy to tell me that the child probably isn't even mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

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By Pissed - United States - Newton Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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By DyingPlants - United States

Today, during my first date with a girl I've liked for awhile, she tells me about some minor disabilities she was born with. Wanting to be honest with her too, I tell her I'm slightly autistic. Her response was, "I'm sorry this isn't going to work. I can't date a retard." I had to eat alone after that. FML

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By bezoar10 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to lunch and there is a really cute waiter that works at the diner. I requested him to wait on us like I sometimes do. While we were waiting to be seated, I heard one waiter say to the cute one, "Ya, the creepy one is back, and this time she brought her mom!" FML

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By FailMan - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

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By trooper93 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

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By time to buy a gun - United States - Carolina

Today, I was upstairs with my wife when I heard my cat scream from the porch downstairs. I ran down to find her "puffed up" and growling on the floor, and a corner of the screen next to the door busted out. I still have no idea what caused it and my wife is now afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By ducklover1 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I got to see a waterfall up close. Too bad it was in my bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML

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Top comments

By Rich531 | 21

#6518191 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:16

"Yeah after the aliens broke in they started punching things and that's why there are dents in the ceiling"

By ThePerry | 23

#6518198 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:18

Even if they were annoying, pounding on the ceiling is a stupid idea, and might get them pissed off at you since they aren't in the greatest mood. However, explaining that to your landlord, sheesh, that really sucks. YDI & YLS

COMMENTS

By cassidyfaber | 5

#6518190 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:15

Why didn't you stop after the first hole?

Reply

Curtis66 | 19

#6518196 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:17

hitting the ceiling with both hands at once maybe?

Reply

Rich531 | 21

#6518212 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:25

I have a feeling it went along the lines of, "but wait there's more"

Reply

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6518305 - Sunday 24 January 2016 3:45

That's what she said.

By Rich531 | 21

#6518191 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:16

"Yeah after the aliens broke in they started punching things and that's why there are dents in the ceiling"

By hugoni2000 | 20

#6518192 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:16

You should have had it recorded so you have some proof that they were making noises way too late. Still sucks OP

Reply

theblondeone | 16

#6518257 - Sunday 24 January 2016 2:01

That's no excuse for pounding on the ceiling. If OP was irritated with the neighbors, he should have been an adult, knocked on their door, and politely ask them to lower the noise level. Problem solved.

Reply

ChelseaTheEnchan | 7

#6518787 - Sunday 24 January 2016 19:14

And if that didn't work, call the police with a noise complaint. OP needs to learn how to be an adult. YDI

By Curtis66 | 19

#6518193 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:16

well, you shouldn't have hit your ceiling so hard.

By sleepwalker13 | 25

#6518195 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:17

Nice user name.

Reply

Dilexar | 26

#6518529 - Sunday 24 January 2016 10:42

Didn't even notice till I read the comments XD

By ThePerry | 23

#6518198 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:18

Even if they were annoying, pounding on the ceiling is a stupid idea, and might get them pissed off at you since they aren't in the greatest mood. However, explaining that to your landlord, sheesh, that really sucks. YDI & YLS

By pop17123 | 19

#6518199 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:18

Should have used a broom or went to their apartment personally. YDI

By MyUsernameisEpic | 29

#6518202 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:19

If you had the energy to stand up and pound on your ceiling with such force, would it have been too much to go upstairs, knock on their door, and ask them politely to keep the noise down?

Reply

weatherxveins | 29

#6518248 - Sunday 24 January 2016 1:39

I think it's probably less about energy and more about wanting to avoid confrontation.

Reply

MyUsernameisEpic | 29

#6518256 - Sunday 24 January 2016 2:00

True. It was foolish of me to assume that since OP could boldly pound holes into their ceiling to shut up their neighbors, they would also have the bravery to ask said neighbors to quiet down in person.

By dracolich | 27

#6518205 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:20

If you were too scared to go there and ask them to stop you could always call the cops with a noise complaint. /shrug

Reply

igive | 28

#6518318 - Sunday 24 January 2016 4:27

No! That makes too much sense.

By trellz17 | 19

#6518217 - Sunday 24 January 2016 0:30

Next time, record the fight and how loud it is. Take it to your landlord or the police, for proof of how disrupting they are.

Reply

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6518328 - Sunday 24 January 2016 4:46

That doesn't solve the holes in the ceiling. Just because someone is loud doesn't mean you punch holes into the ceiling.

Reply

trellz17 | 19

#6518449 - Sunday 24 January 2016 7:19

Noooo shit! If he has a reason to go to the landlord or the police then he won't have to bang on anything anymore, because the neighbors would've stopped being so loud.