By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

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Messed up

Sorry…

Grow up

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the regional manager of my company came out to do some performance reviews. I was so nervous that my palms were sweaty, and when he reached out to shake my hand, I blurted out, "I'm sorry, you made me wet." FML

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51992

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By BadDad - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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49677

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By DeadlyKitten - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2021 23:01

Ring of fire

Today, I learned the hard way that I'm allergic to a particular brand of tampon. FML

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By marysparklez - 5/3/2021 22:59

Kinky

Today, my boyfriend is once again mad at me because I refused to have shower sex with him. I’m too embarrassed to explain to him that ever since I could remember, if I don’t take my showers sitting down, I vomit. FML

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By Anna Lete

Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML

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4841

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By LaLa

One nation, under rod

Today, I was fooling around with my partner after his shower. He moved my hands up to push me against the wall. Instead of hitting the wall, my hands hit the shower rod. It fell on my face and I got a bloody nose. FML

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1372

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By sandi519 - United States

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

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28516

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

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28665

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By ScaryBears - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

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By nofriends - Japan

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

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55252

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By Anonymous - Australia - Liverpool

Today, early in the morning, I got a knock on the door from the police. It seems my son and his friend had been caught throwing toilet paper at a neighbour's house. He's 23. FML

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By caramelkarma - United States

Today, I woke up on my mom's couch with a wicked hangover. I made a mad dash for the toilet but felt the wave coming after two steps. I grabbed a bag of trash next to the front door and showed it no mercy. After I'd recovered and cleaned up, Mom asked if I'd seen the bag with her tax materials. FML

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By edwinduarte1 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

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By Confused - Spain - Madrid

Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML

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33585

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By gentileman - United States

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

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By This sucks

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

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2556

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By why - United States - Lexington

Today, we were having a family dinner with my boyfriend's parents and mine. In the kitchen, when we were getting the food ready, he proposed. I screamed. My dad thought he was hurting me, came in and tased him in the leg. FML

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By Sassers - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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11802

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2020 17:00 - Germany - Bayreuth

Amazon Prime

Today, I ordered an iPad to replace a broken tablet in a haste. I managed to order one of the only ones that doesn't support an Apple pencil. This is exactly the only feature I SERIOUSLY need. Can one be more stupid? FML

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278

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By Martine624 - Netherlands

Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML

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By tryandtryagain - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting on tables at work, I was carrying a glass of red wine when I lost balance and spilt it everywhere. After cleaning the floor and myself up and after refilling a new glass, I did exactly the same thing again. FML

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By nt121511

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

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38023

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By pincushion - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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20035

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By massachusettsan - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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By likearacehorse - United States - Franklin Lakes

Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML

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30541

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By Anonymous

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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By Justkillme

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

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3583

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By 0ros - United States

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

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29608

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By PghSportsNation - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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27442

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By sandra - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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26635

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By ugly - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

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By Aggie_De - United Kingdom

Today, I got the DVD back from a dance concert I did. After watching it, I realised that I had a camel toe through the whole thing. Three and a half hours. FML

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By NothowIimaginedmyday - United States

Today, my boyfriend was shaving his beard in the bathroom when I left. An hour later, I found him exasperated after having shaved half his body. I had to help him shave every nook and cranny left because he said he was in too deep and couldn't turn back. Yes, his bumhole too. FML

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25870

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By Saw - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

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25564

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By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

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1232

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By Unluckyducky - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that I had won a trip to Cancun, Mexico. It looked like a scam so I threw it away. I later found out that it was a birthday present from my cousin and the envelope also contained a check for 5 thousand dollars to help cover some expenses. FML

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7921284 - Saturday 11 July 2020 18:19

Well then start eating that ice cream while couch surfing! ;-)

By bloopaloop | 27

#7921315 - Saturday 11 July 2020 20:38

Don’t eat so much ice cream and you won’t sound like that

COMMENTS

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7921284 - Saturday 11 July 2020 18:19

Well then start eating that ice cream while couch surfing! ;-)

By bloopaloop | 27

#7921315 - Saturday 11 July 2020 20:38

Don’t eat so much ice cream and you won’t sound like that

By Brightside86 | 23

#7921389 - Sunday 12 July 2020 0:57

Maybe put down some carpets.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7921391 - Sunday 12 July 2020 1:07

Seriously, carpet in bedrooms is a great idea.

By AstroTurf Matador | 8

#7921479 - Sunday 12 July 2020 12:14

So, how did you get the ice cream from your freezer to your bed without walking on the floor? Or do you keep a freezer at your bedside?

By Jaymail | 17

#7921517 - Sunday 12 July 2020 15:47

F*ck him. If someone doesn’t want to hear other people then DON’T move into an apartment/condo. Duh! What’s wrong with people? Now that he’s complained you need to either get a mini trampoline or a pogo stick!

By diraven | 13

#7921883 - Monday 13 July 2020 23:54

So are you a giant elephant? You didn't specify